I had 'reached out' to be an elder for a decade before I finally understood the reasons why I was not, nor would I ever be one.
Each visit of the CO, my name was on the list of discussion. I know this because I was told by both CO's and local elders. The vote was always close, sometimes I missed the cut due to 'low hours' on the part of my wife or daughter, othertimes due to some variation in the way the WTS was looking at particular 'requirements'. But, I knew when it finally became clear, the real reason.
It was late 90's, and our congregation had a newly appointed CO visit. This cocky little bastard was the only one who ever 'clued me in' to the reality. It was a cold winter day. We were working in service in town, and I could tell he wanted to 'give me the news'. He did. He took me aside and told me that once again I had not been 'recommended' as elder. [I later found out that the vote was unanimous to make the appointment, and that the CO had 'overruled' the body decision.] But the floodgates of reality finally streamed in with that conversation.
He asked me, 'Jeff, what do you think is the primary qualification to be appointed an elder?' My answer revealed my insane misunderstanding of the way the organization really worked, though by this point I had been a baptized Jw for 25 years or longer. I answered 'Love of the brothers - that is the only reason I am interested in it at all.' He looked at me like I was clueless [and I was I guess] and said, 'While that is important, the key ingredient to a good elder is cooperation with the body of elders - unity.'
HE WAS TELLING ME THAT I WAS NOT A TEAM PLAYER, A COMPANY MAN!
Up to that point, I really believed the organization put the Bible out ahead of the boardroom. I know that was naive, but I really believed it to be true in this important aspect. In fact, after every rejection, and this went on for years, I would go back an look at the qualifications listed in Titus and Timothy, looking for my failure to meet them. Though I would occasionally dig out the Watchtowers that dealt with the matter, I did not believe that the Watchtower should override the Bible, and in my mind I never let it. So I kept striving to meet qualifications that the organization did not give a rat's patooy about - they wanted a yes man - and I was not that. Admittedly, I never was, never tried to be the Yes man.
Retrospectively, I realize now how frustrated I would have been in that inner circle. I would not have lasted long. I don't kiss ass well , if at all. And in the frame of mind I had at that point [overzealous and outspoken if I felt the Bible was being trampled upon], I would not have lasted long. I never wanted the 'glory', what little there is of that, that comes from prominence in the Jw sense of the word. And I know now, that justice misapplied to which I would have been privy, would have torn me apart. My voice would have been silenced by the body of elders quickly. Likely I would have been an elder only a short time. And that time would have been more frustating to me than the effort was to get there.
Looking back, this became a watershed moment for me. I realized just how man-made the organization was at that point. It was all a game of smoke and mirrors and corporate jockeying for position. It had nothing to do with shepherding the flock in love. It was a worthy realization, though painful at the time. I am glad it happened that way. It aided my eventual release from the mental prison of the Watchtower, though this was not the primary factor.
Jeff