Ladione5000,
Good questions!
When one first starts having doubts one's mind can be in turmoil. Fear abounds because one feels one is being watched by Jehovah all the time and that he is going to be angry for our even contemplating that his only blessed organisation on earth is being questioned by a mere mortal.
Where does one go? I can't even tell my wife or a clsoe friend - because they're JWs and may well report me to the elders "because it's the loving thing to do and they want me saved from Satan's clutches!"
Anyone who leaves the organisation today has my utmost respect. Anyone who left prior to the internet has double that respect! Why? Because when I started to question in my own mind the internet revealed to me that I wasn't alone! There were literally thousands of people out there from all over the world and from all walks of life who could genuinely empathise with me - and I them!
So fearful was I that even going on the internet had me looking over my shoulder. I would find an apostate site, read a paragraph or two and then get off quickly. My mind kept saying things like "The society has warned us about Satan's cunningness and how he uses such sites to draw us away from Jehobah's loving organisation!". However, every time something at the kingdom hall upset me - such as a patronising comment from a pompous elder - I would come home and switch my computer on. Reading more paragraphs on apostate sites became easier to do.
I remember going on Amazon and coming across Ray Franz's book Crisis of Conscience. The advertising said: "The book Jehovah's Witnesses don't want you to read." I quickly Googled Ray Franz and found a Time magazine article about hime. He'd been a member of the GB. Why would this idiot throw everlasting life away? What a moron, I thought!
I came off the internet again thinking I'd done wrong, but telling no one - all the while performing my privileged MS duties and going out in the field misery every weekend.
Back to the Amazon page and Ray Franz's book had some pages that could be read on line. I started to read and got hooked - but the damn pages ran out just when things were getting interesting!
ISP, a poster here who was in my congregation and who had exited about a year earlier with his wife and young children, lived around two miles from my home. I telephoned him and asked him how I could get out. ISP didn't trust me (I could tell by his tone of voice) but he asked me to go round. I drove round that very night, had a wonderful chat with him and his wife Latte (who also posts here) and was given a copy of Franz's book to read. The rest is history!
ISP told me to join JWD as it was, he said, the best site for XJWs. I logged onto the site and quickly logged off again. The very first post I had opened contained nothing but profanities. The Watchtower was right, I thought. When people leave they become bitter and twisted and resort to profanities and lewd behaviour.
I told ISP and he convinced me to try again. He said sometimes people vent because they are in pain. He was right! The next post I opened was pleasant and I could identfy. I read more and the rest is history.
I learnt a valuable lesson, though. Whenever possible, I try not to use profanities - because that post could be the first a lurker comes across and it could well shy him/her away from this wonderful lifeline of a site!
The internet has been priceless in my being able to exit from a mind-controlling heinous cult. From coming here I've also perused Randy's great site at Freeminds! Coming here has brought me friendships I would never have had in my wildest dreams. My family and I (bar one) are truly living! We are absolutely free of any fear!! We have also had the privilege of meeting many JWD posters.
I can't say for sure if I would still have been a JW had the internet not been around. Probably not - but teh exit would have taken longer and would likely have been a lot more painful (I would have had no information, which I downloaded, to show my wife and convince her to exit, too).
Here's to the internet Our greatest weapon against Watchtower - and they jolly well know it!
Ian
