Feeling sick...yep. I got a copy of Crisis of Conscience from the library in Nov 1996 because I had to see for myself. And I was going to refute it mind you...figured THAT would be easy since Ray Franz was obviously some disgruntled apostate spewing forth filth....and boy, I was hit in the head with a BRICK when I opened that book. I was SCREAMING with rage! It was like this primal thing too like my soul was trying to leave my body I was sooooo enraged at the LIES and DECEIT and the CONTROL and MORE lies and MORE deceit...page after page of exposure. And Ray is the mildest soul, the most forthright person with no anamosity. He wrote many of the books we READ and STUDIED with as JWs and so the man can write...and his research is impeccable and thorough and straight from the bowels of the Society's deepest darkest passageways and closed and sound proof rooms. I read parts of it outloud through tears to my terrified JW husband who ran from me with a face as white as a sheet and sweat on his brow because he was terrified of me and I was a woman possessed. Truth does that to you. It cleanses you and I was in fact excorsizing myself of 13 years of mind control and lies.
We had the book study at our home...right there and then I told my husband that they were no longer welcome there and to tell the BSC to take them to the hall and not my house next Thursday. Well my husband being the coward that he is DIDNT tell the man and so at 7:20 the following Thursday, Im getting my kids ready for bed and there are people coming to my door!! The COWARD doesnt show up until AFTER 7:30 of course because he knew damn well what he had done...and I wanted to KILL him! He came into the bedroom and started yelling at ME "YOU NEVER LOVED OR CARED ABOUT THE FRIENDS!" And I just frickin LOST it...I curled up in the corner of the room and covered my head with my hands and screamed at him...and I know they heard me in the back room...."NEVER LOVED THEM???? WHO is it that cleans this whole damn house every week? WHO is it that mows the yard or shovels OUR driveway and the NEIGHBORS so the friends can PARK HERE? WHO is it that bathes and feeds and dresses THREE CHILDREN for every single meeting ALONE??? WHO is it that prepares coffee, drinks and refreshments EVERY WEEK? WHO is it that sets up the chairs and breaks them down EVERY WEEK??? And WHO IS IT WHO DOESNT DO A GODDAMN THING BUT SHOW UP EVERY WEEK AT 7:25 AND BECOME THE WONDERFUL SPIRITUAL BROTHER H WHO SO GRACIOUSLY OPENS HIS HOUSE FOR THE BOOK STUDY????? SO DONT YOU STAND THERE AND FUCKING TELL ME I DONT LOVE THE FRIENDS!!!" He just stood there for the longest damn time...silent. All I could hear was my hard breathing and somebody trying to read paragraphs over my screaming.
So yes....we sure do get it that you are feeling sick. He is still a JW. We are still married 11 years later. It can be done. But the JWs are this pink elephant in the living room that is always there that we always step around that we dont acknowledge or talk about and that we cant get rid of...she's always there. But if the pink bitch gets in my way, I have the courage now to SLAP her. She holds no sway over me any more.
hugs, LD
