Harsh parents end up desensitizing their kids against decent and obedient behavior. I believe that harshness stunts their maturity.
I believe that if parents want their kids to act decent, they should act decent to THEM FIRST.
How Can people talk to Children like that....
by Hope4Others 63 Replies latest jw friends
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FlyingHighNow
I never minded the "I'll tan your hide" or "when I get you home you and I are going to go round and round." or "I'll knock you silly." I knew they were figures of speech and most of the time Mom did not mean them. Dad didn't say that kind of thing to us. He just said, "Let's keep it down to a dull roar."
What I did mind was my mother calling us lazy or telling us we were bad all the time. To this day I get very upset when somene calls a child or even an adult lazy. It's the most judgemental and hurtful and unhelpful thing to say to "motivate" someone. It can do lasting damage that might never be undone.
Another thing I detest is when people call other people hypochondriacs. Once I had a hemoglobin of 4 and was severely dehydrated and I weighed 90 lbs at 14 years old. I tried to tell my family at Christmas, that I needed to be taken to the doctor. They all jumped me and called me a hypochondriac and accused me of wanting to be the center of attention. I nearly died due to ther inattention. It took me two days to get my mother serious enough to take me to the doctor. She and my grandmother did not learn. When my oldest brother died tragically in a car accident, I became very ill and dehyrated from grief. My mother and grandmother chewed me out after we got back from our excursion to scatter Cory's ashes. They said i was a hypochondriac and trying to be the center of attention. That after me keeping to myself and softly sobbing the entire day. I never said a word to them about how ill I was. My sister had called a nurse she knew who instructed her to give me half a valium.
So, idle threats that most children understand to be figures of speech do not bother me as much as character assassination. And mother and grandmother both told me that when they would say such things to me, they would hear their mothers behind them saying the same things. The saving grace is that I found a letter my grandmother wrote me when I was 19. It was after grand dad, a wonderful man, had passed away. She actually said very nice things to me in the letter. I really believe her spirit led me to that letter. It was not easy to find. I was looking for something else and it would not have been in the box I found it in. But a voice said, "Check that box, Heather." They jumped all over me and called me a hypochondriac and accused me of wanting to be the center of attention. I nearly died due to ther inattention. It took me two days to get my mother serious enough to take me to the doctor. She and my grandmother did not learn. When my oldest brother died tragically in a car accident, I became very ill and dehyrated from grief. My mother and grandmother chewed me out after we got back from our excursion to scatter Cory's ashes. They said i was a hypochondriac and trying to be the center of attention. That after me keeping to myself and softly sobbing the entire day. I never said a word to them about how ill I was. My sister had called a nurse she knew who instructed her to give me half a valium.
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FlyingHighNow
Now if my son had jumped up and proceeded to fight the boy I have no doubt that my son would have been blamed for the whole thing and kicked out of school.
That happened to Julian last school year. He was snowsledding at recess and his arch nemesis jumped on his back and hurt him. In a knee jerk, protective reacation, Julian jumped up and shoved the punk. They were both suspended for three days. She said if Julian hadn't shoved the kid, he would not have been suspended.
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MsMcDucket
I told my daughters that they couldn't date until they were 18 years old. Some people believe that I was to strict on them.
I use to tell them that I wasn't going to let them drive without me in the car until they were 30 years old. They, definitely, didn't take me seriouslly on the driving comment!
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MsMcDucket
The word that I'm looking for is like the word "salient". It means that something sticks out or is noticeable. People notice or tend to watch people that are not like them.
I may be looking in the wrong area. I should try Business Management or Human Resources.
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Shawn10538
Actually, teaching latinos in the hood is a totally different experience from teaching blacks in the hood. Frankly, as a special ed. teacher that enters a variety of classrooms within my district area, south central districts 6 and 8 of lausd, when I walk into a class with mostly latinos I sigh in relief because I know I will have a chill day in comparison to a class with all blacks. I'm sorry but this is true.
Latinos have a bit more respect for elders in their culture even when they are raised in the hood, I just can't deny that it is a fact. As far as other cultures, well, there are no other cultures in south central to speak of, no asians and no whites - very rare, and when there are, they are the best students in terms of grades and behavior. That is not an official statistic of course, but us teachers when we are alone all understand this to be true, and we talk about "why" this is true all the time. In fact, that is the conversation, why is this true? Not, is this true.
When latino child tells me off, very rarely I might add, I usually notice that they hang around the black kids. They are not picking up those attitudes from their parents. I've seen latino kids who were fine in 6th grade get into middle school exposed to lots of black friends suddenly start telling teachers off and "talking black" with extra attitude. Even latino gang members have this code of respect that is very noticeable. They may shoot you out on the street if you are in their neighborhood, but they will speak to you in very respectful tones, especially if you bring up their mother or Jesus. They suddenly turn into angels. Sure they are cut throat gangsters but they have their code and they stick to it.
Plus, many black kids can't sit still. They just can't. Sometimes they just stand up in the middle of class and do a dance in front of their desks. I think this is a beautiful cultural expression of course, but it soon turns into a mad house if you let them do it. I have to send some out to run around the yard sometimes and tell them not to come back until they are good and tired. Sometimes i have them all stand up and get their wiggles out. They love it when I do that. I should mention too that later in the year when I've developed a repoire with them, things usually calm down. I have to work at it all year long, but eventually the volume and attitude can taper off a bit near the end as they get used to responding to my voice.
I should mention though that I wouldn't trade my kids for anything in the world. I get attached to them, every single one of them, black, latino or otherwise, I love them. I have never regretted teaching any child, no matter what struggles we went through getting to know one another. -
MsMcDucket
I should mention though that I wouldn't trade my kids for anything in the world. I get attached to them, every single one of them, black, latino or otherwise, I love them. I have never regretted teaching any child, no matter what struggles we went through getting to know one another.
Your story reminds me of the movie "To Sir With Love". There was a bunch of poor kids with no respect for anyone; the only difference is that they were White. I'm sure that if you talk to a Special Ed teacher in Kansas they'll report to you about the difficult kids here. They'll tell you about the kids that are on Ritalin, or who have Conduct disorders, or Oppositional Defiance Disorder. It's not just one fragment of society that has unruly children.
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FlyingHighNow
I should mention though that I wouldn't trade my kids for anything in the world. I get attached to them, every single one of them, black, latino or otherwise, I love them. I have never regretted teaching any child, no matter what struggles we went through getting to know one another.
Your story reminds me of the movie "To Sir With Love". There was a bunch of poor kids with no respect for anyone; the only difference is that they were White. I'm sure that if you talk to a Special Ed teacher in Kansas they'll report to you about the difficult kids here. They'll tell you about the kids that are on Ritalin, or who have Conduct disorders, or Oppositional Defiance Disorder. It's not just one fragment of society that has unruly children.I agree. And To Sir With Love is my top, favorite movie of all time. It deals with racism as well as unruly children. The kid who is Julian's arch nemesis is a white kid. Most of the kids in Julian's class are white kids. They can be pretty hard to deal with, even though some of them are pampered and all of them are suburbanites. I wonder how white inner city kids behave. I bet they can be just as unruly. And I remember that Dylan Kleibold and Eric Harris, hope I got the names right, were white children who were responsible for the worst high school masacre in US history.
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StAnn
I have two special ed kids. Among many other things, one of them is ADHD/OCD. He obsesses about opening and closing doors. His teacher put up stop signs on all of the doors in the classroom except one and, if DS stayed on target and did his work for 15 minutes, he was permitted to open and close that one door all he wanted for two minutes. Then back to work. If he wouldn't stay on targer for 15 minutes, I told the teacher to have him sit at his desk with his head down for two minutes.
The director of special ed said that the stop signs had to come down because everywhere my son looked, all he saw was "no, no, no." Also, she said that any discipline of a mentally retarded child is child abuse and that he could NOT be made to put his head down on his desk, even for two minutes. Time out is child abuse for a MR child. So, the signs came down, the time out stopped, DS went wild and the director of special ed insisted we put our son on psych meds to control his "behaviors." We said no to drugging, reminded her that the stop signs and head down actually worked and that she should just reinstitute those reenforcers, so she called children's services and reported us for medical neglect. Our son's neurologist said he was "not a candidate" for any behavior meds because of the possibility of seizures, but it was a crying shame that we had to get our son's doctors to talk to CPS on our behalf because the public school system has been co-opted by the pharmaceutical industry to use our children as guinea pigs, IMHO.
We homeschool our children now so they can remain drug free. Parents in public are terrified that some idiot will see them and report them to children's services, so they let their kids get by with murder. I understand this perfectly.
Left to modern society's standards, my kids would be drugged and never learn self-control. I'll stick with my old-fashioned ways, which are so harsh, apparently, as to make a child sit in time out for misbehavior. Anyone who feels safe out in public with their kids had better think again. Intrusive eyes are always on you and ready to call CPS. I tend to keep my kids home and under the radar. It's a sad comment on society that, in order to keep my kids drug free, I have to homeschool them.
StAnn
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FlyingHighNow
St. Ann, I am very upset with Julian's school social worker, a twenty five year old with no children. I had Julian in trauma therapy for an entire school year. When he graduated from the program, he did not want to go to anymore therapy. Even after Mickey left us, Julian would not go to therapy. This little punk woman really nailed me to the wall because Julian has not been in therapy the last few months. So, somehow, I have to find a therapist for him when I cannot afford one. Who knows what kind of crap they will give me if I don't find one before school starts. Thank God that little punk will not be with Julian's school this coming year.