My mom calls to chew me out about my college... YIKES!!!

by FreedomFrog 36 Replies latest jw friends

  • smellsgood

    ugh. Jah didn't give you a mind so you could use it silly!
    You know, wasn't Paul a highly educated person? Unfortunately, the Bible also says that man eats by the "sweat of his brow." In other words, you gotta work to eat. pfft. And thankfully there are many pursuits that you can feed yourself and maybe have some spare change for orphans or whatever that aren't heavy manual labor.
    What is "murmuring" the Watchtowers new pet expression? I guess they are trying to convey something sinister when someone is "murmuring" about something. "murmurs against Jehovah's earthly organization." Beware the murmurs.


  • outnfree

    I'm with LovesDubs (hi, LovesDubs!) -- Your mother does NOT have to say what's on her mind. She can certainly respect your boundaries.

    Meantime -- CONGRATULATIONS on your good grades and taking the initiative to go to college to make a future for yourself and your family. I went back in 2001 and slowly, but surely, will have my Bachelor's degree in 2008. I, too, have gone through a recent divorce and I'm glad that I was already working part-time on a degree when I found out the bugger was cheating on me. Doesn't getting public affirmation that you have a brain inside your head make you feel wonderful?!? You go, FreedomFrog girl!


  • apostawriter

    Froggy, ranting is what this site is for.

    I'm disassociated, and for several years, my mom gives me little care packages of food and clothing, and without fail there's a magazine or JW book and an inscription on the inside cover to read it. So I say thank-you, take the book, and put it on my shelf. (It's getting heavier.)

    Now the interesting thing is that she's doing it less and less, and I haven't gotten anything in several months. Is this being passive-aggressive on my part? Probably. But maybe that's necessary when you can't have a rational conversation with someone.

    Disassociation might work--she might not talk to you. But I don't know if you should disassociate yourself ONLY as a way of dealing with your mom's pestering. You likely have other reasons, of course...


    author of Tattoo This Madness In

  • parakeet

    ***Most of the time it’s because I can ignore her little cramming in a bit of preaching now and again.***
    I've been "ignoring" my JW mom's little digs for 25+ years, so I know how irritating it can be.
    More than 30 years ago, when I married a nonJW, she told me I was making a huge mistake. My husband and I are still happily married.
    When I left the JWs, after being in the org for 14 years, she told me I "never really gave it a chance."
    When I told her I was going to college, she told me I'd never finish. Now I have a bachelor's and a master's degree.
    When my adult son moved in with his girlfriend, she told me I never taught him properly. Now he's happily married to the girlfriend.
    Follow your own path, FF. No one else should control the direction of your life.

  • sass_my_frass

    Hey girl. I'm not going to encourage anybody to take the action that leads to losing their family because in my case it only replaced one world of pain with another. Think long and hard about how bad it is to hear from them, versus how bad it would be to never hear from them and to be so severely judged and spurned by them instead, with the added bonus; the guilt they make you feel when they blame all of their misery on your choices.

    Actually, I've realised that they were never really family if their love was so conditional, so I didn't really lose anything valuable anyway. Still, abandonment hurts a lot. If you decide that you need to do it, first prepare yourself by having around you some reliable people you can call on anytime for the backup you're going to need.

  • blondie

    FF, outnfree had some good information. Having been there myself, it is hard to learn to set boundaries. We certainly did not learn the tools at the KH. I grew up in an alcoholic family and was always rescuing, enabling, and being the family hero. I did not take care of my needs and felt it was my Christian obligation to take care of everyone else in my family. My perception is that your mother does not respect your abilities to be a good parent nor that you are an adult yourself. It is hard but try changing the subject when she starts telling you how to live your life. Let her know in as firm but polite what that you will not listen to that type of talk. It will not happen overnight and it may never change; but you will have tried. You are not obligated to listen to verbal abuse. What would you do if you mother walked up and slapped you in the face? Aren't some of the things she says just like a slap in the face? No need to be mean back, but it is perfectly normal and sane to protect yourself. Remember too that your mother will use similar techniques on your children (for their own good of course.)

    Characteristics of Verbal Abuse

    1. Verbal abuse is hurtful and usually attacks the nature and abilities of the partner. Over time, the partner may begin to believe that there is something wrong with her or her abilities. She may come to feel that she is the problem, rather than her partner.

    2. Verbal abuse may be overt (through angry outbursts and name- calling) or covert (involving very subtle comments, even something that approaches brainwashing). Overt verbal abuse is usually blaming and accusatory, and consequently confusing to the partner. Covert verbal abuse, which is hidden aggression, is even more confusing to the partner. Its aim is to control her without her knowing.

    3. Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling. Even disparaging comments may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way. But the goal is to control and manipulate.

    4. Verbal abuse is insidious. The partner's self-esteem gradually diminishes, usually without her realizing it. She may consciously or unconsciously try to change her behavior so as not to upset the abuser.

    5. Verbal abuse is unpredictable. In fact, unpredictability is one of the most significant characteristics of verbal abuse. The partner is stunned, shocked, and thrown off balance by her mate's sarcasm, angry jab, put-down, or hurtful comment.

    6. Verbal abuse is not a side issue. It is the issue in the relationship. When a couple is having an argument about a real issue, the issue can be resolved. In a verbally abusive relationship, there is no specific conflict. The issue is the abuse, and this issue is not resolved. There is no closure.

    7. Verbal abuse expresses a double message. There is incongruence between the way the abuser speaks and his real feelings. For example, he may sound very sincere and honest while he is telling his partner what is wrong with her.

    8. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety. The verbal abuse may begin with put-downs disguised as jokes. Later other forms might surface. Sometimes the verbal abuse may escalate into physical abuse, starting with "accidental" shoves, pushes, and bumps.

    I would suggest finding some books on boundaries and verbal abuse. There are so many I find it hard to narrow it down. Maybe someone on JWD like Lady Lee can guide you.

    Love, Blondie

  • FreedomFrog
    she told me I "never really gave it a chance."

    When I told her I was going to college, she told me I'd never finish.

    Believe me, I've heard those exact same words on a regular basis. It really annoys me that she blames all my problems on "leaving Jah". I mean, I can have a flat tire tomorrow and if she finds out... it's because "I left Jah"... it's never, "well that's life".

    I think she came on a bit stronger today because of their talk today about not murmering and not asking for "more and more". She feels I'm asking too much because I'm wanting to get the additional education for the additional money. Her words to me was "your brother is working for lawn care and he's not going to college... he's going to pioneer...and he's doing ok"... YEAH, that's cause he doesn't have kids and he still lives with my parents... sheesh! Oh, and he works for 2 elders. Wonder how he would do living on his own with 2 kids to feed and keep clothing on. And I wonder what kind of "job" he'd have if he decided this religion wasn't for him. She told me that in Germany they just baptized over 6,000 people just this past year... she goes on to say "this has to be Jah's org. because people are starting to see that we are in the 'last day's' and that we need to not quit Jah's org." Something about that talk really put her in a panic.

    Anyway, I am still happy about my achievements regardless of what happened today. And it does feel good because I'm doing this for me and the kids.

  • done4good

    I would not DA myself just yet. As was stated, you will likely be exchanging one set of problems for another, that may last much longer, (perhaps permanently). Relatives do tend to calm down after given some time. I don't know how long this has been going on, but try to be the bigger person and gut it out if you can. OTOH, if we are talking about an abusive situation here, you need to draw the line in the sand, and take whatever measures are necessary to stay healthy.


  • FreedomFrog

    I'm not going to DA myself at the moment.... though they treat me as if I'm DA for the most part, only to call and chew me out some reason or another. I think that I will be DF'd soon anyway and I think my parents are starting to panic.

  • Scully

    The funny thing about JWs is that when they are shoving things down your throat like "This is Jah's Org" and "This is The Truth™" etc, they call it "speaking my mind".

    But if you were to "speak your mind" about the UN NGO scandal, the pedophile paradise, or even about the error in chronology about 1914, a JW would call it "apostasy".

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