Why can't he let himself be happy?

by emilyblue 49 Replies latest social relationships

  • jayhawk1
    My dad told me after our last breakup that I should fall on my knees and thank God that things didn't work between him and me because I would have lost myself and destroyed my family in the process.

    Your dad is a smart man. Listen to him.

  • emilyblue

    I'm an idiot. I am I am I am. Tonight I watched some old movie that showed a captain going down with his sinking ship, and it dawned on me that that's me. I'm going down with this freaking ship for why? I can't help him, as much as I want to, and God, how I want to. I feel for this man like I have felt for no one else. I am so sorry that he is in so much pain over losing his son during his first divorce; I'm sorry his mother, while she loves him, is such an emotional drain on him. I'm sorry his father and his three stepfathers have all been a-holes. I'm sorry the mortgage industry is a disaster right now and he doesn't have a stable income. I see him worrying about EVERYTHING and there is nothing I can do or say to make it any better. When he tells me how glad he is that he has me, I feel so guilty for planning my escape and lose my resolve to do so. If only he could feel glad to have me for longer than two weeks before the whole "unevenly yoked" issue raises its head again. If only his feelings could be consistent.

    It's not very nice of me, but lately I have been wondering where have all his Witness friends been this year? It's been me, his pagan heathen Protestant girlfriend who has taken his late-night and early-AM calls when he can't sleep because he is so anxious. It's been me who has been there for him in between jobs. It's been me who's been there and let him spend the night at my apartment because he feels too lonely in his when his son goes home after visitation. Of course it's also been me who feels like crap when he decides a few nights later that it's wrong for him to stay over when we are not married. He can call me anytime, day or night, and I will drop what I'm doing to reassure him that I love him and that I'm here for him. When I stopped by his apartment one morning at 7am after a bad night, he accused me of stalking him because I knocked on his door and woke him up and threatened to call the police if I bothered him at that hour. Later that day he called and told me I should have known better to come over at that hour because I knew he had problems sleeping at night and usually couldn't fall asleep until 5 am. He can be so unkind and just plain mean, but then he can be so amazingly loving, too. I know that I am far from perfect. I get overly emotional and dramatic and he says that I am sometimes manipulative and try to guilt him into doing things that he feels are wrong. I don't want to be like that. I don't know why I'm writing this. I guess I just needed an outlet. Thanks for reading. And no, I'm not usually this stupid.

  • SPAZnik

    You really need to stop insulting yourself.

  • fri

    Take the story of Lot's wife and do the same, but in this case run away from him. Better be a statue of salt (preserved for a long time) then be wife number 3 and go through the same miserable story.

    Run as far from him as you can. You will be dictatated the rest of your life on what to do and where to go and what books you may have home.

  • SPAZnik

    He's telling you himself it's "wrong" for him to be with you.
    I don't think a person would have to say that to me twice before I stopped taking their calls. And changed my number.
    And MOVED, so they couldn't "drop by".

    He's taking advantage of your naivety and compassion and offering you none of the same in return.

    If you want to be a single parent, you could get with this guy.
    That, or you could adopt an actual child.

  • penny2
    Of course it's also been me who feels like crap when he decides a few nights later that it's wrong for him to stay over when we are not married.

    emilyblue, I can see your problem. You are not stupid, you are torn. What I suggest you do is this. Next time there is an event which is the last straw (ie he treats you badly and you decide to call it quits), get really angry for what he is doing to you. Don't be upset - divert that into anger. Ring him up and tell him it's over with a brief reason why.

    Next, go to your computer and start up a document headed, "Why I would be mad to ever see this man again." Then list all the mean and unkind things he has said to you lately, all the horrible things he has done and why your relationship can never work.

    Everytime you start thinking of him in a positive light, read your list.


  • jgnat

    Emilyblue, I don't want to hear any more about this guy. He's a user and an abuser.

    I want to hear more about you. What are your hopes and dreams? What are you doing creatively right now? What's the funnest thing you've done with your kids this year?

  • R.Crusoe

    If you're good together maybe you can chip the cemented rules and regulations away from his emotion and his heart. But to do that he's gonna have to come along with you and he's already convinced an all powerful creator is watching his every IDEA let alone what he does. How can you tell a person their God doesn't exist! His image of his God is so intense to him that he has lost the power of his own reason. Any errors he makes will completely ensnare his soul into making more errors - more especially when he feels the eye of Horus upon his every step. His emotions are in CONFLICT with his very being! Good luck - you'll need it coz I'm not sure love is enough.

    I wonder if any ex JW's know of any effective loving/caring rescue strategies for severely troubled souls ensnared with doctrine - or is it a long road to ruin before arriving at where some of us are at?

  • R.Crusoe

    You're a lovely person!

    This is my take on what might be going on, but I don't know either of you so it's pure fiction really!!!

    He knows you are - and he knows he is - in his heart but he's plagued by hauntings from the doctrines still clinging to his emotions which make him feel worthless and a complete failure. They'll kick in at times and he'll uphold them with confusion, frustration and anger because he'll think that maybe he should go back into a faith he can never really identify with anymore. Both emotions running in parallel, in CONFLICT and tearing at whatever person he's trying to build out of who now he is / has been! He doesn't know what he stands for anymore and so can't present himself in a relationship as a whole person. He will know that he can't love you unconditionally and so he'll feel guilty that he's using you. He needs a loving, sexual friend who'll move on or better still just remain friends and encourage him if he ever finds true love to go after it - when he's finally come to terms with himself. A guardian angel - of sorts - but not a wife -he's not ready and if he thinks that' s your hope it will freak him!

    Unbelievable really - bet you can't believe it!

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee


    I am sure by now that you realize you aren't alone in this kind of relationship with a JW who is sitting on the fence and making someone else's life miserable.

    Take a break from him. When you get those weak moments when you want to call him, come on back here and do some reading about other people in your situation.

    The Best of... I'm married to or dating a JW is full of them.

    Talk to us instead. At least we give support instead of always trying to suck the life out of you.

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