Why can't he let himself be happy?

by emilyblue 49 Replies latest social relationships

  • new boy
    new boy

    I think you have 2 problems.

    1. You are a Rescuer

    2.You are a Rescuer!

    Have you had a long line of relationships like this one?..........Trying to save lost souls. If he isn't a happy person.......are you going to MAKE him happy?

    Is the sex THAT good?.......if it is...it is just going to make it that much harder to make the break.

  • juni

    Welcome Emily to the JWD forum. You have received a lot of excellent input from others.

    I agree. There are red flags waving all over the place. You deserve better.

    Thinking about all the crap I have gone through really makes me feel like a total idiot. I must have issues of my own to be willing to deal with this. But I love this guy and want so badly to help him. I keep thinking how will I feel if I give up on him and then see him out and about with some other woman who was able to stick it out and stand by him and help him through this. I don't want to give up on him.

    Don't get so down on yourself Emily. You are being a rescuer and an enabler by allowing him to continue to reel you in and make you feel that he needs you to make him happy. Don't feel you should rescue all the unhappy people out there. That is not your "job".

    With people like this - no matter how long you may want to stick it out w/them to "help" them - if they aren't up to the task of fixing their own problems if will never happen. Do you want to spend your life trying "to change" him so that you are happy? I promise you - it will never happen. If some other gal wants this job you should thank god you were smart enough to walk away from it.

    There are plenty of wonderful guys out there who do not want to be controling, but a support and a friend to you.

    Take care and I hope you take to heart the advice of others who have been through it or are familiar w/these types. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache.


  • Mystla
    He can be so funny and charming and is so good at talking to people and making them feel comfortable.

    He's charismatic. A lot of abusers are. This doesn't make them relationship material!

    You've already gotten lot's of good advice...



  • Frannie Banannie
    Frannie Banannie

    Emily! He's a control freak in an extremely destructive religious cult. He does NOT want a helper. He wants an enabler.

    RUN, EMILY, RUN!!!!


  • JWdaughter

    I hope this re-inforces your conviction to end the relationship. I have mentally ill people in my family and I have worked with them. Being very up and glowing and lighting up a room, then being hand darkening it is a sign of mental illness. Two wives and a child, unsteady job. . . cultic religion that he believes, but which he does not live by-but which he will expect to have run YOUR life. . .hmmm. Do you need a sign? No. You are smart enough to know this is trouble. Whatever he was reproved for sounds like it could be a sexual issue. If he cheated on his wives. . .do you think he will treat you better? Do you have any idea what he expects regarding his ideas on headship? There is a child involved already. It may not be your physical child, but you would have a relationship with that child. . .fake JWs usually can't take it long term. And you would then be rejected by this man, a child you had come to love and friends that you may have come to rely or enjoy. You don't even want to consider this. Look up bi-polar or schitzophrenic and do some homework. You will not be able to save him. Save yourself. Run like crazy, buy new sneakers if you must!

  • Caine

    OH MY GOD!!!

    This story is my story to the smallest detail and it is sad. I was raised a JW and fell in love with a girl who was not. She was associated with witnesses but was not baptized. She is drop dead gorgeous, we can laugh for hours and never get tired of each other, we are into the same things. She is great, only thing she is not a witness. I put her and myself through hell. Trying to make her a witness, all the while sleeping with her. I was being a total hypocrite. Finally i had an emotional breakdown from being so torn and confessed, and got disfellowshipped. And lost the girl in the process. Now i am miserable, but trying to convince myself I did the right thing.

    Emily, for your own sanity leave him alone and let him figure this one out by himself. He cant help you, and he cant love you until he can do those things for himself. And hes making you and himself miserable.

    Hopefully he will come around. If not he may end up like me and lose the love of his life over religion

  • asleif_dufansdottir


    You don't know enough about JWs yet to know how scary it is that he thought 2 JW wives didn't submit to his headship properly. JW wives have been known to take massive physical and mental abuse, and let their children be abused, because they are taught that the answer to a husband abusing you is to Be More Submissive and Pray Harder.

    If he thinks *2* JW women were not submissive enough, you should be moving, leaving no forwarding address, and changing your phone to a new unlisted number.

    Please take what people here tell you seriously.

  • emilyblue

    Thank you all. I can't express how grateful I am to all of you. There is not a single person in my life telling me to give him another try. Everyone, both in here and in "real" life, is telling me to RUN. I would be incredibly naive to think that giving the relationship one more try would make any difference, except prolong the pain for both him and myself. My dad told me after our last breakup that I should fall on my knees and thank God that things didn't work between him and me because I would have lost myself and destroyed my family in the process. I don't know why that took so long to sink in. Every time we break up, he tells me that after I date other guys for a while, I realize what I had with him and come back, IF he's still available. He tells me I always need to learn things the hard way. I guess I have to agree with that. I ignored all the red flags at the beginning of the relationship, thinking that love would save the day. If I ever have another relationship with anyone, I'm going to be much more cautious.

    Thank you for all your advice, and thank you for not sugar-coating it. I've had my head in the sand for way too long.

  • codeblue

    Please run as fast as you can "away from this guy"........this is not a healthy relationship for either of you. YOU deserve better.


  • penny2

    What a horrible, controlling person.

    Glad you saw the light. If you ever feel tempted to go back to him, just get in touch with us again!! And your dad sounds like a wise man.


Share this