For those who've settled on 'no contact' with their JW families . . .

by Madame Quixote 34 Replies latest social family

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  Madame Quixote

  . . . for whatever reason. Do you question it sometimes and think you should try to "reach out" to them again? I was this morning and then came across the thread above and was reminded why I need to stay away.

  But, still, I read threads of people who have managed somehow, despite being d'f'ed or faded or d'aed and think I might try to be more understanding, supportive, reach out or something.

  Despite all the problems growing up in a fairly dysfunctional family, I still feel a deep attachment to them and hope against hope that they might come to their senses (if they ever had any to begin with) and get help and leave the cult of jehobo; and we might reconcile,etc., etc., blah blah blah dream dream dream.

  I deeply wish for them all freedom and happiness and healing and feel so helpless to free them of their bonds and yet see so much possibility for it, if only they could be reached somehow.

  On the other hand, some days I think and have said," they can all move to Mars" for all the interest they've shown me and my daughter over the years. Unless I come crawling and begging or something, they make no effort to be in contact with me.

  It is infuriating to keep repeating that pattern and it's not healthy so I just stay away now and wish that I did not have to.

  Wish there was something more "in between," but because of their religious obsession and the emotional damage I know it entails for those involved, I just have to stay away. And let them continue to blame me for it all. Oh well. Whateva'!
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  compound complex

  Dear Madame,

  On a purely normal, human level [non-JW] I have family who are loving, supportive and generous. They do their thing, but not everyone responds to them appreciatively. 'Ho-hum, oh - it's you again?' But they continue to spread cheer and good will on a daily basis. Other kith and kin are cretins, vulgarians and Philistines. I do hope I am not being too brutal, as there, but for the grace of God, go I. Yet these individuals are characteristically caustic and mean. Sure, these folks have some redeeming qualities - they're simply not apparent!
  Just be yourself and dispense your own brand of positive vibes. Love NEVER fails; however, a brainlocked individual's failure to respond to said love does not mean that the loving person has failed. The cult has arrested the normal development of its followers' authentic personalities. When your family is ready - if ever so - you will be there for them. I was the first in my family to become a JW, 40 years ago, so you can understand my empathy for you.

  Peace and Love,

  CoCo
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  Madame Quixote

  Thanks, co co. I agree. I'll just stay away for now and try not to make any drunken tirades over the phone against the "philistines," lest I return to being one myself!
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  Gretchen956

  Well I for one am SO much better off without those of my family that have chosen to shun me. My parents were abusive, mom added manipulative to that, it was always "poor poor me" on top of it, conversations always revolved around gossip and hate if they weren't on the scent of fear and damnation due to my course in life. Who has time for that?

  My parents can't help the way they are, they don't have the tools or the ability to see that they have made choices that put them where they are. They are uneducated even by JW standards, and very extreme in their fanaticism, which keeps them deep deep in that box.

  So I just let them be, and hopefully in the next life they will have learned the lesson this one had to offer them.

  Sherry
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  garybuss

  I don't look good with an olive branch shoved up my a$$. Plus it's getting crowded up there with three there now. I'm done. This is the way it'll all end. Everybody's got what they want. I don't think my life would be any better with more rejections. I think I've got enough for one lifetime.
  
  
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  Bumble Bee

  It's a tough decision to make. If you feel that it's the healthy course for you to stay away from your family, by all means do so. There are lots of families that need to keep their distance from each other - not just those seperated by religion.

  When my mother found out my position it was a nasty scene. She told me she never wanted to have anything to do with me ever again. I accepted her decision, told her I would always be here if she changed her mind. There was silence for a few months, then she came around. We have a "don't ask, don't tell" agreement as far as religion is concerned.

  If you feel you need to reach out - do so, with the understanding before you do that you might be hurt again, or you could be surprised and have it go well. Can you accept the hurt that might come with contact? If things are too raw for you at this point in your life, keep things the way they are.

  BB
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  sass_my_frass

  I want to keep the olive branch out, but it's a world of pain, every time I have even the tiniest bit of contact with them. I was sending these emails out to everybody I know, an all-points-bulletin of our life in our new town just to keep old non-JW friends in my life, and forwarded it to the JW family. One sibling told me not to send them anymore, and I read this email at work and nearly had a fit right on the spot. That sort of thing throws me for weeks.

  They want no contact? They get no contact. I let them know my new address and that they can contact me anytime, and expect to never hear from them again. The only way to deal with that is to realise that I don't actually want contact with them again. Their conditional love is worthless to me. I love them so much, but I just hate the way they hurt me. I have to eliminate it from my life for our own good.
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  looking_glass

  Do you question it sometimes and think you should try to "reach out" to them again?

  No. My response to my mother and her "you are no longer my daughter letter" was ... until you get the mental health help that you need in order to have a proper happy healthy relationship regardless of if you have a come to jesus moment, I will not have a relationship with you. And I mean it. Unless she tells me she is getting mental health help (which we know from a JW standpoint that will never happen) I refuse to have anything to do with her and the dysfunction that she, thru the religion, brings with her.

  As we have seen here, there are many amazing people who have lost family/friends due to this religion. Those family members have lost out on time and amazing family (friends). It is their choice and it is their path. We can chose to feel less of a person because these people have rejected us due to their crazy beliefs. Or alternatively, we can accept the fact that we are wonderful people who bring amazing things to this world and it is their loss.

  I have a small core group of friends who act as family to me. When time is hard or my life is stressful, these people rally around me and build me up. I would never give them up for the crazy JW way. Some of these people are active JWs, some are inactive JWs, some are DF'd DA'd JWs but many are not, nor have they ever been, JWs. These people are my family.

  I am blessed with my friends and I know it and acknowledge it every chance I get.
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  Frank75

  I choose to mostly let them be. So far some relatives have sought me out and there has been a mostly positive result from that.

  The best was when my younger brother called me up out of the blue. Years ago when I left the JW's he told me to stay away from him and his family, which I did.

  When I was later DF'd he told me that he was just as bad as everyone else talking about me being an apostate, stubborn, refuse discipline etc. although he had no idea of what had happened. After a while he said the gossip just got to be too much, as he knew full well that the things being said were not true. Additionally he was getting the "guilt by association" routine, you know, every talk on loyalty themes, Korah, Hymanaeus etc. You get the picture.

  We need to remember that a "disloyal JW" puts a real stress on the loyal ones. They are hell bent to live down the scrutiny imposed by our departure. They must prove or feel they must prove to the others that they are super loyal dubs.

  Anyway, my Brother called me one day wanting to get together and talk about what really happened, and that has helped him and his wife and their 5 children get out.

  They were already prepared to leave, they just needed help untangling the programming. That readiness is key to having any success reconnecting.

  Long story short, he says that if I had come after him or tried to send him stuff to read, letters or emails, that he wouldn't have listened. The fact that I was living my life peacefully gave him pause.

  I know it is not the way for everyone to deal with JW family and former friends, but for me, I won't back from a fight, but there is no honour in looking for one.

  I am not much good at pretending either. So this "don't ask don't tell" policy sounds as inviting as having a relationship with a toaster.

  Just my 2 cents worth.

  Frank75
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  noni1974

  I had no contact with my family with the exception of my parents for about 6 years.Then one day I went to my great uncles funeral.I saw my 2 aunts and my grandpa.My one aunt came up to me and hugged me and said thank you to me for taking care of my Mom.She said I was a good daughter.The very next week my uncle my Mom's brother died.I saw all my family again.Which I was treated very nicely by my family and even had one of my aunts stick up for me to an elder.I had an elder tell me I should not be there and people didn't want me there.My aunt told me that he had no right to tell me that and I should come back because the family needed me.I went to the memorial last year to help my mom who is in a wheelchair.I was again told how good it was to see me and treated very nicely.I went to my family reunion and brought my boyfriend and introduced him to everyone.Then in December I was invited to my cousins wedding.I went and was even in the family pictures.Now it's been almost 2 years since I was able to see my family again and I have my 2 aunts phone numbers.I've even reconnected to my grandpa who is now dieing.I was able to go out to dinner with my aunts and my parents and my grandpa about 2 months ago.My grandpa asked me for a hug and he talked to me like I was his grandchild.I've had dinner with them since then.Our relationship is not the same as it was but it's better than it has been.I think seeing me happy and content has helped them see me as a person again.I don't hide anything and I live life on my terms.I'm sorry everyones family can't be like mine.