just a typical marital counseling session?????

by oompa 47 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  wings

  Otherwise, let her be the unreasonable person and throw her own WT teachings out there to show how she is supposed to respect you and let you take the lead in the family.

  
  
  From a woman's perspective, I hate this. For one, it is manipulation of something oompa doesn't believe in anymore. For another, pulling the "head of the house" thing....well maybe I wish I could have done that, but I couldn't, therefore I don't like it. Mrs. Oompa has her own path to take. This is hard on both sides, and she should be able to make her own decisions and process this in her way.
  
  Even though her stand on not wanting to associate with anyone non-JW may seem unreasonable, it is probably her way of coping with oompa's new direction. She is protecting herself. Also, she may be making a statement to herself and to her husband about what she really wants in her life.
  
  wings (don't mean to be so straightforward, sometimes it just happens)
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  the time with each other is the best....but is that all there is?....i need more than that

  If you cannot stay married to a JW for whatever reasons, then that is that.
  I won't try to argue against it. I respect your honest feelings and understand.
  Most marriages have some obstacles to overcome. If you are not willing to
  live with a compromise, then don't.

  I try to look at it like this- My wife is captive to a mind-control cult. I used to
  be one, so I understand why she doesn't just leave. But I wouldn't leave her if
  she were to become mentally ill to the point of even being considered crazy.
  That would be tougher in many instances than being married to a JW. I would
  recognize that it is not really her fault. Having been duped myself, I am sure I
  can look at it like that.
• 

  CunningMan

  Oompa,

  I can't imagine what it's like to be in your situation, although I'm currently active and want to fade. When it comes to persuading someone to reconsider their beliefs, they're going to have to do it by themselves. Trying to argue or plead with her is not helping. It seems like there is little you can do in terms of getting her to change, but there is something you could do to help yourself endure your situation.

  Although trying to get the right balance of medication has been a mess, you should ask your therapist how you can cope with your own anxieties. You mentioned many times before that you've been feeling guilty about living a double life and maybe you're feeling bad because you're wife is feeling bad. Since you have this burden, ask her what strategy you can use to cope with all those miserable thoughts and emotions. If medication is a bust (I'm not saying it is- I'm not an expert), then you should try to find some healthy way of coping with these feelings.

  She might not come around to understand you, but that doesn't mean you have to let it get the best of you.

  By the way, I don't think you should feel guilty for living a double life. I've been living a double life for about seven years, but it's the only way I know how to stay sane. Sometimes you have to make compromises when you're in a tough situation. Give yourself a break, because few people will.

  Hope things get better.
• 

  BabaYaga

  Hiya, Hon.
  
  I just wanted to pop on here and say... no matter what the outcome, we love you and we are here for you.
  
  Love,
  Baba.
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  Otherwise, let her be the unreasonable person and throw her own WT teachings out there to show how she is supposed to respect you and let you take the lead in the family.

  
  
  From a woman's perspective, I hate this. For one, it is manipulation of something oompa doesn't believe in anymore. For another, pulling the "head of the house" thing....well maybe I wish I could have done that, but I couldn't, therefore I don't like it. Mrs. Oompa has her own path to take. This is hard on both sides, and she should be able to make her own decisions and process this in her way.

  I don't use "head of the household" but if the wife is unreasonable, I suggest using it
  in front of the counselor to show how she doesn't even abide by her own rules.

  When you show their picking and choosing from WTS rules, it shows the religion's
  unreasonableness and the member's lack of consistency and lack of reasonableness.

  The woman doesn't like the headship rule because she doesn't have it. That's another
  reason to use it- it helps her to remember she doesn't like WTS rules.
• 

  Amha·’aret

  Hi Oompa,

  You've got to remember that in the WT articles, the Family Happiness/Life book and other WTS publications, the emphasis is both partners working on the issues. This can lead to a finger-pointing situation between marraige mates "Well, I've done X and I'm not doing anymore til s/he does Y!" The outcome of this childish interaction is more resentment and bitterness and less actual improvments.

  I don't know you but reading the posts of others who do, it sounds like you've got plenty of your own issues to work on. Irregardless of what the outcome of your current situation is, you will benefit hugely by getting to it and sorting those things out. Do this work and you might be surprised by a positive reaction in your wife. She might see the efforts you are making and follow suit. Sometimes too much talk can be damaging by brining up bad feeling/memories but there is always room for positive actions that make you a better, healthier person.

  I know this isn't easy for you. All the best.
• 

  jgnat

  Here's an idea. Talk about behaviors (motivated by religion) without mentioning the religion. For instance, your virtually separate social lives. Talk about the impact on your marriage. Start with those things that bother you most.

  Get her to admit to the behaviors. Talk about the impact on your marriage. Go from there.
• 

  jaguarbass