Renaes unsure how to feel

by Renaesunsure 16 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Renaesunsure

  Hi everyone. I'm a 3rd generation witness. been through a lot of crap. My brother was born premature in 85 was given a blood transfusion without my parents consenting. My family cppped a lot for that. He ended up with permanent brain damage due to lack of oxygen. My dad was an MS at the time. Elders thought it best he stand down. So our family struggled on without help from the congo.

  We moved house in 93. Put my brother in care. Never mentioned to anyone in new congo.He died in 96. To everyones suprise. Had the memorial in our kingdom hall. Since then people have been diferent to me. I felt i never fitted in with the young one in our congo.Except for one girl who everyone said was a bad inflence. stayed friends with her till she left home in99

  I longed for a boyfriend so went congo hunting met a couple of guys 1st guy was a bit to highly strung 2nd guy was deaf. I felt pressured and sorry for him. Next thing i know im engaged to him 2 weeks later! whoops. Elders told me i was being very stupid brought me to my senses.So that finnished. I was never the same again. I made friends with 2 guys from another congo. they werent baptised My mum found out got so furious at me. Even locked me in my room and cut of the phone so i couldn't talk to them.I started not wanting to go to meetings. What was the point i had no friends in the congo.

  A few months later my mother left my dad in 2003. My dad was devestated when he found my mum in bed with her boss.I was so angry with her. I remember sending a really nasty letter to her saying she was as good as dead to me. She explained to me how she felt so controlled and thought if she didn't leave she may aswel have been dead. Her life was nothing but having to go fs and meeting. She'd lost all her meaning in life. once she told me that i understood and agreed. Behind my dad's back I got a worldly b/f. I moved in with my mum a month later.She let me see my b/f whenever. After knowing my b/f for a week she said he may aswell move in. I was suprised. when my dad found out he was furious. He must have told every witness in the congo. cos when i went to shops they'd all look the other way. Including my aunty.

  I told my dad i was getting married. He said something along the lines i won't be coming along i don't condone your behavior. The night before due to get married i went around to my dad's an begged him to come to my wedding. I had it at the registry office just immediate family. He did come with a lot of pleading.I only came back in the truth because of being left out with dad family. he wouldn't talk to me.

  My husband has been studying for a 3 years now. The elder taking the study is starting to get peeved.Saying things like you'll have to think about being in the theo ministry school if you want to get anywhere. Its driving me nuts. He says he doesn't mind.I do beleive in the truth. Just not the people, that give you guilt trips. A sister came over this arvo to encourage me to go to the assembly this weekend. I can't stand the you must do this you must do that, read this go there, now ,now ,now the end is coming, the end is coming so you can't sit on the fence. I see the hyprocsy in it.

  How does everyone who attends regularly deal with it. I can't face going to every meeting. I go maybe one sunday out of 6. Is my thinking wrong? Hope i havn't rabbled on to much. feels good to get it out. I have no friends. In truth cos of marrying out of the truth. I also have no worldly friends cos they think i'm not enough of a rebel for them I can't win.
• 

  bigmouth

  Hi Renae, you have been through some crap! I agree.
  
  It sounds like you're trying to 'find yourself' as the saying goes. You're not pleasing anybody else and you're not happy either.
  
  Start by avoiding the KH and its atmosphere at all costs.
  
  You don't need to be 'rebellious' to make good non JW friends. There are good decent people everywhere. Find them at sports and special interest clubs, volunteer groups and at work and by word of mouth.
  
  Don't narrow your options anymore!
  
  Welcome to JWD,
  Pete
• 

  sass_my_frass

  You get just this one short life mate. Are you sure you're living yours the way you want?

  Hey I'm from WA. pm me if you want to chat.
• 

  horrible life

  Renea, Welcome!!! You aren't the only one, who dislikes going to the meetings. I always hated it. I'm a 3rd generation also. As someone pointed out just today, here on JWD, it was all about instruction, not about god and love.

  Be sure to click on the Active topics button at the top of the page, and you will be able to see all topics being discussed that are current. But to explore, click on the tower in the Upper Left corner. There you will see some "Best of" topics. Some of those are worth reading. The discussions here range from fluff, to beliefs. All input us welcome. I have learned so much from the other posters. Some of the teachings of the Witnesses, even I didnt know. I guess I didn't pay enough attention when I was in.

  Now some of these teachings, seem so far-fetched, I wonder how my parents don't see it. I think, if anybody, just steps away form the Kingdom Hall, and looks at some of their teachings, and researches to find the "real truth" they will be hurt, by the way that Brooklyn, New York, has made fools out of all of us.

  They want all witnesses to stay off of the computer. Why??? It is the information highway. With just a few words typed into a search engine, you can find material and reference's to any of your questions. Keep searching and asking. Have your husband help you. You owe it to yourselves, before you dedicate your lives to a publishing company.
• 

  R.Crusoe

  Sounds like you've had that many new starts you're tired of them and yet maybe you're thinking you need some other start but you don't know where to begin. The WT literature is your only real friend but it's a paper friend without feelings or humanity - a clever puzzle of ideas that gets into your head that is then used to get you spending your life forcing yourself to do stuff that feels out of line with your heart. Always someone over your shoulder watching or telling you to do more. You now believe in a God who won't ever be pleased with you as you are. A God who always expects more from you so as you can never rest and feel chilled in your spirit - always living a slight conflict and knowing you can never escape it in this place that you're in. And leaving this puts you in a place with no rules. A freer place but lonelier without people knowing how everything is organized. A place where people can try to be themselves but where a lot of people seem to have failed. So maybe your destiny - the place you feel most comfortable with in you heart lies somewhere that your head needs to listen and adjust to - and spend it's time finding fewer, newer people who are less worried about putting the world right because it's going the way it's always gone. To find happiness I believe your heart has to be consciously selfish for its own future. Otherwise it will lose its spirit and become lifeless. That is what I believe the WT literature does to people - sucks their life and hearts away and leaves them with a brain working around all these rules and puzzles - a robot! You will live uncertainty if you go your own way but it is your hearts uncertainty and relationships have a chance to be ones which make your heart sing and not ones which make your brain fill in the blanks. Is it enough for you to be who you are and the few relationships you have? Maybe this also builds your uncertainty - the responsibility placed on you to save other lost souls with a way forward that you really don't feel is as perfect as it claims. How can you sell perfection to someone under the guise of telling yourself at least it's better than what they have? It's what is in your head - a perfect vision with imperfect living. Maybe someday you'll decide whether you're really kidding yourself or whether this is the future of all life on Earth. And you won't be able to avoid it - you live with yourself till death and you won't go away! Being true to you is essential.
• 

  penny2

  Renae, welcome to JWD! You and your family have certainly been through a lot.

  Many of us who have been brought up as Jehovah's Witnesses have difficulty in the beginning finding friends outside the congregation. You sound like an outgoing person at heart. Give it time - you'll work out what your interests are. Also, as you get older, potential friends won't be looking for the "rebel" aspect - they will just be looking for someone nice that they have things in common with.

  Come on here anytime - there are people here who understand what you are going through.
• 

  jgnat

  You know, I started to read your story about your poor brother and I thought at first "big deal". Lots of families have a kid with problems. But then I read how the tragedy was screwed up and compounded by confused parents and an unfeeling congregation, and all I can say is "wow".

  I can totally believe that you are unsure how to feel. First your parents were advised to tuck away their natural feelings. They ended up doing cruel things both to your brother, to you, and to themselves.

  Second of all, there is no excuse for how the Kingdom Halls treated your family ever after. For what? Having a brain-damaged child who had a blood transfusion?

  Where is the mercy? Where is the love?

  No-one has ever given you permission to feel how you really feel. Outside the confines of this religion people own their feelings, other people don't tell them what to feel.

  If something sad happens, you can feel sad.

  If you are angry, be angry.

  If something is unjust, know in your heart of hearts "it is unjust" and be outraged.

  If you are content with your husband just the way he is, be content!

  If you are restless, get out of the house and do something fun.

  If the meeting is boring, you are bored!

  Now as for your current situation, I read a few issues. Is it right that your hubby is studying but he is content enough with that - he does not want to progress to TMS? If so, give him permission to stop the personal study with that 'brother'. You can continue to receive the literature if that is what your hubby likes. Decide between the two of you what you are going to do with that angry 'brother'. Considering how the congregations have ALWAYS treated you, I see no point in trying to please him. What is the congregation do? Despise you more? Get better friends.

  You are completely bored with the meetings. This I can relate to, as I probably attend about five meetings a year plus a day or two of an assembly or convention. My hubby knows I am bored with it, so he's agreed I can bring along my 'toys' to keep myself occupied. My favorite is a blank notebook and pen. I then let my imagination fly. I doodle, I write short stories. Even if my body is trapped, I can let my mind go free.

  You are intensely lonely. You have only a little experience with the 'world' and your experience with the congregation has been horrible. You can use a discussion board like this for a while, but nothing fits so well as a flesh-and-blood friend. You could join a club or hobby that you've always wanted to explore and start making acquaintances. I suggest you go slow because you are new at this, and your loneliness may have you come across as quite needy. By making acquaintances, you will let them take the lead who is mightily curious about you. And wants to know you. I've also found it very helpful to pick out the other lonely peoole in the room for friends. They usually have great things to say, and are much easier to pick up than the party girl in the middle of the room.
• 

  yknot

  Welcome Renae!

  You will find lots of support here because there are many who experienced similar things. I still go to the meetings, it can be a bit trying sometimes. I still believe there is no hellfire, immortality of the soul, or trinity, but I do find myself having to choose between the FDS and Jah many times. While this is upsetting, it does help to be able to start separating the two. My husband is not a JW (slim-pickings from JW mariage pool in my area) and this helps some since there is less pressure to be a "perfect" JW. If you have read the Jan 15, 2008 WT then you already know that the pressure to get out in FS is strong, and many congos judge you on your time rather your personal dedication to following the Christ and obeying Jah.

  This site has really help me cope with all the things I knew were problematic. Just knowing I am not alone in my questions, and experiences is very comforting. As one poster put it "it is just a local problem".

  Looking forward to your future comments on the many different threads!

  Cordially,

  Yknot
• 

  momzcrazy

  Welcome Renae!

  We have some in common. My mom cheated and left my dad too in 93. Dad went crazy. He remarried and died in 96.

  My hubby sounds like yours. Except that he was a witness and just left. For 8 yrs I tried to do it alone with 2 then 3 kids. The rest if us left last month.I feel the same way you do. I got tired of being bossed around, and having my business being everyone else's business. I risk not having my mom in my life. She back to the "truth" with a vengeance. My brother and sister aren't witnesses. My mom-in-law is the only other one who is a witness in the family and she is fine.

  I suggest doing some research on the witnesses. This place is a good place to start. And if you still believe it, read the Bible without the publications. I love the Gospel of John.

  Good Luck,

  momzcrazy
• 

  nomoreguilt

  It's really sad when you have no support from the cong on issues so emotionally charged, especially at such a young impressionable age. Believe me, the wts loves to getinto your head when you are young. Sadly , they got into your head on the wrong note with your brother's case. Now that you are older and are making decisions on your life for yourself, look around you at all the other witnesses around you while you are still attending. Are they really HAPPY? Do you want your new husband to blame you later in life for having dragged him into this ? Do you really love him, is he your soul mate? You still have time to make choices that will effect you and him, before you bring children into the same sitution you were in as a child. All in all, welcome to the forum.....