Should you try and call an old dub friend? What if you did?

by gumby 41 Replies latest jw friends

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  Honesty

  Thoughts...experiences

  
  

  
  

  I once had a good friend. My best friend in the whole wide world. We did everything together. Owned the same type of businesses. Liked the same recreational activities. Had each other's family over all the time. Went on business trips out of town together. Got in all sorts of legal trouble together. It was great.

  Then we both became Jehovah's Witnesses. It couldn't have gotten any better than that. We went to assemblies together. We were in the same Kingdom Hall together. We went out preaching the JW Good News together. Like I said we were the best of friends for almost 30 years.

  One day I discovered I had been duped into believing a load of manure and bailed out of the sinking Watchtower ship of idiots.

  I called my very best friend up a month later.

  I no longer have this very best friend. We no longer do anything together. His friendship is with a cult that is destroying his eternal future.

  He values his friendship with the cult a lot more than he values my frienship because he told me to eff off when I called him.
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  Nathan Natas

  It is a risks-rewards problem.

  There is the risk of rejection, and perhaps some form of condemnation heaped on that as well. If you feel you can handle that sort of maltreatment, then you should give it a shot. How greeat it would be if you were able to connect with an old friend!

  But even if they have gone "X," it doesn't mean you'll be accepted with open arms, because there are so many diffeent ways that an XJW can go; they might be just like your Uncle, with some different kind of litmus test for you to pass.

  Good luck!
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  Mary

  Gumbers said: Well, I wonder if he'd talk a bit? I think he would. I also think a couple other buddies might if I called. I'm thinking of giving it a go. I might get let down. I might get a " I just wish you'd come back to Jehovah/organisation" speech. I doubt they would hang up....I know they wouldn't. Thoughts...experiences

  Each person is different hon. There are some Witnesses who, even though they know you're DF'd, will still talk to you. Others absolutely will not. What I would suggest is that you try emailing them instead. From a Witnesses' point of view, this might be safer. First of all, they have time to think about what their response to you will be, unlike a telephone call where they might be caught of guard and panic. Secondly, even if they wanted talk to you, if their Dub wife is right there, they will probably feel compelled to hang up or just say "I can't talk to you", lest they get in trouble themselves. Plus, a private email gives them anonimity if they're sitting their in their office or study room at home and they might feel a bit more relaxed. Plus, believe it or not, some Dubs don't view emails the same as "talking" with an ex-Dub, thus they can salvage their conscience.

  Several of my friends faded long ago. And although they're on DF'd, they may as well be. Most Dubs will not speak to them if they see them on the street, because my friends have committed the unforgivable sins by celebrating Christmas and birthdays.

  I think it's worth a try. As others here have suggested, some of these friends might be "sitting on the fence" themselves.....one email from you might just be enough to get them out.
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  troubled mind

  I say go for it ! The older we get I think we come to realize how short life is and just want to enjoy what we can . Hopefully your friend will allow himself the pleasure of your company once again . Good luck, hope for the best ,give him a call.
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  Sunnygal41

  Gumby, I told you if you got this thread going, I'd share an update with ya...........when last we left Sunnygal, she had followed through on her wish to call her friend, and had, and had been asked: "Am I supposed to be talking to you, Terri?" Well, that told ME where this friend stood, and I was pretty much satisfied with that............little did I know that I would receive a call back, which I missed, but, when I found the call on my cell phone, I dialed the number.........I was trembling, but, resolved to find out what it was all about.......what's the worst she could say or do, after all, I'm DF'd, so there's nothing more that can happen. Well, it went as expected, but, my feelings about her as a good friend proved true. There was genuine regret in her voice and a pleading note for me to understand that she LOVED JEHOVAH, and had to OBEY HIM. When I did try to answer a couple of comments she made, though, she said she did not want to discuss it. She asked me about trying to come back, and told me she'd welcome me with open arms, but, I told her that I couldn't, and she said, why not, and I clarified what I meant by saying I wouldn't go back, because it was no longer the truth in my eyes, I'd done research and alot of reading and growing and that's when SHE said the "A" word..........that what I had read was probably Apostate literature...........it's sad, but, she's been a JW since the 70's and we all know what the thinking was like back then.......Apostates are worse than demon possessed people in their thinking. After I hung up, I had quite a cry, but, I went to my surrogate mom's house and she hugged me and let me cry. She has family members who are JW's also, so she understands the rigidity in their thinking. I am happy that I did it, though, because that is just one more chapter that can be closed in my heart and mind. After I did it, I felt at first like I did something really stupid...........after all, it's been seven years and in their minds I am pretty much non-existent..........but, now, I realize that my love and caring has never been conditional for those I consider good friends. I told her that her and her husband would always be friends in my mind and heart.......she was taken aback by that because she started to say something and then stopped..........maybe, just maybe something I said, or the tone of my voice, or maybe even the fact that I called out of the blue after so many years will make her stop and think.........how do any of us know what effect an act like this may have...........I'm keeping an open mind and leaving it in the Universe's hands............

  Terri, of the glad I did it, even if it hurt, class
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  Sunnygal41

  He values his friendship with the cult a lot more than he values my frienship because he told me to eff off when I called him.

  OUCH!!! I probably would have said something like: "now, now, (insert name) what would Jehoover think of that kind of talk?" and then hung up on his dumb ass. I'm sorry Honesty, it must have hurt like hell...........(offers her "broad" shoulder for support) LOL.......I can honestly say "been there, done that"!!!

  Terri
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  parakeet

  Wow, Sunnygal, you're a kinder and braver person that I am. When I left, I pretty much "shook the dust from my feet," and never looked back. There were a few I had regrets about leaving behind, but I never followed through to see how they were doing -- I assumed they wouldn't talk to me. May have to rethink that assumption.
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  Sunnygal41

  'keet............I think that it has alot to do with what Troubled Mind said.........I'm going to be 49 in two months...........at this age in my life, the only precious things are human relationships. Besides, I did go through an anger and rebellion stage, and didn't care to call anyone, like you. And, there are some I still don't care to reach out to.

  Terri
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  Calliope

  i'd say you should call him up.

  but don't get your expectations too high so you can be pleasantly surprised if he engages in further communication. and if he doesn't, you won't be overly disappointed.

  and if that doesn't work, i can be an old dub friend if you want and you can call me up anytime. i promise nothing but good times!

  calliopé
• 

  Fleur

  She asked me about trying to come back, and told me she'd welcome me with open arms

  Is that a stock JW phrase these days? If I had a nickel for every time my family used that phrase with me, I'd be wealthier than Bill Gates.

  (((((((((Terri))))))) What you did was really, really brave. I hope that seeing how enslaved she is to the doctrine will help you to get some closure.

  I had two really, really close friends in the Org. closer to me than either of my physically related sisters.

  One is out. She's moved away and I only get to email/call etc...but she's out. For that I am really blessed.

  The other is, by all reports, still in. I think of her all the time. She wrote me the most heartbreaking letter when she heard that I was ending my first marriage (and by extension leaving the Borg). I know she was heartbroken that I "Left Jehovah." I begged her to understand, she was one of one or two people outside my marriage who knew how bad it was.

  She tried to tell me that I was the dearest friend she'd ever had in her life...but I know that she would have had me stay in the abuse to keep 'god's favor'. I know her own father was a hopeless alcoholic and her mother never left him, probably also to "keep god's favor'. I told her that it was either get out or die...and I wrote her a long letter telling her that my divorce changed nothing to me about our friendship and that I would continue to love her and that my door was always open.

  She never replied. that was almost 9 years ago.

  I wonder if she ever thinks of me. I heard that she had a second child, a son. I don't even know his name.

  We were friends from the time were young. I just wish she could see me the way I am now, I was never happy then, and I am happy now...if she could just see and accept that there is a way to be a good and decent person and not be a JW...then maybe we'd have a prayer.

  I keep hoping that someday, she'll look for me. I'm not that hard to find if you know where to look. She's the only person I hold out hope for...I know at this point my family is lost to me in the Borg :(

  I often thought about writing to her. But with the way my ex completely destroyed my reputation when I left...I don't think she'd even read it.

  hugs all around

  essie