So confused

by greenie 41 Replies latest jw friends

  • greenie

    So I've been reading this board for a while but never posted. So, go easy on me! I have a lot of thoughts, but they're not going to be totally clear.

    My story: I was dating a guy, not long, but totally fell in love with him. Loved every minute with him. Only wanted to be with him! We could talk for hours, go out alone or with friends and just have the greatest time. I actually met him through some mutual friends (non-JWs). As I'm sure you can guess, a little while into the relationship, I found out he was a JW. I didn't know what that meant, I just thought it was a really conservative Christian group. I am also Christian, but was always taught to be respective and accepting of others, by both my religion and my family. Several months after that we found out I was pregnant. We were SOOOOO excited! So happy! Then, a month later, I went to a JW event. Just trying to be nice and accepting. O.M.G. Was not prepared for that. I still can't believe the stuff they preached about is the stuff he actually believes.

    I still love him, but I'm now so conflicted and confused, and I'll admit it...scared! We have our baby now, and we are engaged to be married. I'm not sure how it's going to work though. I most often consult this site to see how mixed relationships work for you guys, and also to see what to do with kids in mixed relationships. I haven't seen as much on that. Do you guys have any advice or posts I should consult? Were any I don't want my baby to be a JW.

    I sometimes get the feeling that all JWs and congregations were not created equal, meaning that some congregations and members seem stricter or more conservative. Have you all found that? He comes from a family that are active to different degrees: mom and dad sort of are, maybe go the the KH every now and then, but big meetings usually. Reminds me of a lot of mainstream Christians at Christmas and Easter. =) One sibling is active and goes door to door. One had a Christmas tree last year. Another I'm sure hasn't rejected the faith, but doesn't go often. We have plenty of "worldly friends" (heck! I'm completely worldly!!!), the mutual friends that introduced us didn't even know he was a JW, we've gone to bday parties, halloween parties, etc. I know he wants to go back, but I just don't know what it's going to look like when/if he does. I do want to be with him, but I only know our current life, and I know I wouldn't want a JW life. I also don't want to confuse my child. Any ideas on any of this? Were any of you raised by mixed marriages?

  • bluecanary

    Can't speak on the mixed marriage front, but here's the deal with your man: If he goes back to the witnesses he will be disfellowshipped for comitting fornication with you. He will have to show signs of repentence by going to all the meetings. It can take 6 months to a year to be reinstated. None of the witnesses will be allowed to speak to him in that time. He will not be allowed to associate with non-JWs in that time.

    Plenty of people leave the JWs like your boy did because they "feel" trapped by the lifestyle, but they haven't examined the teachings to see whether they're true or not. They take it for granted that the witnesses do teach the truth. They assume that they are just bad or weak for not living up to it. The best thing you can do for this man is help him see that the witnesses do NOT teach the truth. This may be trickier than it sounds. There must be some comfort in believing that, even though one isn't living the proper lifestyle, one can always go back to it later and be in God's good graces. He needs to learn that he can ditch that train wreck without being punished by God.

    I recommend bringing the subject up in a questioning, rather than dogmatic, way. This thread has all my material on reasoning with witnesses. There are plenty of other resources showing the falsehoods inherent in witness teachings. is a good one.

    Good luck to you, congratulations on the baby, and welcome to JWN.

  • leavingwt

    Welcome to the forum!

  • jamiebowers

    I don't know how it is in other states, but in Ohio where I live, the mother has full custody of a child born out of wedlock. If it's the same in your state, do not marry him unless you have it in writing that your children will NOT be raised jw. This is a dangerous cult that endangers its members' lives with the blood transfusion ban. It also doesn't warn parents of child molesters in their midst and covers up such abuse. The threat of Armageddon is constant and causes trauma to children.

    Once your child is protected, you may want to think long and hard about being married to a jw. If he can't get out of the cult mindset he will expect to be the final authority over you. You will have little to no support from the congregation if he ever becomes abusive.

    Even if he doesn't go back to the jws, he will always feel guilty. You need to be sure he's completely out of cult mind control or cut him loose. I know that sounds cruel, but if you read some of the posts by ubm's, you will see how much pain this cult causes to couples.

  • is there help out there
    is there help out there

    Welcome Greenie from the Cookie Monster. Let me ask you does your man read this board. If he was a truly brain washed JW he would have nothing to do with a worldly girl. There is a lot of hope for you and your child.

  • vilot

    This relationship can go two ways. 1) He is disfellowshipped and starts a new life with you and never goes back and 2) He is disfellowshipped and he repents and works towards being reenstated as a JW in good standing in which you and your child will be living in Hell on earth.

  • greenie

    He's not baptized. Doesn't that mean he can't be DF'd yet and doesn't have to go through getting reinstated?

  • vilot

    You are correct he can not be DF'd but does he want to be a JW or is he ready to start his new life with you...

  • greenie

    CookieMonster: No, I don't think he reads this board. He has told me what they say about apostates before. I swear when he shares those nuggets it sounds like he's reciting. He has gone to church with me before to be fair since I've gone to JW things with him. Of course then he just had a bunch of questions about what was done and said that I couldn't answer.

    Jamie: Thanks for your comments. In my opinion, I don't really care if he thinks he'd be head of the household and I'm sure he knows who he's marrying, so would be shocked if he really thought I'd go along with that. Also, I don't care if the congregation isn't supportive because they wouldn't/aren't my network anyway.

    BlueCanary: So far our conversations on this haven't been good. They turn into arguments because he is so focused on what he has been taught.

  • greenie

    Vilot: I'm pretty sure he wants both.

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