My Journey

by Frenchy 45 Replies latest jw friends

  • Frenchy

    (cont'd from above)
    I started studying with a young man some time ago. It didn’t take long for me to like him. Like me he came from a poor and disadvantaged family and like me it has been a struggle for him to do better for himself. He wants to serve God. He wants to do the right thing. He wants me to help him learn what it is that God wants of him. I want to help him.

    I studied with him for a couple of months (I have since moved away) and now another brother is studying with him. I was very careful as we studied the ‘knowledge’ book to stop from time to time and explain to him that: “This is what Jehovah’s Witnesses believe but I want you to know and be aware that not everyone sees it that way. There are arguments for the other side as well.” Where appropriate I would go into the ‘other side’ of the argument and in the end tell him that it would be up to him to decide. STILL I know that this is not entirely without bias because he sees me as a JW and will instinctively take the side that he thinks I’m on. I have to be extremely careful when I
    ‘disagree’ with the book because… well you know why, don’t you?
    (to be cont'd)

  • Frenchy

    (cont'd from above)
    The same problem exists for me when I’m on the platform giving a public talk or a part on the school or the service meeting or conducting the WT study or the book study. What do I do when I have to present material that I don’t believe in? I feel like a hypocrite and rightly so, I believe. YET, if I say what I believe then that’s not fair to the faith either, is it? I mean it’s THEIR show, THEIR name is on the letterhead. I identify myself as one subscribing to that system of beliefs. How can I be selective in what I will believe and still be called one of Jehovah’s Witnesses? How can I deny PART of my faith without it collapsing, ‘a house divided against itself…”. How can I keep what I love and leave what I have come to hate? What do I become then?

    And so these dilemmas continue to plague me. I feel that I should be doing something but ‘what?’ I ask myself. Sometimes I get very angry at myself for allowing myself to be so completely duped. Sometimes I wonder if perhaps the problem is not with me. Has Jehovah removed his spirit from me and thus is no longer allowing me to see HIS organization? Am I now being deceived by the devil? Have I left ‘THE TRUTH!’ or am I just now realizing that it was all a pipe dream? I pray and pray and pray and I’m getting nothing back. Has God abandoned me? Was he ever with me? There were times when I felt that he was but now I feel nothing at all unless it's despair.

    Perhaps a false hope is better than no hope.

  • Seven

    Dear Frenchy, Please do not feel that God has abandoned you. You say you have prayed and got nothing back. What you don't see is THAT YOU DID. The silence you mistake for abandonment is really God's gift to you to think for yourself and for you to listen to the heart and mind he has given you. Once you have enough faith to do that you will hear him again loud and clear. This my friend
    is the real Truth. Jehovah God speaks to us all not just a select few. It is a personal relationship. It is different for each individual.
    For example, a teacher may need to spend more time
    with certain students and it may appear he/she is
    neglecting the rest of the class. This is not so.
    Some just need more individual attention at a given time. The teacher is relying on the others to use what knowledge they already have and carry on and stand on their own. Don't be afraid to stand on your own, Frenchy, Jehovah will never abandon you-he promised.

  • Frenchy

    Thank you, Seven, I appreciate the encouragement. I needed that.

  • mgm

    Hello Frenchy
    I understand your situation. Even for me as an "normal" puphlisher its difficult to preach, pray or to answer in the same way than than all the other witness. Fortunately, I don't have to teach from the stage.
    You feel like a teacher, which has to teach the kids something you don't believe yourself!
    But be shure, you're not the only one in that situation. But how do we know, if everybody keep his doubts for himself?
    Only God can see into your heard and knows what person you really are.

  • waiting

    Dear Group,

    The thoughts entered here are really group thoughts, but mgm put it rightly - how do we know unless we talk to each other.

    To me, that is one of the damning evidences against the Society - we are afraid to talk about what is on our minds.

    Being a woman, I will never speak from the stage, however, I was very active during the WT studies, etc. I was very careful to quote the par, line and words, because when most of the friends speak, they speak unrealisticly. For instance, the Society says: Maybe we'll see the end by 1975. When the para. is answered, someone will invaribly say: God's Word says the end will be in 1975.

    Now if it's a brother, at least down South, I've got to be able to quote from the WT article to even try to say what the Society is saying. I've been hauled to the back for correcting a brother (even if it is a stupid comment). But sometimes, I would look in amazement at the elder conducting the study - he will not correct any person - so ignorant or plainly wrong perceptions will be allowed.

    I got to wondering if that's not the agenda -the Society carefully words things to keep themselves straight, but surely they realize that the vast majority of brothers will "read" into their words definitives. At that point, are we really learning from the scriptures or is it really doubletalk? I personally started taking a couple of WT magazines with me to the meetings and read them just to keep my mind off the odd comments from the friends.

    The paradox is that the friends are good people, and some are smart, some are dumb - just like the world at large. But we try. But if we're being fed like farm animals instead of cherished house pets - well, what happens to farm animals, particularily when their usefullness is done?

    We are cast aside for greener pastures, better milking cows, etc. To me, it seems like the Society has set their specs on the Third World with gusto. We've given our best milk - and we're tired of being milked (some of us).

    Back to the discussion of the new, improved literature arrangement and the Third World. Here in the South, and it is in the KM which established the donation system, I have recently reread it, when you pick up your literature, you are to make a donation to cover the cost of printing. Then if you get a donation for the World Wide Preaching Work, that, all of it, is to be placed in the appropriate box in KH.

    Double payment for literature, and the publisher absorbs all printing cost, which according to Randy Watters, is highly profitable. According to
    figures from England's financial reports - he's right.

    The publishers in Third World countries are already poor, much worse off than us, are they to absorb the "printing costs" for the Society? I know the argument can be made, and will be, "Well, that's why those who have more should give more."

    That's not the underlying issue - are the publishers paying for the literature and collecting donations for the Society? If so, the Society is doing us a grave injustice - not in the money aspect alone - but in our implicite trust in their rightness as to their business actions. And money is business, my husband and & found that out the hard way, and it hurts to find out that the Society was a big business. And we're so proud of what the Society's lawyers accomplish in the Courts for freedom of rights. But if you ever have the misfortune to have their lawyers attention drawn to you because you question their businsess ethics - well, they'll treat you no different than any other business - and they act just like we all assume lawyers act when not on good behavior.

    So if this is business - I really don't want to lay down my life or give my heart to the Watchtower and Bible Tract Society CORPORATION. I believe, Biblically, we're to give our hearts to Jehovah and Jesus.

    Such big decisions, but perhaps we needed be in a big hurry. After all, "this generation" seems like it might last a bit longer than planned.

  • RedhorseWoman


    I read your post last night, but I wanted to give it some thought before I replied. I can understand your hurt and confusion, but I want to assure you, as did Seven, that Jehovah has NOT abandoned you.

    Perhaps the answers to your prayers are not what you expect. That does not mean that you are not receiving answers. Have you ever considered the possibility that one answer might be this very board?

    Has it occurred to you that shortly after you began posting your journal of discovery, a whole group of us showed up? Could it be that WE are part of the answers you seek?

    I've found that my personal relationship with Jehovah has been growing stronger in recent years. Ironically, it began growing stronger when I dismissed the WTBTS admonitions on how, when, where, and why to prayer; and also on what to pray for. I simply began talking to Him as I would to a friend, telling Him my concerns, fears, and needs (yes, I committed the unthinkable....I asked for specific things I needed whether it was emotional, material, or spiritual). I got answers.

    Some answers were immediate.....a feeling of peace or comfort, or an insight into a problem that had been eluding me. Some answers took longer, but they became evident over a period of time. I could see my path being laid out before me, and taking the path that was being shown to me resulted in the fulfillment of my needs.

    Don't despair. He IS there, and He IS guiding you. Just allow yourself to see.

  • Frenchy

    Thank you, Red. I really do appreciate this group.

  • Carmel

    Its interesting to note that people all over the world in many religious traditions recieve the same "answers" so one has to ask if it is "Jehovah" that is answering!


  • waiting

    Dear Carmel,

    I missed your point, what is it? That God is working through other religios groups or just plain people (like us).

    Or are you suggesting that demons could be at play? Man, I've been a JW for way too long.

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