Why can't he let himself be happy?

by emilyblue 49 Replies latest social relationships

  • aikichristian

    my relationship with my girlfriend is great....but we've kept the religions very separate. So, we've managed to avoid the clashes you are experiencing....but I don't know for how we should keep that separation. Our relationship lacks a spiritual union which is CRUCIAL to any serious relationship. I know that at some point my faith and her faith will meet. It will either be decided at the table or when the dust settles.

    As for your situation:

    Cut and run.

    I had typed a bunch of stuff after that sentence, but deleted it after re-reading the previous posts.

    Buy some cleats and run!

    He is trying to control EVERY facet of your life: private, public, past, present, future, possessions, etc. He doesn't want "headship" he wants dictatorship. Plain and simple.

    Unless your mom gave you a Ouija board, he shouldn't be demanding you to toss it.

    He's a control freak because his childhood sucked, his mother still controls him, his previous marriages failed, his job sucks, his money sucks, and the icing is: he's JW. Everything is out of his control, including his faith-brain. So, guess who he is trying to control like a puppy?


  • J-ex-W

    He's a control freak because his childhood sucked, his mother still controls him, his previous marriages failed, his job sucks, his money sucks, and the icing is: he's JW. Everything is out of his control, including his faith-brain. So, guess who he is trying to control like a puppy?



  • Honesty

    RUN Emily RUN

    RUN as FAST as YOU CAN FROM this GUY



  • jgnat

    I think the board has done a really good job of clarifying the issues for you. But I so enjoyed writing my reply, I'll include it here. I picked out some things you said. See if they hit home.

    but the marriages didn't work because neither one of his wives were "doing what God says" they should do, as far as giving him headship.


    I went to the Kingdom Hall...it was very boring

    Yes. Don't expect improvement any day soon.

    I am currently in a bible study with an older lady who is very nice but told me that I should consider wearing skirts to meetings.


    I had to remove the book from my apartment

    This is a foretaste of what is to come. Do you like this?

    He becomes super-religious, I make up my mind that it's over, one of us breaks down and calls the other, we get back together and are very happy for about 1-2 weeks, then his guilt takes over again and he pressures me into going to meetings.

    You realize this is the same cycle that abused wives go through, don't you?

    I'm so torn. I love this man. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

    Why? He's a control freak. He lied about his expectations, and I suspect it will only get worse. Rent the Stepford Wives, dear, and think long and hard if you want that sort of life. Release him, release him from his guilt and conflict. Tell him to call you if he ever makes a full break with the Witnesses, to give you a call. But not to wait too long. You may start dating again.

    I'm not sure if I can lead a normal life with this man, but then I don't know if I would ever enjoy life without him.

    Anyone who makes cupcakes on Dr. Seuss's birthday knows how to enjoy life!

    I just can't won't make a decision on what to do and it's causing me so much pain.

    Imagine that you have a beautiful thorn stuck in your foot. Once in a while it gets so painful, you pull it out. But the thorn pleads to be stuck back in, and you concede. You tolerate the pain for a while, but then you pull it out again. Yes, it will be painful to make a clean break, but the pain will be temporary. If, however, you set yourself up to be hurt over and over, your pain will continue.

    It's not that you can't make the decision, is that you won't accept the full consequence of a clean break. You might be afraid you cannot attract another charming and intelligent lover. Face the fear, and you will.

  • bikerchic

    ((emilyblue))......you know what to do!

    Dating is so you'll get to know a person to see if you two are a match and it usually takes 18 months to 2 years for people to let their guard down and events to happen where you really see the real person.

    The way I see it is that you've invested a year on this guy and you see what he's like and it sounds pretty crazy to me. Just ask yourself some hard questions like, do you want to live the rest of your life with this man like the year you've spent with him? Are the few, brief good times enough to make up for the many bad times? How does he make you feel as a person? Does he honor your beliefs? Is he trying to change you into something/someone you aren't? Can you imagine having his children and bringing them up in this craziness? Would that be fair to an innocent child and be in their best interest?

    Marriage isn't about just you but children do come along and as a parent you absolutely need to give them the best start possible and that begins with bringing them into a compatible marriage, period! If you want to keep this guy and live with his craziness please have your tubes tied!

    You might want to read this book, it will help you sort out the tough questions:

    Before You Say 'I Do' : Important Questions for Couples to Ask Before Marriage

    Happy reading and good luck!

  • Junction-Guy

    I have read most of the replies here, and they have given you good responses. Here is something you could ask him? which is worse according to the bible--committing fornication, or bringing cupcakes to a birthday party? That alone ought to tell you how silly this religion is, and the mindset your future husband has. Run from this guy, as far away as the east is to the west. You dont need your life turned into a confusing hell.

  • bluebell


  • Finally-Free

    Do you really want to be in a marriage where the cult elders have more authority than you do - even if you are not a JW? Even in the bedroom? Even if you never become a JW, being married to one pretty much guarantees that the cult elders will know everything about you. You will have no secrets from them. Any children you may have will be taught that you're little more than a walking corpse, doomed to destruction at armageddon if you don't join the cult. They will not respect your authority because you're "worldly". Your children will be outsiders - not allowed to have "worldly" friends, but considered to be second class among the JWs because they come from a "divided home".

    You can always love again. Rebuilding a ruined life is a lot harder - sometimes impossible. Dump the guy now, run like hell, and never look back.


  • jwfacts

    Welcome to the site.

    You may find it beneficial to print out the information at http://www.jwfacts.com/index_files/mindcontrol.htm about cults. Your boyfriend thinks he is just doing what the Bible says. The reality is that the structure of the Watchtower Society is high control, going well beyond what the Bible says.

    The major indicators of a cult are that they

    > contain a hierarchical leadership that demands strict obedience

    >claim to be the only ones teaching absolute truth

    >punishe dissenters by strict shunning

    This means is that a Witness motivation is fear and guilt, which are emotionally damaging and manipulative.

    It is possible to have a relationship with a JW, but it will be very, very difficult. If he really loves you he should be prepared to at least read some alternative points of view, though he is likely to say that anything written against the JWs is 'apostate'. The way he reacts to any anti Witness information may be a good indication of what your future toghther will be like.

  • Quandry

    Thinking about all the crap I have gone through really makes me feel like a total idiot. I must have issues of my own to be willing to deal with this. But I love this guy and want so badly to help him.

    You sound like a lovely person. But like all females, we have been conditioned to "serve." You feel that you want to "help him." You would have to sacrifice everything you believe in and want for your future in order to do this. Unconditionally. There is no middle ground with witnesses. Once you are "in" and baptized, which he would insist upon before he could marry you, you would be expected to follow every minute principle set out by the Watchtower Society, and by your husband, since he believes so strongly in women following his headship. Already two women could not measure up, so obviously his standards must be pretty rigorous. Can you spell misery? Divorce down the line when you can't take anymore? Only then, when you couldn't measure up, you would be probably counseled by elders in a back room. At this point, if you divorce, they could disfellowship you, and you would be shunned by everyone you had made friends with, as well as being made to feel it is all your fault. This is, of course, after you had estranged yourself from your own family because they are "worldly" and no longer were good association for you, and your new husband would of course see to it that your association with them was limited.

    This all adds up to this man getting what he wants on his own terms. When he does not get his way, it is the fault of the woman. She doesn't measure up. You don't seem to have any input that is valid. This is not a give and take relationship, nor are any compromises acceptable. It's his way only.

    Please study some of the history of this organization on the freeminds website. Then you will be equiped to discuss things with him.

    Wish you the best.

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