Any tips on successfully fading?

by unhappy 30 Replies latest jw friends

  • unhappy

    Thanks Jeff, I think you're right about that. I think I will wait maybe another six months or so then plan my escape (move). Thanks for all the adivce.

  • unhappy


  • drew sagan
    drew sagan

    Sometimes we can worry about things more than is necessary. Think about it.

    I know two people who just stopped going, cold turkey. They are an older couple, the husband was an Elder. They had some trouble with other Elders and stuff and just decided to stop going.

    Well, eventually the Elders came around and tried to 'encourage'. The wife just told them to leave, saying that she wasn't interested in what they had to say and that they would appreciate it is the did not come back. Pretty strong words, but they never came back. That was it. She gave them no reasons for why she didn't want bothered by it, just told them to leave.

    The most important thing about a fade is that you must not give them any reasons to come bother you. This includes not spending time with active JWs. If they think an inactive one is influencing someone 'in the flock' they will go after you.

    Good luck on whatever you decide to do!


  • Honesty
    I read that you are having some major surgery soon. That is your ticket out. Let them know how bad it will be and the help you will need After the surgery, you must become a very needy person, all kinds of help- meals delivered, shopping, cleaning , errands, etc.-- to the point that they dread getting a phone call. Witnesses hate taking care of others- they want everyone to be like an Alaskan sled dog. Pull your load like everyone else and , IF you get too weak/sick to do it, they cut your harness and leave you by the side of the trail. If you can get them sick of the new "needy" you, they will be happy to see you fade. Anytime one of them calls have a list of things you need done by them. I guarantee the calls/visits will stop. moshe

    This will work like a charm on those self-centered pioneers and elders.

  • SB

    what kind of surgery are you having? will you be laid up in the house for a while? if so, you might want to put off fading until after, so that the congregation can take care of you. :) they love to do that sort of stuff, you might get some yummy free meals. :) go to a meeting, and be really concerned about how you're going to cook and clean while you're healing. they will run to your aide! (if they are a good congregation they will). my old cong. would set up meal rotation schedules.

    and AFTER that, fade slowly, but don't take too long to fade. What I'm finding, is that the more confident i become in my choice to leave this destructive organization, the more irritated i become when i try to hide and lie to them. i feel like it's letting them control my emotions, and that is exactly what i'm trying to escape. so fade at first, but build up your courage too. collect, in writing , all the solid facts that led you to your decision, so when it gets to the point where you might have to explain your stand to close friends and family, you can say, "you are welcome to read over what i have discovered to be true, but I'm not going to argue scripture with you".

    but that's a ways away. my advice, after all that: don't put yourself in a bad situation before surgery, then fade slowly taking the advice of everyone here, but rememer to stay confident in your decision.

    best of luck!


  • choosing life
    choosing life

    Using poor health has worked well for me for 18 months now. It is of coarse true. I think they wonder why I don't listen to the phone hook-ups, though. I told one elder who surprised me in the yard that my health issues were depressing me so much that I didn't care about listening and couldn't concentrate. That is also true-the meetings always depress me.

    I also refuse to answer the phone or door to any witnesses, period. Once you go there, things just get more complicated. The hardest part is having family still in-it can get really tricky. I have told them that with all the health problems I have, I just don't care about much anymore.

    The worst thing with fading is you can't outwardly do as you please. No Christmas decorations,etc. Makes you feel like you are still being controlled by them. I hate that.

  • PoppyR

    From one who knows.. it's a long slow process, and you never really know you've been sucessful. For example, although I've been out and clean for over a year now I daren't put up Christmas lights because that's an obvious 'up yours' to the Jws.

    I think relocation is the perfect solution, but we cant all do that. It's just slowly and softly, drift away. Never confront, never say you dont believe or have doubts. You should find in a year or so it's mostly over.

    Also it's something to bear in mind that JWs that you consider your friends aren't genuine. It's a tough lesson I've had to learn, but they would walk past you in the street if you were DFd.. A very important aid to fade is to make sure you have a network of friends who are not JWs. You will find in times of need they are the ones you can truly rely on. It's scary, I know!! But so worth it.

    Thinking about you


  • unhappy

    Thanks everyone for all your advice, it's been really good to get info on how others have managed fading. I've got my app for my op now, its going to be in jan, so that should make it easier to just not come back afterwards. The dubs at the kh don't really visit anyone even when they're sick so im not really expecting any support really.

  • free2beme

    Change your number, do not share the new number with people, unless you have too. (When changing number with phone company, ask to be NON PUBLISHED and ask to have your number blocked from showing up on Caller ID). Get caller ID, by the way. Do not answer calls from people who do not show up and do away with that Answeing Machine for awhile.

  • sass_my_frass

    Good hints all. Take care of yourself too; pull out of friendships with people you know would turn their back on you if they thought you were going to be a bad influence on them (which, by the way, isn't actually a friendship). The people you love; start thinking about how you'll deal with them. Who do you want to keep? Make them adore you. Make it torture to them to cut you off. Take up some new interests to keep your mind off things when they get bad, and meet new people. Consider the likelihood that your fade won't work for some reason; you might get sick of the constant effort required, or some dumb sheep might bleat on you.

    What WAS supposed to be so special about being a sheep anyway? Sheep are brainless grass metabolisers who think as far ahead as the carcass in front of them showing them the way.


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