There is so much pain...

by justhuman 30 Replies latest watchtower bible

AK - Jeff

I feel your pain. Trust me - it will subside in time. Likely it will never completely vanish.
Part of the problem, IMHO, is that, once one leaves this cult, he/she has no 'history'. You cannot chat with people in the community about how you voted in the 2000 election - you didn't. You cannot talk to people about how you did in high school athletics - you refrained. You cannot speak about 'family holiday traditions' - you haven't any.
Your history starts new when you leave - at least for many of us. Wifey and I are beginning to have a few new traditions - it's fun, but it's not like being able to say we 'used to decorate this way when I was a kid' kind of thing. It feels quite odd to announce that this 'is my first birthday party' for instance, at the age of 50.
Perhaps you can develop a few traditions - go to the local high school sporting events, listen to music for what it says without 'labeling' it as we did as jw's, push out the envelope a little bit, within your own framework. As for the kids - show them that you love them by doing things that keep a bond. You still have contact with them right?
I truly am sorry you are hurting so much right now. Dig into life now - some things will stick in your mind forever, till no more thoughts are there - it is impossible for most of us to 'erase' our past. But we can relish our presence. I hope you do.
Jeff
flipper

JUST HUMAN- I know much of what you feel, having been in it from birth, and getting out 4 years ago at age 44 . I am so sorry you were abused by this organization in the horrible way you described . Please know and realise we are your friends and we care. The only way I have found to try to forget those years the witnesses stole from me is to dwell on what I can accomplish now, in the here and now. It is really all we've got , and I try to help others to grasp onto a future, their own future, and open up their eyes to a brand new day. Are there hobbies you enjoy doing? I know you work many hours and are dog tired friend. But sometimes just taking a walk in the foothills or mountains or getting fresh air outside can bring a little invigoration and upbuilding to our soul . If you ever get a day off work, perhaps painting, golfing, fishing , reading, anything that will keep your mind active and on positive thoughts. If you ever want to talk, I'll pm you my number. We care friend, Peace out, Mr. Flipper
Mystery

Find something to do outside of home, outside of work. I know what it means to say 'i can't do that'; but it is the holiday season - help serve at a volunteer center. One - it will get you out. Two - most people serving are serving from their heart. Three - you are helping/giving to someone. Four - if you don't enjoy it, you never have to do it again. I volunteered to coach a sport I had never even played before. It was the best thing i did, for me, at the time. I made new friends. I felt refreshed. I felt I 'belonged'. It was scary. It was intimidating. I made several trips to say, "I want to help," but backed out more times than i want to remember. But I finally walked up and said "I would like to help..." Even tho i am no longer involved right now (I ended up being a volunteer for 12+ years)those are memories i will NEVER regret. Memories that i don't have to feel I wasted. Memories that have helped me overcome being a JW kid. Being a JW at school. Being a JW and not going to college. (But now i have a BS and 2 AAS.) Take a couple of classes. Take control of your life back. Love your kids unconditionally. Show them that there is a life w/o JW's. If you show them misery and unhappiness they will believe even more that without "jah" there is nothing. You have to show your children happiness or you will never have a chance to "get them out".
Gringa

Just human - I, too, was born into the "truth". I know how you feel..... but, I truly see my childhood as a great learning experience for me. I am a strong, independant woman who doesn't let anyone control me, tell me how to feel or what to do. It has been my blessing that I was raised to be gentle and kind and honest yet I learned, also, not to let too much thought or care go into what people think of me. It has served me well.
When things seem so horribly bad for you, the loss of your children must cause you great pain, know that all things come in their season. You will get through this and you will be stronger and happier for it. Someday, too, your children may see the light and join you.
Look to the blessings that have been placed upon you though the cult. They are not all bad. They brought to me a love of all humans, a total understanding that all men are created equal. The JWs are not bigoted and for that, I love. All their evil, all their fear, gently and gradually subsides.... you will find your eyes opening more and more and you will become stronger and wonder how you bought all the BS, hook, line and sinker but know that it was a form of mind control We were force fed it from the day we were born.....
{{{{{{{{{{{U}}}}}}}}}}}}
Gringa
Cindi_67

hardly finished high school because I was supposed to live in the generation that by no means will pass way. It was the famous generation of 1914 and it was the year 1984, and I was only 17 at that time. So i spend my best years of my life pioneering the false gospel of the WT. I got married just before the ''new light" came out
Can anyone bring back my lost years of childhood, or the years that I spend knocking doors to spread the "gospel".
justhuman:
Sorry to tell you no one can bring back those lost years. Only you can start making up for lost time. I am from your generation and went through the same thing you did, pioneered for about a year after I graduated from high school and took some lame one year course in a technical institute to say I studied something, which didn't help one bit. I can't say my life now is bad, I am married with three kids, have a decent home, but like a lot of people are struggling to make ends meet, just because neither of us had a college degree. My husband never got baptized but grew up in the "truth" and followed the same rules. Now we are beating ourselves up because we didn't finish or started college in my case, thinking there was no need, we wouldn't finish college, the end was too near. 20 years have passed and we could've at least had a 4 year degree in something, and might be in a better financial situation. But all I can say is hang in there, it is difficult to go back to college with such a busy agenda, but if you find the time someday, go back to school, finish what you started and become whatever you want to be. If that is not a choice now, because of the circumstances, then fight at least to have a good relationship with your kids, show them you loved them even if you are distant from them, when they grow up, even if they don't understand it now, they will appreciate that at least you were there for them or tried. Bad experiences with religions are one of the hardest to shake up, especially because they are supposed to be the ones to be there for you, when they are not you feel cheated. But don't be, man made rules are the ones to blame, not God, and I guess that is what we faced with all these so called "suggestion" on why we shouldn't be going to college, etc.
Keep in touch.
conanne

Time helps heal and so does music, friendships, goals and lots of learning. Make the most of your time with your kids. If you can't see them, make sure they feel your presence in whatever way possible. You be their place to run to when they get tired of JW life. Allow yourself some time to be a kid again...just watch out on the teenage years. When I left I got a little crazy with the "dating" thing. It all worked out in time. I'm happily married to an atheist who has a heart of gold and we're all living a normal happy life. It can happen, give it time.
R.Crusoe

My head was blank JH because I feel you took on the responsibility of pleasing a God painted in your imagination by WTBTS who has an insatiable appetite for human slavery. And it does not stop with the time element. It includes your own body and mind, that of your family for whom you are enforced with the responsibility of in terms of there welfare, happiness, conduct as an example to others, Bible education, witnessing to others in behavior and in their spare time, and in maintaining a positive approach to it all yourself! And your wife will be conditioned to have expectations of herself and of you which are equally insatiable. In effect the WTBTS builds a network of insatiable expectations that preoccupy everyone at their peril. It's a slave or die philosophy. So I know you have never been your own person. I know you have never felt respected as head of your family for yourself alone. I know that you have had your children persuaded you are failing them. I know that you have given your best till it sucks you dry and then still continued to give. I know that you still feel that responsibility for your children. I know the mountain of goodwill that is in you to be part of their lives is being crushed and denied you and denied them. I know that you know they are being conditioned as you were and without your thoughts. I know that you know that your love is being poured away like the life blood from your body as your soul empties. You feel with the certainty that no one seems to appreciate and care a toss about you and time keeps proving it. And that they measure your love as weakness and evil influence. And I know that your future is still denied you. Your breaking free still has you in irons that you have always known. Even if you desire a new life it is being drained from you. You are bound to a situation you are not allowed to play a part in and it denies you your own freedom and future. The desire to be your own person and explore the joy that has existed like a hidden flame deep inside you is being denied you still and you see how you have been manipulated by those whose love is in written rules who would drop you like garbage and leave you on the side of a road for some Good Samaritan to chance by. And you realize at some point that you are the Good Samaritan - injured and having to help yourself! It is only this that will take you forward. Knowing your heart is more in keeping with the heartbeat of creation than is theirs! Good luck to you! I wish you the fruits of your own love for your years ahead for it is powerful though weak. It is lessened but vintaged. Use it wisely. I hope you meet similar souls for you deserve to. If I am mistaken I am sorry - but it is what I see.
avishai

Very nice, compassionate, beautiful post, crusoe!
restrangled

I hear you Just....
I won't go in to detail, but we lived a mirrored life in our youth and high school years......
Sending my understanding of your pain and angst. Sometimes the pain is unbearable.
r.
troubled mind

justhuman :
The same story goes on in so many different lives . I was born in and have been out two yrs. now . After reading CoC , I at least have been able to rid myself from misguided guilt . I try very hard to build my new life everyday . But there still are so many days I hate not having history to share with others . I am not df'd or da'd , but most everyone stays away . My kids are older and so far are making a choice of keeping in contact with us over the society . I have to agree with the other posters that say now is the time to live in the now not in the past or the future. Make your days count.
When the day is hard to face ,come here and talk to someone it helps . Try to build a positive new outlook ...you can as long as your breathing ,you can .
My heart goes out to you .....it feels like this but others know your pain and hope soon it will be whole again .

There is so much pain...

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