Why can't he let himself be happy?

by emilyblue 49 Replies latest social relationships

  • MeneMene

    Maybe if you read the books Abandoned suggested would help you.

    Lady Liberty posted a link several weeks ago - www.jwfiles.com/outline.htm
    Take time to read it. The more you learn the truth about JWs the easier your decision will be.

    Here's a good thread on subjection - www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/126680/1.ashx

    Make sure to read the information on www.freeminds.org and www.silentlambs.org

  • SPAZnik

    Hi emilyblue, welcome.

    How long have you guys been together if you don't mind me asking?

    As for why he can't let himself be happy? It is probably because JWs are incessantly conditioned to believe that they are not allowed to be happy with "this world" and must do little or nothing with their lives except "wait on Jehovah" to solve world problems and knock on doors to convince others to disown themselves to the same end, feeding the Watchtower machine.

    They are taught that there is only one "right" way to live and that way is at the Kingdom Hall and going door to door fixated on "the end of this system" without actually doing anything pertinent or real in the here and now toward improving "this system", because in their view, humans (left here by an absent God), have no right to do anything about this system and all the things they are doing about this system are just plain wrong.

    They are also taught a bigoted attitude toward non-witnesses, though they may not even be able to admit that to themselves. In his world, dating you is like a white person dating a black person in 19th and 20th Century, United States, deep south. The KKK (elders) would be sure to burn the white person's house down (or in this case attempt to destroy his entire social framework for survival by disfellowshipping him) for failing to conform to their sociocentric religious/political agenda, no matter how ridiculously invalid or inhumane that agenda is.

    His situation is slightly better than that white man's because while a black woman couldn't change her race, you, he apparently hopes, could change your religion/beliefs/culture to conform to his "superior" one. Trying to change each other in this way is a very deep-rooted process, not to be taken lightly.

    I was a JW (from birth) and fell in love with a non-JW (when I was about 27). He and I didn't end up together, but his love, respect and courageous honesty (in contrast with the elders treatment of me) stood out to me in such a way that it made me begin to seriously rethink my beliefs.

    Hugs to you, emilyblue. I'm sure it's a challenging time right now. I hope you and yours find some answers/solutions and peace with your situation.


  • J-ex-W

    Emilyblue--------- Your letter could have been written by me nearly twenty years ago...except you have a much better grasp of some of the red flags than I could ever envision at that time! Honey, it DOES NOT GET BETTER!!!!! I cannot emphasis enough: Run for your life!!!

    I didn't...and have one h*** of a sorrowful tale to tell as a result. One thing that stands out all by itself, even without the particular religion of Jehovah's Witnesses in the picture: He says his first two marriages failed because his first two wives refused to submit to his headship. THAT is a H - U - G - E red flag signalling ABUSER, period!!!

    Never mind the concept of high mind control group---you will be entering a high mind control MARRIAGE if you yoke yourself to this guy.............and he will always back up his unsound, unbalanced, unloving, and uninsightful expectations and viewpoints using the teachings of that high mind control group. [And believe me--push come to shove--they WILL support the man's right to headship above all else in that religion, including above the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual welfare of the woman in the relationship....]

    You will ALWAYS be expected to i-g-n-o-r-e what your heart and gut are telling you is in your own best interests, what is to your own good, and will be told that your own judgment and preferences regarding yourSELF is really your heart being 'treacherous,' and to not 'lean upon your own understanding.'

    GIRL, I cannot emphasize enough....DON'T DO IT!!! Don't sign your mind/ life/ body over to this guy and to the ever-demanding, ever-demoralizing book publishing company he lives in guilty slavish service to...!! You DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER>>>>>>>>>>>>

    I am sending you a private message. We can talk however in depth about these things that you want to. Please...for your own sake...steer clear............ I wish I had had a forum like this and someone knowledgable to warn me at that critical time in my life....

  • J-ex-W
    emilyblue, you are in a relationship with an abuser who happens to be a JW. The JW attitude towards women is bad enough all by itself without adding an abusive mentality. He is emotionally abusive and controlling towards you, JWism is simply the vehicle through which he is attempting to control you by means of guilt. Get out. Now. It will hurt a lot less than it will if you stay.

    I know you're new here and don't know me from anyone, but trust me when I say I'm not a Chicken Little. Your story makes me want to reach through this screen and shake you awake.

    Emilyblue----- I have to agree with EVERY WORD of what Odrade wrote here...........again, from experience>>>>>>>>

  • Ryan1
    Last week he found a book about Josephine Bonapart, Napolean's wife, on my bookshelf. He opened it up to a page on which a voodoo priestess predicted she would one day be queen. It freaked him out and I had to remove the book from my apartment. He then told me the next day that while I was out walking my dogs, he heard a cell phone ringing in my apt, except there was no cell phone there. Then he went home and had a really bad dream. He thinks evil spirits are attempting to contact me since I stopped going to meetings and keep cancelling my bible study. Then he distanced himself after I said that was ridiculous and it was probably just job stress causing him to imagine things.

    Does he have a history of mental illness?

  • SPAZnik

    He laughs at your concerns?

  • emilyblue

    Thank you all for your replies. It helps so much. My head and my heart are battling right now, but I know I have to end this relationship. We've been together for over a year, so I guess I just have to give myself some time to be sad and get over the relationship. Every time we temporarily work things out, it's just postponing the inevitable. I've tried to talk myself into becoming a Witness. I've attended meetings and bible studies, but I just can't commit any further than that. I've told him that I would attend every meeting with him whenever he is ready for us to attend the same Hall, but that is not enough for him. He already has a son and I don't want children, so if there's not going to be children involved, I don't understand what the big deal would be with us not sharing the same beliefs. He wants me to be baptized and take on a new personality, even if it means alienating myself from my family. I can't and won't do that. I know what I have to do. It just hurts so much, and I can't imagine ever loving some other guy the way I love him. I wanted us to be married and grow old together. I love everything about him and I told him that I can appreciate that being a Witness has helped make him who he is and I can respect his beliefs even if I can't share them. I don't understand how he would allow this to end our relationship.

  • emilyblue

    No, he doesn't have a mental illness, but I think he is depressed. He even admits he's depressed and he says he has valid reasons to be that way since his job situation is currently unstable due to the industry he is in, he is under major financial strain, and he only gets to see his son every other weekend. He also talks about his crappy childhood a lot. He talks to his mother on the phone every day, and she is a very negative, intense person. She's always asking him if he's been to the meetings.

    He told me that I would be freaked out about evil spirits too, if I had ever had an experience with them. He told me that several years ago, his ex-wife had bought some suits at a garage sale. He woke up in the middle of the night after having a dream about murder and got some water. He said that a dime, which had been in one of the suit pockets, unexplainable fell off the table. He packed up the suits and drove off to dispose of them and tried to play a bible tape in his car. The tape wouldn't play until he said a prayer to Jehovah. It all sounded too weird to me, and he got very frustrated that I wouldn't take him seriously. He told me to look through my apartment and get rid of anything that I didn't know where it came from. He asked me if I had crucifixes, because those apparently are highly pagan. He also said I should consider getting rid of the box of Christmas ornaments that I have. I told him my mom gave me those, so no way. After that, he said he couldn't come over to my apartment for a while because he was too disturbed by what had happened. I asked him if he was so concerned about my apartment being possessed by evil spirits, how was he ok with me staying there? He told me that if I got scared, just call out Jehovah's name and he will help me. It really freaked me out and for a couple of nights afterwards I slept with just about every light on. Of course now he's perfectly fine with coming over. Probably because he missed my cable so much.

    Good Lord I am an idiot. All I can say in my defense is that if you met him, you would like him. Everyone, except for my family and friends whom I have confided in, loves him. He can be so funny and charming and is so good at talking to people and making them feel comfortable. I just wish I could take all of his pain away and somehow convince him that God has bigger problems on His hands than whether or not I put up a Christmas tree or enjoy Cadbury eggs.

  • SPAZnik

    You sound lucid. And humorous. I'm sorry for your heartache.

  • Abandoned
    I just wish I could take all of his pain away and somehow convince him that God has bigger problems on His hands than whether or not I put up a Christmas tree or enjoy Cadbury eggs.

    I'm forty. So, I'm going to give you a bit of advice I learned the hard way. Relationships aren't about fixing people. They aren't about taking away someone's pain. Find someone who may not look sharp or talk sharp but who can finish your thoughts and leave you wondering why you didn't meet him twenty years ago. That's the one for you.

    Good luck.

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