You guys have the mirrors papered over? Man that wouldn't get past breakfast here.
If only I'd thought of the inflatable friend.
Best ways to disrupt meetings, assemblies, etc...
by What-A-Coincidence 41 Replies latest jw friends
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Mary
I did this a while ago and some of you may have already seen it, but it certainly runs in with the theme on this thread:
Are you planning on attending this year?? Are you ready to fall asleep by 9:55am when the opening song and prayer are over? Wonder how you'll ever make it to 5 o'clock without falling into a coma? Well fear no more! Below are my annual tips you can put into practice to get you through the day from the moment you park your car illegally, till the time you scurry outta there back to your hotel room for a much needed beer!
1. The first order of the day is getting some strong COFFEE - and I don't mean that watery crap from McDonalds either; I mean the Dark Roast Columbia beans from Starbucks - chew the beans for that extra "buzz" that you'll need fighting the happiest people on earth for a seat.........
2. Getting pissed off trying to get good seats for you and your family? Tired of climbing all those stairs up to the nosebleed section, knowing that one wrong move will send you crashing down a hundred steps to your death? Well fear no more! You can avoid this hassle a couple of ways:
- a) You can "volunteer" for being an "attendent" if you're a male, which means that you get into the auditorium earlier than everyone else. Don't let them fool you with that crap 'no one can save seats till the doors are open.' Believe me, all the attendents get seats before the herd. Once you have your pick of the seats simply fold your volunteer badge up and put it in the contribution box along with some apostate cheques on your way out in search of more coffee beans.
- b) Look the auditorium over carefully and then choose the seats you want. Don't worry if there's already bibles and songbooks on the seats; simply gather them up and take them to the Lost and Found section. Check out the coolers stashed under the seat to see if there's anything worth eating. Take one bite out of all the sandwiches and then put them back exactly how you found them. When the assembly starts and the family shows up and accuses you of taking their seats, look at them in total shock and announce loudly that Ted Jaracz is your uncle and that if they don't leave you alone, you'll have them all disfellowshipped by the next Theocratic Ministry School meeting. Whisper that they can have the seats back for $50.00 each, promising to put it in the contribution box. After they leave, enjoy the rest of the sandwiches and pop.
3. If there are people sitting in the seats in front of you (denying you the right to put your feet up on the seats), make lots of noise, such as chopping loudly on chips, crackers or even better: Crunch a Munch.........smack your lips noisely while opening cans of pop. When they turn around to give you the evil eye, grin at them at say: "No oblo English!" If they don't get the hint, fart a few times and fan it in their direction. Keep this up until they leave in disgust. The minute they do, put their seats up for sale.
4. Tired of looking up all those scriptures telling you that you're not doing enough in God's Organization? The answer is simple: bring a novel to read, placing it inside your bible (either one of the early Harry Potter books or Is Elvis Alive? fit snugly into the bible). Everyone around you will be impressed that your eyes never leave the bible and how totally immersed you are spiritual in things.
5. The afternoon sessions arrive and you're bored out of your mind. You keep hoping the drama will hold your interest, but it's even worse than last years. Bring a straw to your seat along with some peas. You'll have to be sitting close enough to the stage for this one, but start shooting peas through the straws at all the actors in the drama. Watch them lose their cool as they try to continue on as though nothing's happened. Repeat this once they're thru and the main speaker is back on stage telling you what a fine example you just saw! Aim for his head. If he's wearing glasses, he'll wonder what the hell's going on and will probably lose his train of thought and start repeating himself. Start laughing out loud the minute he does. If caught, you will be disfellowshipped on the spot, but take comfort in knowing that you made 20,000 people laugh their asses off.
6. If there's any small kids sitting in front of you, (99.9% chance of this) start making faces at them till they start laughing. Their mothers will probably give them a smack and drag them to the bathroom for another one, but don't worry, they probably wanted to get up anyway. Whisper to you kid that if they start to cry, you'll take them out for an icecream cone. March them out of there in righteous anger when they start crying and then head for the nearest Baskin Robbins.
7. Start smiling and winking at all the attendents "guarding" the speaker (this will only work for women). Hike up your skirt and cross your legs like Sharon Stone did in Basic Instinct. While all the guards are drooling over your legs, your friend is now free to shoot all the peas he wants at the speaker. As the male guards have been totally distracted by your friend, your chances of getting disfellowshipped will be greatly reduced. For those that feel particularly daring, you could fly a paper airplane on to the stage that says "I love Ray Franz". If anyone looks at you, point discreetly at the person sitting next to you and roll your eyes in disgust.
8. For the concluding song, start singing really loud, really off-key and one word ahead of everyone else. This throws everyone around you off, especially if you are singing "Be Glad You Nations". If anyone gives you a dirty look, wink at them and wave as though you were long-lost friends.
9. Go around and try to lock all the doors. Wait till the prayer starts and take full advantage of the fact that everyone's head is bowed and their eyes closed. Walk casually over to the nearest fire alarm checking to make sure that no sneaky bastard is watching you out of squinted eyes. Pull the fire alarm and watch the Christ-like attitude of thousands evaporate before your very eyes when they come across locked doors. Make sure you're standing well out of the way or you'll be trampled to death. When everyone starts to panic, start singing "Nearer My God to Thee" really loud and cross yourself several times. -
penny2
I can't believe it - paper over the mirrors. How ridiculous and demeaning!! That's disgusting. Do they do that in the KH as well? If so, why put mirrors there in the first place?
If they don't cover the mirrors in the mens, the sisters should start going into the mens toilet in large groups until the policy is changed. Start a revolt!!
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Jim_TX
You guys... I'm laughing so hard here... tears in my eyes...
Anyway... iffn ya wanna really screw someone up... during the song, just sing along... loudly... and off by a couple of words. Maybe be slow... then speed up... by a couple.
Be sure to sing loud enough (the word 'bellow' comes to mind) so that people sitting/standing around you cannot hear the music coming from the speakers. They will tend to 'drift' along with you... it tends to really screw things up. heh heh
Regards,
Jim TX
P.S. No - I haven't done this... but remember a loud 'brother' or two who couldn't carry a tune in a bucket - they did this. It is sorta hilarious to remember this... and the havoc it caused.
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Jim_TX
Oh! Oh! I remembered another one!
Remember the 'clappers'? You know... the ones that would clap after every sentence the speaker made? It tends to slow things down a bit.
Sooooo... one could sit in the audience, and clap - loudly - after every sentence the fella at the podium makes. Everyone in the audience - tends to follow 'trends' - and many of them aren't paying attention anyway - so they will clap along with you.
Pretty soon, the entire audience is clapping... but not really at the same time... it's sorta like a 'wave'... weird sounding, iffn ya ever listened to it. Ripples through the audience.
Anyway... do that for about 10 minutes or so... it tends to throw off the speaker... who has to either 'cut' his speech - or run over. heh heh heh
Regards,
Jim TX
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Tea4Two
Gregor, I think Lilly's responce on how to disrupt a talk at the KH or convention was "TONGUE and CHEEK" not to be taken seriously.
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LEC
ARE U GUYS SERIOUS? Why go to the damn meeting to begin with?
May be if I go where no one knows me...I can try this. I recently went to the memorial just b/c my mother was killing over not going after 11 yrs. I just don't think I can't embarrased her like that unless I am alone.
Those things are soooooooooo funny, I remember that women's bathroom were always pack and that's why the decided to put paper in the mirrors, so you pee and get the fuck out, but I guess they had another thing in mind. by the way my mom is beging to go the special talk on 4/30/06 I thought I wanted to go but you guys have made me realized how wrong is to try to make other people happy but yourself, my sister in Indianapolis keeps telling I can be celibate???? what the hell?
She obvioulsy doesn't know how I crave the touch of another woman and the need to have a family and PLEASE don't tell me you are against gay raising children.
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Elsewhere
Afterwards a sister concelled me on my manners. "I can't believe you just raised up and releived yourself." I told her next time I would let HER pull my finger.
lmao!
