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jaguarbass

My wife of 35 years and I were talking last night. I was raised a witness. She became a witness on her own volition at about 13 years old. I am 55 years old. I was 23 when Armegedon hit back in 75. When I graduated high shcool in 71 since I didnt take school seriously thanks to the witnesses preaching the evils and unnecceasaryness of education I stumbled through menial jobs waiting for armegeddon in 75. Since I didnt want to die for being immoral, I got married in 72 and then she wanted a child in 74.

75 came and went. I cooled off in 76 and attended my last meeting in 83. I have been very bitter and angry my whole life since 75. I have bonced around low paying jobs and been abused working with all the slackers and dopers who never took life seriously. I tried to get an education but raising a son providing health care food and shelter and supporting my wife who cleaned houses I found by the time I was 40 I only had about 3 college classes. I would try pay the money enroll for classes but work would interfere cars would break down whatever.

I always had to work 50 to 60 hours a week just to keep a job. Thats the way it is if you dont have an education down here in Florida. Today I am 55 years old. I am still abused and taken advantage of at work. I never know when I am coming home. Any day I go in they might keep me 16 plus hours with 1 break. Yesterday I had to work 8 hours with no break or no lunch. Then they say just come in a half hour late tomorrow. Then when you come in a half hour late they say nice of you to show up.

Plus when I have to work 16 hours. I start work at 10:30 pm at night. I have to stay up all night and dont get off till 2:30 or 3 pm in the afternoon. Thats total hell.

I am angry often, I deal with it by exercising, I go to the gym for at least an hour most days. I also play music.

I write this because my wife thinks I am genetically defective with depression and anger.

I think it is normal for somebody who lived my life to be depressed and angry.

She wants me to start taking paxil. I took it for a couple of years starting about 3 years ago after my father died my son moved out of state and I lost my job all in the same week.

I am just concerned about side effects and the medicine cost money. And I am never going to recover from being a JW. So I will just walk around dopped up because my mother decided to buy some Wac tower magazines back in 1952.

I weaned myself off the paxil this past January. It just slows me down, slows my brain from thinking about the witnesses.

But society frowns at people who take such medicines and I am a corrections officer I fear it could jeopordize my job then I would be even more angry and depressed.

So I think I am going to grin and bear it and walk around angry.

But my wife says if I dont take the paxil it could jeopordize my job.

Any comments.

Warlock

Brother jag,

I really feel your pain.

It is difficult to move on emotionally, even if you converted. How much more so, someone born in.

Depression is anger turned inward, and while medication might work, it does not get rid of the anger.

Let me p.m. you with something that MAY help.

Warlock

SixofNine

Perhaps it isn't either/or? What I mean is, since you both agree that you have depression and anger; why not try other remedies before trying a drug based remedy? Since you are aware of your problem, cognitive therapy seems likely to be of benefit.

Little Drummer Boy

Dude, first of all, I think that you are completely justified for feeling angry and depressed. That is not to say that some different medication might not help better than paxil did. I had to try a bunch of different meds before I found one that works for me.

But anyway, you have worked hard all your life to support your family. And what is left for you? When do you get to relax or rest up? When is it your turn to get ahead a little bit financially? See, you have to be asking yourself those questions. I would (and do). I feel for you. Being responsible and putting your family first so that they have what they need to get by is tough to do. I wish I had answers for you. But you have my respect at least for keeping going with the grind even though it's hard to do.

If you can't go back to school, the only thing I can think of (besides different meds) is to think about changing jobs if possible. Even if the pay isn't better, maybe a change would do you some good. And you're in corrections. That right there would have to add a lot of stress to somebody's life.

Anyway, sorry I can't be more help.

Oh, just remembered one thing though...

You said that you won't ever recover from being a dub.

Not trying to minimize what you have been through with the jw's. I was in for a very long time and I don't have to tell you how it can tear up people's lives. But, you said '83 was your last meeting. That's a lot of years gone by if you aren't trying to put the cult behind you and move on.

Hope you hang in there.

Gregor

Jag, You sound miserable. Not Good. There are other anti depressants besides the one you mentioned. Frankly, IMHO, your job as a corrections officer means you work the long hours and put up with the aggravations in a jail or prison environment, and, you probably are in constant contact with the inmate population. This alone has got to be a huge downer to cope with on top of everything else.

If you can't find better employment in you area, consider moving.. Life is too short to be wasted on depression. See a Dr. about some help.

Said with brotherly concern,

G

5go

I agree with gregor my dad who isn't a dub works in a prison and suffers simular problems.

Hortensia

you're justifiably angry - but it will just destroy you if you stay angry. Even at 55 you can learn to be happier and that means your wife will be happier too. I highly recommend finding some kind of therapist - when I left the JWs and was seriously depressed, I didn't have any money and so I went to County Mental Health which had a program for adults with no money. It was worth it and I got a lot of help.

Hortensia

I just had to add that I am so sorry you have been depressed for so many years - I really sympathize.

Flowerpetal

Maybe you could try writing? At least you would get it out of your mind (the anger, etc.) and on paper.

Hannah

I really feel your pain. Big hugs to you. Anger is such a difficult emotion overcome, especially once it consumes you. This board is a fabulous place to come to because we understand the anger, the rage of feeling as though you sacrificed your whole life for nothing. Always wondering what my life would be like if I were raised "normal". There are so many wonderful and caring people here that want to help you.

I have to agree with Hortensia that there are places to go for help for those of us with little or no money. It really is worth the effort.

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