Have You Been Divorced, Or Getting A Divorce?

by Outaservice 40 Replies latest jw friends

  • Outaservice

    Divorce is much more common in the Jehovah's Witness community than they would like to admit. Probably more so than the population in general in my opinion.

    If you have been divorced, do you think that the Watchtower Society contributed to the divorce, or caused it, or is it just possible you married some jerk or abuser and divorce would have occured no matter what religion you were, or even if you had no religion?

    Possibly you got married way too young as the end was coming and there is no marriage in the resurrection if you died. Possibly you were worried that you might commit fornication and be disfellowshipped if you did not marry right away.

    Would you take your spouse back if the JW's were not in the picture? (That is provided you are not remarried)

    Outaservice (who is very happy with his present ex-Special Pioneer, ex-JW wife)

  • earthtone

    I'm divorced. I think we got married way to young. I never would have married him if I hadn't been given an ultimatum from him and guilted into marry him because we had committed fornication. We were 19, Df'd and I thought that we could make things right by getting married and serving Jehovah together. Instead. As soon as we got reinstated. He stop going to all the meetings. At the time I wanted a spirtual minded brother. When I told him that this bothered me (him not attending meeting) he promised he would go and never did. He started lying about how much he made at his job and our finances in general. Spent half his check on computer equipment while I worked almost 30 hours a week and went to school fulltime 40hrs.

    Then because he lied about how much he made ( I think 6.50 an hour) he had to work crazy overtime. We just grew apart from not seeing each other and we barely had sex ( maybe once a month, then every couple months, then 4, 5 months) I was just sick of him. We didn't even have Jehovah to keep us together and I was never really in love with him. Then a year into things he tries to flip the script and become "the man" in the house and tell me what to do. Cook this, clean that. WTF!. And on top of all that he had horrible hygiene problems. Can you sh*tty drawers? I didn't even want him to touch me.

    So yeah the WTS contributed to this travesty of a marriage. I never would have gotten married that young if it wasn't for me thinking this was the best thing to do, so I wouldn't to be committing fornication. And in the end I committed adultry( but we were way past over with but not legally seperated).

    EDITED: To say I don't regret it at all. I probably could have worked harder to make it work, but I didn't. The best thing that every happened to me was when I woke up and said I can't do it anymore. And didn't. Not saying it was all his fault either. I really justed didn't want him anymore and I don't think I ever really did. I was young and stupid and thought his love for me would be enough (low self-esteem) .

  • jwcol

    I just had this conversation with someone.

    Yes, I've been divorced, unfortunately. I think there are two reasons that divorce is so high in the Org...just as high as in the world.

    First, people have the attitude that "you CAN'T leave me, therefore, I can do whatever I want and treat you as badly as I want." Some people treat their spouses worse than they would than if they were in the world.

    Secondly, if there are problems, the goal is to blame ONE PERSON for all of the problems. It's identified as either the wife's OR the husband's fault. In many cases, there is a judgement before speaking to both parties (in my case) and then a deliberate effort to have the "innocent" spouse end the marriage without having all of the information.

    I wonder how many marriages have failed needlessly. I'm not blaming the Society. I just think the percentages speak for themselves and simply blaming it all on Satan isn't realistic.

  • sspo

    Yes, my wife just left me for "spiritual endangermnt" or apostasy after 27 years of marriage because i started speaking about things i learned from you guys.

    I should have kept my mouth shut and done it differently.

    Did the Watchtower screw it up for me? I have to say yes, the GB came before everything else, even though i was an elder for many years it seems we were always unevenly yoked, always pulling a watchtower out and counseling me, taking me to the elders for stupid things.

    Would I marry her again? i think i would if the GB was not in our marriage.

    I don't think there is more divorce in the JW, if 1 out 2 in the world are getting divorced i don't think it's so high among JW's.

  • okie46

    yes, divorced 4 times, each time a story, I will tell you after I get done with dinner.

  • earthtone

    4 times? I'm waiting....

  • ferret

    I also married too young because the end was just around the corner, and no marriage after the big A. Second marriage much better and has lasted over 20 years

  • Seeker4

    Yes. Divorced last year after a 33 year marriage. And a very good marriage for the most part.

    But I also think we got married way too young - the Witness way! She was 18, I was 20. Three kids in the next few years. Limited education, so money was often a struggle.

    After I left the Witnesses we still did pretty well, but I was discontent in a lot of ways. I'd lost my desire for her, and I wanted a lot of the experiences I'd never had because of being a JW since childhood. I ended up getting involved with another woman. We tried working that out, and thought we had, but not so.

    I carry a lot of guilt and I struggle with trying to find happiness again. I do pretty well, and I've really tried to stay friends with my ex, as I still consider her a terrific woman and I hope she finds a man who treats her as she deserves - better than I did in certain areas. I'm in a good relationship - when I can keep the guilt at bay, which is not all the time.


  • okie46

    okay. This is LONG and very embarrassing to tell, but here it is. I have been married and divorced 4 times, 3 of my husbands were JW's.

    Husband 1: A witness, met him when I was 14 and he was 16, he had already left home and I had just moved to a new town. We dated in a group setting, I got baptised at 15 because if I didn't the brothers and his parents said we couldn't date anymore. At 16, I married him and then finished high school. My home life was very stressful and he and I wanted to start our own lives. He was very controlling and emotionally abusive, and had even hit me a couple of times before we married. I never told anyone, my home life as a child was controlling and abusive and I didn't know any different way of living. He is the father of my children, when I was 25, I was a lonely, tied down young mom, with 3 kids under 7 years, I fell under the spell of an older brother in our cong. who considered naive, young women like myself fair game. My husband sometimes worked many, many long days and many times never came home before 10 at night, unless it was meeting night. As I had grown up, I had started wondering about alot of different things and this caused friction with my husband. He was a good father and a good man, but could be emotionally cruel (he never hit me after the children were born). I was stupid enough to have an affair with this predator in the congregation (who was on his way out). In fact, he was so proud of himself, when I put a stop to seeing him, he called the elders and proudly proclaiming he had been having sex with one of their precious little sisters (by then he was df'd). When my husband found out, I had already stopped seeing that man, the elders told my husband that if we were going to stay together, they wouldn't disfellowship me, but if we weren't, then they were going to disfellowship me (this was before my judicial committee even met with me). My husband and I were unable to resolve our problems afterwards and divorced. He dropped out of the children's lives when he remarried, the day our divorce was final. He is now an elder also. I was reinstated within the year. I blame myself for what happened, because there is no excuse for adultery, no matter how unhappy you are. I blame the society also because I believe if we had went to marriage counseling, we may have been able to have a better marriage but were counseled against seeing worldly counselors.

    Husband 2: A witness, introduced to him by witness family members who knew he was an alcoholic, wife beater who had been accused of being too familiar with his own daughters and other young girls in the congregation. Of course, none of this was made known to me. We married, too soon, after 6 - 8 weeks of dating. I left him 6 months to the day, after putting up with his drunken screaming fests at me, being told that he didn't understand why you can discipline your kids but not your wife, telling him repeatedly to quit kissing my daughter on the neck and then finding out that he was scaring her to death in the mornings after I left for work, so much so that she locked herself in her room until time to go to school. He then stalked me afterwards for four years. I eventually committed fornication with a co-worker and he was free to remarry, I was publically reproved. He was finally disfellowshipped for slandering me for printing out fliers about me and distributing them to people at the hall. Has since been reinstated.

    Husband 3: A witness, I moved to a new city and introduced by a friend of a friend at the hall. Dated 4 months, he was slovenly pig, had no libido, couldn't hold a job and had split personality. Finally left after 5 years because I got tired of being threatened with having my head cut off while I slept or being told that he hated me and wished he had never married me. I hated to be divorced again but refused to put up anymore with his crap. This was also at the point I stopped attending meetings and left the organization. Found out after I left him that he had a secret Post Office Box in another city, I wonder why? Box number was 666.

    Husband 4: Not a witness, a long distance relationship and dated almost 8 months. He turned out to be the biggest con man I have ever met, I thought he was my soul mate. I wanted to live together but he said he didn't want to disrespect me. So instead I move across the country to marry him, found out he was a big liar, he changed the moment we married, turned out to be the meanest, person. Turns out he was bi-polar schizophrenic and never stopped dating other women even after we married. Married 3 months. I moved out after he spent another night ranting and screaming about the house except that time with a butcher knife, he filed for divorce next day because he said it was evident to him I would end up dead if I stayed married to him.

    SO, why did I marry all these guys??? I was trying to do '"the right thing'", you know you are not supposed to sleep with a man if you are not married to him. Now, I would never marry again without spending much time with someone, and yes I would test drive first.

    The first marriage, I wrecked myself, my own stupid curiosity and weakness allowed me to do something that not only hurt myself but also my children and husband, I have much difficulty forgiving myself for this and probably never will. He is the one I miss so much, we did have good things together and could have worked it out. What I did was terrible. The others, a combination of loneliness and stupidity and being so naive and trusting. I still believe that marriage can work, but witnesses rush into marriage too soon because they don't want to commit fornication. As a result, many people marry who are not well suited for marriage or for each other. The pressure to not consult marriage counselors when there are problems also add to divorce rate. The admonition that you can only be free to remarry if there is a death of a marriage mate or adultery, raises the adultery rate, some people feel trapped and feel adultery is their only way out of a bad marriage. Being inexperienced and naive and too trusting also leads to bad matches in marriage for people who were raised as JW's with no outside influence. The results of all of my marriages and divorces, has been extremely painful and it takes alot of struggling to regain your bearings, the effect on children can be even more painful. Fortunately, my children are all amazingly well-adjusted adults, even though they had to deal with my poor choices in judgement, they have done very well. They have been grown and away from home for some time now, but it is still hard for them to know that I still am in such pain over everything. I believe for the most part they have forgiven me, I hope so. That I caused them pain is the hardest to deal with.

    So a combination of the poor counsel of the GB and society and my own human weaknesses and poor choices are what I blame. I was also put under a lot of pressure when I left what I considered were abusive situations, the elders didn't approve of my reasons for leaving. But how are you to know, when you never have real life experience?

  • jwfacts

    Now that I am out JWs have been more open with me about what they got up to. It is interesting to find that many do commit fornication which then makes them feel obligated to get married in order to not get disfellowshipped, even though they know the person is not the right one.

    I recently found out from a friend who was a pioneer, and her boyfriend was a MS that they committed fornication and so got married, but never told the elders about the fornication. They have since divorced and to this day he is still an MS.

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