What do you do when you exit and your wife stays in?

by Quirky1 66 Replies latest social relationships

  • reniaa

    I feel for you, If you still love and respect your partner it's worth working on to save your marriage,

    I'll be honest one of reasons I faded was because of a failing marriage even though my partner wasn't a JW I knew in a small part of myself that I couldn't leave him while I was a witness.

    I think you soon realise this once you fade DA etc if it's other issues besides JW's that influence your decision especially if it is a failed relationship, But thats also why if you love each other it's important to try and save that love, theres no guarantee you will find it again outside of the JW's although many have,


  • Quirky1


    We just had another teary eyed screamin' discussion about the same subject for about the third or fourth time.

    I am unable to get into her head that I "Will" no longer be participating with the JW/WTBS in any way, shape, manner or form. I even had to restate that I "would" be associating with my side of the family again, even including their "Holiday" get togethers. It doesn't sink in.

    She and I know the consequences for my doing so and has stated that she would report me to BOE and I would be DF'd for participating in such affairs. I am fine with that, and we both know that she will not be able to have her JW parents and associates while I'm around. I have offered to leave during these times but that isn't good enough.

    I have even offered to DA myself, because it is just a matter of time before I am DF'd, but she thinks that would be worse on her.

    She thinks I have decided to shut her out of my life even though I have reassured her that it was not her but the JW/WTBS that I was leaving but she doesn't accept it that way. She thinks that I am having an affair, which I am not, and also thinks I will soon if not already. She then said she was going to leave but decided agains it.

    She just came back from the 2 day assy. and said that everyone hugged her and cried about the situation. (Playing the sympathy card like they all do).

    She also told me to get a new medical directive because she said she would let me die if I needed blood. So, I found one on the web and downloaded it. Once she seen it she sat on the couch and cried. Wow! Emotional!

    The rest of the evening was a pout session.

    Don't know what to do!!


  • cosmichippo

    In my case, I had become inactive. I never shared with her any of my doubts. She moved out and told the elders it was because I was inactive. They seemed perfectly okay with this as an excuse. After I became re-activated, she still refused to even speak to me for six months. I grew wearly of not seeing my children, so I filed divorce. Now the official story is that I'm the one that wrecked the marriage because I filed.

  • daniel-p

    Quirky1, One thing you can do is not encourage her to panic. She's suffering emotional trauma--both of you are--and you need to both calm the fuck down. This includes slowing down, talking about things calmly, maintaining communication, and NOT doing anything rash. She's thinking she's losing everything in her life. Losing her spiritual partner and her physical mate. She could not be going through anything more traumatic. The way you're going right now, you're making fading an unrealistic possibility. In order to fade successfully you need to put your own beliefs and objections on the back burner and save your marraige first. In other words, put her first.

  • sacolton

    Quirky1 -

    I'm in the same boat as you. I was a JW for 9 years and recently DA'd because I honestly know in my heart
    that the WTBTS is not God's organization. Too many false prophecies, tarnished history and unscriptural
    doctrines. I guess you can say the Holy Spirit showed me the real truth and I knew as a Christian what I had
    to do. My wife was born into this cult and it really upset her, but she remains dedicated to this so-called
    religion. Her whole side of the family are all JWs and once I told her that I will no longer associate myself
    with a "false prophet" - the shit really hit the fan. My brother-in-law came over to talk to me all night until the
    wee hours of the morning - showed him the organization's history - the false prophecies - Beth Sarim - etc ...
    didn't move him at all. I couldn't believe it.

    Two days later, a PO and my BC came over to talk - I showed them the same things and scriptures on how
    to recognize and avoid false prophets. We went back and forth on every subject ... didn't change my mind
    and didn't change theirs. I sent in my letter and two weeks later my wife told me that I was announced at
    the meeting that I was no longer a JW. That felt good inside. I wanted to make sure they said I left and not
    disfellowshipped. All they say is that "so-and-so is no longer a JW" and not that I DA'd myself.

    Back to the relationship, she just asks that I respect her faith and try not to keep her from going to the
    meetings. This has worked and no ill feelings are exchanged. I guess we all have to understand we are
    only responsible for ourselves. We can't save everyone from a cult. I honestly believe that people come to
    God on their own ... if they really want to and are searching for the TRUTH.

    Just be glad you are out. My life has been great since I've left. I am enjoying life and a much closer
    relationship with Jesus Christ - my God, Lord and Savior. Pray to Him to help you with your wife. Don't be
    hard on her ... every JW is really an innocent victim of mind-control. Things take time.

    God bless!

  • Quirky1

    I'm just tired of having this battle about every two weeks, which after our first argument about this, I stated "That if you accept my decision to do this I do not want to have this same argument every two weeks, month, etc.. She said she was clear about it.

    Just when I think all is fine and she is going to accept my decision to fade she get's in an uncontrollable emotional tangent and it makes things difficult to deal with. She claims I'm fullfilling spiritual prophecy and tries throwing the NWT at me. And have made it clear to her prior to our first discussion upon this matter that it is not a subject (spiritual matters) I am willing to discuss at this point.

    Each day is a new day. Hard to handle,


  • daniel-p

    Quirk1, It took me and my wife many heated discussions and many sleepless nights to get over the emotional reactions involved in this sort of thing. I think your wife has doubts of her own and her mind is splitting itself apart trying to rationalize your actions against what she "knows" is the truth. It's a common reaction for people when their faith is shaken in a cult. Hopefully, you'll both eventually discover your own terms for dealing with this. But it takes a lot of patience, love, and compromise. Now, when my wife comes home from the meetings, she thanks me for "sparing her". She always thanks me for "allowing" her to go to the meetings, aux. pioneer, assemblies, etc. She knows I don't believe in the organization. And yet we've reached a comfortable arrangement of divided faith. I support her as much as I can--I went to great lengths to show this to her, that despite my lack of faith, I would support hers. If she drew so much strength from her faith, then who was I to deny her of that?

  • Quirky1


    How did this affect your spouses parents, family or freinds still in the WTBS. Like I said earlier she has her parents that are still JW's that she is very close to.



  • daniel-p

    Well, all this happened after we had moved out of the area where her family lives, so we don't see them too often. However, they know I'm inactive, and haven't said anything about it. Recently, my mother-in-law paid us a visit for a few days and they (her and my wife) went out in service and to the meetings without me. Again, nothing was said. I've recieved much more trouble from my side of the family. They are extremely devout and have used all manner of manipulation and scheming to get me to come back. Fortuntely, they also don't live in this area, but it doesn't keep them from calling my elders to get inside information on me. I could see how if your wife's family is nearby and close, she could fall back on them for support. Maybe you're worried that they will advise her to leave you? All I can say abou that is to stick to the things I said above about supporting her and doing what it takes to show her you're loyal.

  • daniel-p

    Continuing on that thought.... Try to initiate a new era of free, calm, loving, and open communication with her. What you want to do is get her to lean on you for support. Right now she's going outside the marraige to seek support and comfort. Try to get her (and yourself) to get out of panic mode. Take her out on dates, go off for the weekend, do things together without others. It's not even so important that you have a plan to discuss certain things, but that you spend time together. One of the more challenging things for me and my wife was to re-invent our marraige after all this happened. It was like begining again. We're still working it out. But the single biggest thing that has helped is to keep the lines of communication open no matter what. When you stop communicating is when you give up.

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