JW restrictions on sex, lead to over hype that made sex disappointing.

by free2beme 65 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  restrangled

  Growing up a witness and especially during the 70's the subject of sex was in every other study article, talk etc....so if you weren't wondering/thinking about it you were reminded at every meeting. Then there were the excrutiating articles about details even married people were not suppose to be doing.

  Dating was also a guilt trip for most, and by god if you started with someone it was assumed you were going to marry that person whether you wanted to or not.

  My first experience was a real let down for me. The guy was not a witness and I had been secretly seeing him for over a year. After it happened I slowly lost interest in him. I then met a witness guy (he was age 22 and I was still 16) that I didn't particularly like but was desperate for companionship. Dated him once, confided about my past boyfriend and he immediately insisted upon services from me or he would turn me into his elders and the ones in my hall. Its called date rape and blackmail. It didn't go on too long cause I detested him. When I cut him off he turned me in.(I was DF'd) and then it was reversed. Those were my two big experiences before I left home at age 17 and 1/2 and got out of dubdumb land.

  There were many around me who married way too soon. One girl of a prominant JW family married at age 16. No one even questioned it. I don't know what happened to that couple.

  My dad was an elder during this time and every Thursday night there was some young couple in the back room with sex problems. Either they were doing stuff the WT said no to, or one couldn't stand the other in the bedroom.

  r.
• 

  Kudra

  (((((((r)))))))) sorry that had to happen to you. :(
  
  It just makes me so glad I never went through that as I was extremely awkward around guys ("brothers") and besides, they weren't too interested in a scrawny straggly bespectacled girl with braces and zits!
  
  :) thanks god!
• 

  katiekitten

  If you don't believe me, I will let her testify for me

  Sigh. Of course I believe you. I just thought I had left behind the conversations that went "I did it for 6 hours" when I moved into my 20's.

  If you're a Witness you technically can sex the minute you're engaged. Since you have made a promise that should not be broken

  With all respect, thats cobblers. You have to go through a marriage ceremony like Adam and Eve did with god saying 'you are man and wife'. blah blah blah.

  Certainly its true that when you get engaged you are making a promise. In fact you used to be able to sue in law on that promise if it was broken. But you cant any more, and even JW's would not hold someone irrevocably to the promise made in engagement in the way they would hold you to the promise you make in mariage. Marriage is a binding ceremony infront of god (or a civil registrar). Engagement is a promise to each other that you will get married.
• 

  Kudra

  Back when Jesus was around on earth didn't folks automatically count as married when they decided to have sex?
  
  Like when you went home with him/her it was like an announcement to all that you were together forever...?
  
  -K
• 

  Seeker4

  I was 20 when I got married, my wife was 18. That was pretty common for Witness kids then. I had a 22 year old buddy who married a 16 year old. Just when we should have been getting rolling in college, we had made a major committment in marriage. By the time we should have been just starting our careers, we had kids already.

  The sex was great, for the most part, with the usual hangups associated with guilt about oral sex, game playing, etc. Having had sex now with some women who weren't raised JW, at least from my experience, some are far more adventerous and inventive, having missed the Witness guilt pedaling and sex rules designed by a bunch of bachelors with a Victorian-era mindset.

  S4
• 

  daniel-p

  Actually there is a little technicality that most people do not realize..

  If you're a Witness you technically can sex the minute you're engaged. Since you have made a promise that should not be broken

  If you actually believe that then you must have never experienced this scenario in JW land. Oh, and glad to hear your'e such a manly virile beast and can satisfy your woman. HI FIVE!!!
• 

  free2beme

  Dating was also a guilt trip for most, and by god if you started with someone it was assumed you were going to marry that person whether you wanted to or not.

  This comment just struck a cord with me for some reason and I have to explain. I remember dating this one person in the neighboring congregation once, and we talked on the phone a few time and went to some get togethers. One time we went to a movie and met up there, did not drive together as that was a "no no" and were pretty well behaved, held hands and one small kiss. Well, suddenly I had elders asking me if I intended to marry this person. I explained that we were just getting to know each other, and it was far to early to think marriage was going to happen. After all, marriage was something that required a lot more of getting to know each other, then some phone calls, a couple get togethers and one movie. They scorned me big time. Said I should not even date someone if I did not think I would marry them at some point, talked about how there is no casual dating, no playing around, etc. Pissed me off then, and pisses me off more now, when I remember it. It was like, you can not accept a date with anyone, unless you can meet them that first time and know, "this is the person I want to marry." Give me a break. I know people who have dated for months, years and so on, who still have no clue who they are with. I also saw this with Witnesses, who did this stupid elder advice and ended up with losers, abusers, and worse. You can not rush getting to know someone. I admit though, the person I ended up marrying, in typical Witness fashion, was a short time from meeting them to marrying them .... I got lucky though, does not work more then it does.
• 

  katiekitten

  It was WAY too heavy wasnt it.

  Well, suddenly I had elders asking me if I intended to marry this person.

  I had that too. I went ice skating with a boy (oh and about 16 other JW's). He really liked me and he phoned me nearly every night. After a while his dad who was an elder came round and asked me what my intentions were towards his son. I was 16!!!
• 

  Oroborus21

  Free,

  the whole approach to dating, sex and marriage among Jehovah's Witnesses is a pretty unrealistic one and many times a disastrous one so I fully agree with you on much of what you say. I only wanted to mention that I think that the problem of disappointment due to building up high expectations is not a problem localized among JWs, it is a common problem in our society.

  Our society is permeated with love and sex messages and themes. It is a facet of every single media and the messages start very early. One might be justified in saying that our whole society overemphases sex, or pehaps, does a poor job of emphasizing and delineating the different aspects of sex - Sex as intimacy, sex as pleasure, sex as control, etc. and helping us to understand when we should expect these and how we can facilitate these.

  The result is that for many people, whether JW or not, their first or even their first few sexual relationships are disappointng, unfulfilling and maybe unhealthy.

  True, due to the JW's culture, I think I would agree that it would probably be the case, if studied, that a higher percentage of JWs are disastisfied than the general population. And I would point out that what should be included in the problem are other non-sexual cultural aspects such as the atmosphere of negativity and the constant messages of failure and badgering. It is hard to expect a couple to go home after a Thursday night meeting, where most of what they heard is that they "need to do more in service" (with its implicit negative message that they are not doing enough) and feel good about themselves and their partner. As everyone knows, no good sex can happen if the persons don't first feel confident and somewhat happy with their own life and how it is going and with their attitudes towards their partner.

  The other thing that I will mention, however, is that when it comes to sex as intimacy (and not just for pure pleasure); few couples who aren't married or at least completely committed to each other really experience sex in its ultimate form. I submit that it is only when a person is absolutely certain that they are going to spend the rest of their lives with this person, can they really experience sex in its highest intimate form. Even many married persons, due to problems or uncertainties about the marriage, are not able to enjoy sex at this level. Much less can single persons or persons who are not committed to each other experience the true nature of this kind of sex. So there is something to be said for sex within a committed relationship -even more than that - between people who KNOW they are going to be together till death.

  -Eduardo
• 

  Highlander

  A young man I knew well at the time, mentioned after his honeymoon, that he could take it or leave it. Later he explained, that his bride was so hung up in guilt over the act, that it was often an awkward and less then exciting experience.

  I've had many sexual encounters with non-jdubs. For me it was always a great time, never had any bad sex. Later in life I married a j-dub. The sex is horrible. I can also take it

  or leave it.