TIME FOR ANOTHER LAUGH!

by Dansk 32 Replies latest social humour

  • Dansk
    Dansk

    Feel free to post your jokes here!

    A man sees a sign in front of a house in Luton: 'Talking Dog for Sale.' He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden. The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Sure do.' the dog replies. 'So, what's your story?', the man asks. The dog looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.' 'The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals. Had a wife, a few puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, 'Ten pounds.' The man says, 'This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' The owner says, 'He's gotta go, he's a liar. He's never done any of that stuff!' Ian

  • Gill
    Gill

    Morning, Dansk!!

  • KAYTEE
    KAYTEE

    Hello Ian,

    I like it.

    How's everything,

    Love to you and family

    KT

  • Dansk
    Dansk

    Good morning!

    Everything is fine, thank you. However, there's always time for a laugh!

    Love,

    Ian

  • Dansk
    Dansk

    The ladies should like this one:

    Subject: Mummy Test

    A mother was out walking with her 4-year-old daughter. The little girl picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. The mother immediately took the item away from her and asked her not to do that. "Why?" the daughter asked. "Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" the mother replied. At this point, the daughter looked up at her mother with total admiration and asked, "Mummy, how do you know all this stuff?"

    "Uh," the mother started to think quickly. "All mums know this stuff. It's on the Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mummy." The couple then walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but the little girl was evidently pondering this new information. "OH... I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

    "Exactly" replied the mother a big smile on her face!

    Ian

  • Sad emo
    Sad emo

    Good jokes Ian, keep 'em coming!

    Here's one that the blokes will like now:

    Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them. The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible."

    The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God."

    "She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"

    "Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."

  • OUTLAW
    OUTLAW

    (((Ian)))..Good morning from the Great White North!!..Just sitting here drinking my tea,when I came upon your thread..Loved the dog joke!..LOL!!..We got snow here up,to my waist.I`m taller than you so it would be up to your chest..LOL!!..Nice to see you on the board...OUTLAW

  • bebu
    bebu

    Loved the dog joke, esp.

    Hey Ian, nice to see you here. Hope you're feeling well!!!!

    bebu

  • Clam
    Clam

    G'day Ian - here's one. . .

    A store that sells new husbands has just opened where a woman can go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    "You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as
    the shopper ascends the flights.

    There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

    - So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
    On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
    The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
    The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

    "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the
    housework.
    "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
    FOR THE MEN
    - A new wives store opened across the street.
    - The first floor has wives that love sex.
    - The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
    - The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

  • crazyblondeb
    crazyblondeb

    I need one of those men to come clean up the coffee I just spewed!!

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