My cousin - who was also my best friend for 35 years have been involved in an email exchange in recent weeks. Previous to that he was mostly shunning me.
Without getting into details, he had given me room to explain things, especially as to how I have 'changed' as a result of leaving. He has been reading my emails, with limited comment, and I believe with an honest desire to understand. I had reached the point in my discourse with him where I was about to discuss how Crisis of Conscience had affected me.
I began that way, then began to see that this was endless. I love him dearly, but decided to send a different sort of reply to him. I just don't want to turn over all the stones again. The emotional pain that I endured as I left the organization kept rearing it's head. So this is what I wrote:
Dear XXXX Having formulated a half dozen rather lengthy emails in reply to the matter of my thinking and how leaving the organization has affected me, I think it apropos to refrain from further depth on the matter, other that what I shall attempt to convey in this one. I seek to make it a finale to the issue if I can. I must be honest - the emotional pain that has gripped me as a result of bringing back the memories of my discoveries, has been enough for me for a while. Over the course of the past 4 or 5 years, in an effort to heal from what I believe were severe scars from spiritual abuse, I have found solace and strength in words. I have blogged, journaled, and written half-books till I cannot do it any longer. My journey has simply been to long and broad to condense into a few pages. I stated respectfully to the elders in Hometown my reasons for leaving the organization in my letter of disassociation around two years ago now. I have posted the letter on a friends' website, here: http://jwfacts.com/experiences/akjeff.htm I have additional notes - partial letters - and references that fill up half a hard drive in my computer. None of it is confidential - in the sense that I seek to hide nothing. But I also wonder just how much is needed here. I have read many books by former Jw's. But unless one is willing to take the risk of considering that perhaps the organization is not what it claims to be, well then no amount of reasoning will dispel that notion, will it? The key that unlocked my cell and allowed me to glimpse reality for the first time was Crisis of Conscience. I hope someday that you will be able to read it with open mind. But to summarize it is to dilute it's very powerful message, it's soul. I attach a PDF that also had massive impact on me, written by the former Printing Floor Overseer at Bethel in the 70's, Tom Cabeen. Perhaps you will read it - perhaps not - your call. Tom is a fine Christian. So let me instead seek to explain who the new AK Jeff really is today; I am not judgemental. I don't care if you are gay, black, yellow, a democrat, or from mars. I could care less if your body is covered in ink. Your clothes are not an issue with me. I am what I think. Knowledge, real knowledge, is powerful. Information, science, and observation cannot be replaced with someone else's morality. I don't need anyone to tell me what to think any longer. I am moral. What does that mean? It means loyal. To relationships. Forever. I will not betray my wife, or my grandchildren. I will not allow them to be mislead in any way that I am allowed to prevent. I think morality has very little to do with sex - or booze - or what I read. It has to do with me - what I am - who I am - what I stand for. What I stand for is - freedom, love that is unconditional, respect for people. I do not lie, steal or cheat. I do nothing illegal or unethical. I cannot ignore reality as I discover it, no matter how painful that reality proves to be. I am me. I am not a clone created by reading a religious opinion about the Bible or man's position before God. I don't believe that one religion is better than any other at understanding God. That goes for Moslems as well as Christians. I don't believe that a single Holy Writ, be it the writings of Buddha, the Bible, or the words of Mohammed is particularly more or less applicable to me and my life in 2008. I am free. That freedom is to be cherished. People who tread on man's freedoms in the name of government or religion tread where no man is supposed to tread. We are created equal in freedom. Some chose to exercise and fight for it - others chose to surrender it. I am loyal. I will defend my friends. I will love my family. I will never, ever, under any circumstance, be disloyal to a true friend because it is politically or religiously correct to do so. If ever a friend of mine - be he/she a Jw or a Mormon, or a gay, wish to share my public life or my private life, he is welcome. He is welcome to ring my bell at 3 AM, or wave me down to speak with me as I pass, or to call me any hour, anywhere. I simply don't care about externals. I am angry. I am angry and not afraid to tell others about it. I am angry that our nation is destroying itself from within, creating a welfare state, enabling the lazy, and allowing the corrupt to rule. I am angry that I spent decades of my life ignoring these serious issues. I am angry that I had to watch two of my best friends in the 'truth' die from a distance, and that I was not even welcome to grieve with the family. I am angry that I have to explain to you what I am - to see if I am 'worthy' of your association. [Just being honest.] I am spiritual. But it has nothing to do with religion. I seek peace with the Universe, and God in whatever form he may fill. I have let him out of the box that I created for him. I believe He is here. I believe He is there. I don't know what that means to you. I don't seek to define God any longer. I let him define me. That is enough for now. But mostly, I am just man. Dust. Finite. I have come to accept my mortality. I am not going to live forever. I am going to die. There is no paradise. I know that now. I don't waste a single moment believing there is one. That doesn't mean that I have cast aside all that is good. I am just the opposite. I seek peace. I seek love. I seek a nation, indeed a world, without bloodshed and violence. But I don't 'wait on Jehovah' for that to happen. For I have found that waiting is still waiting, it is wasting my time on the planet in futile hope that I have been born at the time that God will act. Instead, I embrace life. I smile and love and taste and smell and feel and hold and embrace as if this might be the last day of my life. It might be. I don't own a suit anymore. Nor a tie. I wear jeans or shorts and golf shirts. I sport a little scruff on my chin. I celebrate my grandkids birthdays with them. I curse the democrats sometimes, the republicans sometimes. I play golf with my friends. I don't attend church, except that broad and spacious one that I call Universe. I fly the flag, proud to be part of a country that embraces freedom for all people. I don't worship it though. I don't know anyone who does that. I cry at sad movies. I cry at the pain in the world. I cannot comfort all those in pain, but I wish I could. I deeply hug those I love. I do it often. I will until I die. I watch certain sports with great passion. I pump my fist when Tiger Woods sinks a long putt. I yell in support when Payton Manning connects with a receiver over the center and scores a touchdown. I yell in support of Venus to beat her opponent in Grand Slam events. Sometimes I cry over the death of my best friends - those truly dead, Jim O and Don C - and those who are not dead yet, Dale H and Jim T and Carla [whatever the hell her last name is now]. I cry that my mother in law is off limits to me - that she is in declining health, but due to the religion that I have left, I cannot be part of her remaining time on earth. And that I have lost you, or at least most likely have lost you. I wish that I could just 'write them all off', forget that I ever knew them. But I can't. Mostly it has faded now though. Once your good friends have kicked you squarely in the balls a few times, it gets easier. I don't own a gun. I don't get drunk, but I drink sometimes, and I don't consider that if I did get drunk on occasion that God would hate me for that. It is after-all His booze. I don't fornicate or adulterate, but I don't view those who do as worthless and dirty either. If I ever lost my mate, I might fornicate. I am not sure. But I would never adulterate. That violates what I am. And what I have. Just a few random thoughts about who I am nowadays. I don't drink blood and worship Satan by the light of the moon. At least not often. [That's a joke.] I don't sit around and think up new and more exciting ways to violate moral law and diss God. I am apostate. I did leave. I will never go back. But I did not leave because of me - I left because of the religion that had lied to me and mislead me. That's the truth. There you have it - the good, the bad, and the ugly. I generally about this time insert some comment about the need to investigate the matter for yourself. I refrain. That really goes without saying doesn't it? I hope we meet soon - face to face. Your call. I hope that what I state here makes sense. I have given you tons to think about. I hope you do. Once I started [thinking] my life changed forever. To that I must say a resounding 'Amen', pain notwithstanding. Peace to you Jeff