Feeling numb

by daniella 32 Replies latest social relationships

  • daniella

    I guess I'm now an ex-girlfriend/ex-unofficial fiancee of a disfellowshipped-but-still-believing JW. I am still reeling from what I discovered last week. First of all, I discovered this messageboard a few months ago, when I first had an inkling that the religion was about to play a huge role in our relationship, and reading posts have really helped me somewhat keep my sanity.

    My boyfriend and I have been in a long-distance relationship for about ten months now. I moved out-of-state to finish my Masters degree program in the state I initially started it in (only 12 credits shy of the degree, and I could not transfer the bulk of my credits to the state I was living in with my boyfriend.) My move occurred after we had been dating for almost a year and he had proposed marriage, but no set date. Also, he would not inform his mother of our engagement, nor did he want me to tell my family the news until he could "get reinstated." I really didn't know what that meant at the time. I also could not attend church, or meeting or whatever, with him, but he encouraged me to go to another Hall. I was not interested in doing that, but it didn't seem to be a big deal to him, as long as I would read the bible with him, which I did enjoy.

    Honestly, I would not have moved back to my schooling state, except for the fact that we started experiencing MAJOR difficulties due to religion. He was disfellowshipped for cheating on his ex-wife (long before I even knew him.) Of course, that raised a red flag after I finally became aware of it, about 3 months into the relationship, but by then, I was pretty involved emotionally with him. At that time, he told me he seriously wanted to "get back in" and we probably shouldn't be seen in public "dating." I asked him for how long, and he said he didn't know, but it would help if I became a witness, to which I balked. He flip-flopped on that, though, and pretty soon we were living our normal life, out and about.

    BUT, one difference was that he kept telling me that we needed God's blessing in order for our relationship to progress to marriage. This was coming from the man who told me how he couldn't live without me. When I asked how it was best to receive God's blessing, he told me that I needed to look toward God and see what the bible says when he and I would have our disagreements, which were coming more and more frequent. I really thought most of it was stemming from stress due to the unstable nature of the industry he was currently employed in. He had to quit his relatively cushy job and take a job as a service advisor at a car dealership in order to make ends meet.

    Anyhoo, fast forward to my move. I explained the move to him that it would give me the opportunity to finish my master quickly and be in a position to make more money, which would help us both out. It would also give him time to "get back in" with his congregation without me there as a distraction. He hated it, and told me he could not be alone, but I promised to visit him once a month until the year was done and then I would plan on moving back. This worked for about two months. On my second or third visit, he woke me up my last night there at 3 in the morning to tell me he had a bad dream. He asked me why I would not become a witness, and why I was so stubborn about not following his advice on other issues, also, like why did I continue drinking Diet Coke when he had shown me research that Nutrasweet causes illnesses. I just thought he was nuts and told him so. This went on for four hours until it was time to take me to the airport, which he did, without saying a word to me or even getting out of the car to help me with my bag and give me a proper goodbye. I almost had a nervous breakdown at the airport because I couldn't believe he could be so casual about the whole thing, when I felt he caused the whole upset in the first place. When I got back into town and called him, he told me I was overreacting to a "simple disagreement" and I always get "so emotional" which concerns him.????

    A month after that, he was hounding me to book my ticket to see him. Frankly, I wasn't in a rush after the last visit, plus money is tight being back in school and all, and he couldn't afford to help me either. He told me that he wasn't a priority and basically I was a "selfish bitch." For a few nights, I couldn't reach him at all on his cell phone. Through a mutual friend, who happens to be a guy, I found out that he had posted an ad on Craigs List looking for company. When I confronted him about it, he said I drove him to do it because I wasn't coming to see him and I knew how much he hated being alone. He literally told me I brought it on myself. He also told me that he told these women about how I left him, and they all told him that I was selfish and must not truly love him. Right, because we all know that the women looking for dates on Craigs List are all licensed therapists as well.

    A week or so later, he was sooooo sorry and felt that the experience was actually beneficial because it showed him how much he truly loved me and he forgave me for not coming to see him. Stupid me, I know, but I booked a ticket to fly out and see him. But we had a fight so I cancelled the ticket. This went on a couple more times. I finally flew out last month after a spell of about 3 weeks of getting along. He showed me the address book in his cell phone to "prove" to me that I am the only woman in his life. He also wanted to see my cell phone. I didn't know at the time that I should have asked to see the history on his computer.

    Fast forward to last week, if you're still with me. It turns out he has been looking for a Filipino woman on a website catering to that. The same friend told me. He has actually been "talking" via webcam and internet phone to a woman who lives in the Philippines. He told this mutual friend that this woman is so sweet, and so different from me, because she is "willing to do what God says." It's funny that God always seems to be on his side. He also said that she has fine Christian submissive traits and tells him in broken English that she wants to marry him and cook and take care of him. This friend, who I trust completely and who has been telling me that this guy has major problems that I only begin to know about, also said that after I left from my visit, he got on the computer to talk to her that night, while still telling me he couldn't wait for me to "come back home to him and be his wife, as long as we listen to god so he can bless us." He told the friend that I am pretty, but selfish, and obstinate to God. He also told him that I am too tall, too skinny, and that all I want from his is phone sex when I'm not with him (which is completely false) and actual sex when I'm there. For the record, we only had actual intercourse a couple of occasions because it caused him too much guilt. But he was always the one to instigate it when it did occur. Sorry for too much information, but it just is humiliating to me that he would make me sound like some kind of crazed nympho.

    When I confronted him with what I knew, he said I was crazy. He also said I was trying to kill him because I know he suffers from anxiety and high blood pressure and that he had to go to the emergency room and is now on beta-blockers, whatever the hell that is. After being told I was making all this up, I threw the friend under the bus and told him that I had heard it from him. As of today, I haven't gotten a reply back from him after that.

    I don't know why I'm posting the most humiliating experience of my life here. I guess it's just a vent, and if you made it this far, thanks for reading. It's just confusing, because I actually find that I am doubting myself and wondering if it was all my fault and if I am just a bitch and if I should just not have moved to finish school. Quite frankly, I am a mess right now. I'm not used to feeling this way, but I realize that I have spent most of this relationship dazed and confused and wondering what the heck I am doing wrong to make him upset all the time. I know I'm far from perfect, and I used to have too much confidence and thought we were "soulmates" but I don't understand or know how to take what he is dishing out. I'm just hurting right now and too embarassed to talk to any family members or friends about it. The friend who I threw under the bus is a little ticked with me right now, but understands I didn't betray his confidence maliciously. I'm confused too why he would even want to be my ex's friend after seeing what he has done. This friend has even told me I am being emotionally and verbally abused by him, so why is he even talking to him I wonder? I'm rambling now, so I will sign off. Thank you for reading.

  • Junction-Guy

    Thanks for sharing. You are much better off without him. It is not your fault, it is his. He was the one that was trying to hide you, if he really loved you, and not the Cult, he would tell them all to flip sand. Whatever you do, don't make the same mistake again. You now have the opportunity to get on with your life and find you someone normal, and not JW.

  • daniella

    Also, I have a counseling appointment set up for tomorrow. I actually went to counseling a couple of times while I was living close to my boyfriend (for the first time in my life) because I was feeling so confused about what was happening in the relationship. I stopped once the boyfriend and I got back on track, for a few weeks or so, and then was just too tired to go back.

    I have been trying to do a little self-help to try to understand what's going on inside my head and why I would allow myself to be in this situation, which is at best an unhappy relationship and maybe an abusive one. I'm not sure about whether it's abusive or not, because I know I am not perfect and made mistakes in the relationship as well. All I know is I have never doubted myself like I do now.

    My mom and dad, before my mom's death, were pretty unhappy, and my dad, as much as I love him, was pretty hard on her and she cried a lot, especially during her last couple of years. My dad was also hard on me growing up, and would lose his temper unexpectedly so I was always kind of on edge, as were my brothers. When he remarried about a year after my mom died, he was (and is) amazingly sweet to his new wife, and she is so good for him, too. He's just a kinder and gentler version of himself. So then I started thinking, maybe my mother just brought out the worst in him? But I feel bad for thinking that, because she was the sweetest person around. Anyway, I started thinking that maybe I could be the reason why Paul is so hard on me, and if I change my behavior, he'll change too, like my dad did for his second wife. I admit I put up with a lot of crap because I thought we could work through things, and I thought if I gave up, he would find happiness with some other woman, and I wanted to stick it out and see the change in him. It just never happened, though. He got weirder and weirder about religion and tougher and tougher on me, even about the tv shows I enjoy watching for mindless entertainment. And now, sick as it is, I am driving myself nuts thinking about how this Filippino chick is going to make him sooooo blissfully happy. And ironically, I noticed that "beautiful asian bride" ad on here. I'm driving myself nuts, and I have a paper to write.

  • aSphereisnotaCircle

    Yes, you are being verbally abused, at the very least.

    Calling you names, doesn't accept responsibility for his own actions, is not interested in you doing what is best for you, he only wants you to do what is best for him.

    He is cheating on you, please don't make any excuses for him on this, he cheated on his first wife and now he is cheating on you.

    I don't know haw many serious relationships you have had. But in my youth and ignorance I got married to a guy who sounded very much like the winner you have. I stuck it out because as JW's, divorce was not an option. Well when I left the JW's I left the hubby too.

    Now I''m in a relationship where I am treated with respect. In the ten years I have known him he has never once called me a bitch. He never blames me for anything, He makes me feel as though I am the most important person in his life.

    I was disrespected as a JW, because I did not know any better. I was raised that way. But I have discovered that worldy men treat me much better then any JW man ever has.

    I believe your asking for a lot more trouble if you stay with this man. And it doesn't sound like there is any upside.

    Surely you deserve better.

  • oompa
    daniella: It turns out he has been looking for a Filipino woman on a website catering to that.

    OMG! That is just too weird that the ad at the bottom of this page is just what you wrote! I am sooooo sorry you got emotionally attached to a man who was a total phony, and it does not matter what his supposed faith is, there is not excuse for his time spent with you....shameless. I hope you write a killer paper, soar to new heights with your masters, and can trust yourself enough to know that time will heal this.....love, oompa

  • aSphereisnotaCircle

    Honey if you stay with this guy, prepare to doubt yourself a whole lot more. It's the JW way.

  • aSphereisnotaCircle

    What Ooompa said.

    I'm sending good energy your way, and I hope you write a great paper!

  • mrsjones5

    You know its not you, its him. Follow your instincts and do what you know you should...run.


  • troubled mind
    troubled mind

    Seriously for a smart girl ..why are you acting ....so dumb ?

    Sorry if that hurts ,but come on girl why are you even second guessing yourself ?

    Just re-read your post as if someone else had wrote it ....what would you tell that girl ???

    Good for you getting your Master's .Now lose that jerk's number and go find someone that will respect you .

    I get it you have been with him a while and have an emotional attachment . Consider it like re-hab , the detox stage is a bitch ,but you do eventually start feeling better after the poison gets out of your system.

  • flipper

    DANIELLA - Welcome to the board friend. I'm sorry you are going through this. I agree with other posters who say you should not let yourself be abused. Time to move on and show yourself love and kindness

Share this