Joke of the day

by Tyrone van leyen 49 Replies latest social humour

  • Clam

    Another bar joke -

    Two fonts walked into a bar. The barman said "sorry but we don't serve your type here"

  • Tyrone van leyen
    Tyrone van leyen

    LOL, I like #2 Mrs. Witness.

  • FadingAway

    Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.

    At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

    Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out with God."

    St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

    God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

    Arthur said, "Yes, that's me."

    God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

    Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

    God said, "Yes."

    "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

    1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions...

    2. It chatters constantly at high speeds...

    3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

    4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust...

    5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

    "Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

    God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

  • Tyrone van leyen
    Tyrone van leyen

    Ha, good one fading away! Cmon Clam, I can tell your working up to something . The font one wasn't bad though.

  • Clam

    OK Tyrone here goes. . . .

    Matthew 24.21 is about the spiritual tribulation . There was never and never will be this type of tribulation !

    There is a known period : 1914 AD - 1945 AD that is 31 years and it can be reduced for one year : 1914 AD - 1944 AD as God's name nowadays can also hide 30 years : Y-11,H-6,W-7,H-6 11+6+7+6 = 30

    The original values are : 10,5,6,5

    The First World War - 1914 AD - 1919 AD Economic Crash - 1929 AD- 1933 AD The Second World War - 1938 AD - 1944 AD

    So we have : 5 years ,4 years and 6 years for these events = 15 years

    It is half of God's name = 30 : 2 = 15

    We superimpose these values on the times the year 1984 AD begins .

    1984 AD + 6 years = 1990 AD 1990 AD + 4 years = 1994 AD 1994 AD + 5 years = 1999 AD

    There spiritual tribulation is from 1984 AD to 1999 AD and lasted 15 years.

    On August 11,1999 there was a total eclipse of the sun and then on January 21,2000 a total eclispe of the moon.

    Immediately after the tribulation of those days ( 1984 AD -1999 AD ) the sun will not shine and the moon will not give her light " - Matthew 24.29

    So ,we are under the verse Matthew 24.29 and stars will fall from heaven .

    The sun can grow dark and the moon but "falling stars" must be a paraphrised statement . How stars can fall upon the earth literally ?!

    There are 12 symbolic stars may represent years 12 years

    1999 AD + 12 years = 2011 AD

    Note the gaps between 1919 AD - 1929 AD = 10 years 1933 AD-1938 AD = 5 years

    10 +5 = 15 years also ! That is for YAH which is half of God's name in our times : 30 : 2 = 15

    And also 1914 AD-1919 AD,1929 AD-1933 AD,1938 AD-1944 AD = 15 years !

    So ,God name covers the era 1914 AD - 1944 AD and the division of God's name into : YAHWEH = YAH also covers and determines the period !

    That means God's hand is in the firm control over our history .The wars mankind waged had to last exactly as God YAHWEH had decided !

    What a proof God Yahweh must exist and the calculations I am presenting are reliable !

    The tribulation I am talking about is the strangest as it can be and indeed never was it understood this way .

    We read about wars and calamity in the period 1984 AD -1999 AD but these took place in another period : 1914 AD - 1944 AD ! They are superimposed on the period 1984 AD-1999 AD as a hidden sign to recognize we live in the end times. .

  • Scully

    Two guys are at the bar in a restaurant at the top of a sky scraper. One of the guys says to the other "Hey..... did you know that there's an air current that flows constantly at around the 10th floor of this building?? It's so strong that you can jump off the balcony here and it will carry you back up to the balcony!!"

    The second guy is unimpressed: "Well I find THAT hard to believe! What do you think I am? Stupid or something??"

    First guy: "I'll prove it to you.... come here, I'll show you!!" and with that the two guys go out to the balcony and the first one jumps off. Just as predicted, as the guy is plummetting to the ground, once he reaches the level of the 10th floor, he's suddenly swept away by the wind current and is lifted back to the balcony, safe and sound.

    Second guy: "Oh my GAWD that is SOOOOOO COOL!! Damn, that's COOL! But how do you know it works every time??"

    So the first guy jumps off the balcony, reaches the 10th floor again and gets swept back up to the balcony. He does it over and over and over..... every time the same thing happens. Finally, the second guy is totally impressed and convinced that it's completely safe. He jumps off the balcony and plummets to the ground...... SPLAT!! ..... street pizza.

    The first guy is laughing his arse off and goes back into the bar. The bartender looks at him and says "You're a mean bastard when you're drunk, Superman."

  • troubled mind
    troubled mind

    A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head . The bartender asks him , " Hey what's up with the paper towel ?"

    Pirate responds " Aye matey did ye not know I have a bounty on me head !"

    Hahahaha ....thank you thank you I'll be here all week .....

  • Tyrone van leyen
    Tyrone van leyen

    These are good jokes. LOl. I'm not sure I get your calculations though Clam. I think you should drop that one on Obves. Which reminds me.

    Did you you hear about the two theives that stole a calendar. They got 6 months each!

  • John Doe
    John Doe

    Wow, he must have been dedicated to illiteracy to wait 8 years for a few words, when a literate person would write them in a couple seconds. ;-)

  • Tyrone van leyen
    Tyrone van leyen

    Well, I wouldn't expect any less from you, John. I guess you would propose in writing eh. You are the sexiest man on earth! LOL

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