Parents' reaction to the baby

by Nosferatu 49 Replies latest jw friends

  • GoingGoingGone

    I'm so sorry your parents reacted like this. And I can so relate.

    My mother is emotionally abusive. I'm a slow learner apparantly, because I kept going back and taking more and more of her crap for 40 years before I got a clue. And she's a JW... I've now DF'd HER One of the best decisions I ever made.

    I feel really bad for my kids, not having grandparents who love them the way they deserve to be loved. But you know what, they have loving parents, and that's more than I ever had. We have to work with what we've got, and this is reality.... The years my kids were in contact with my mother, things happened and were said that I wish I could take back. I don't regret cutting her out of our lives, not for a second.

    I'm not saying that that's what you should do, but you do need to stop looking to them for approval. Most likely you won't ever get it, and trying will suck the life out of you. I think that once you recoginze that, you sort of go thru a grieving process, similar to the death of a loved one. But once it's behind you and you've learned to find approval from within only, it's a huge relief.

    The book Toxic Parents that Blondie recommended is great. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. Good luck... and an extra congratulations on the baby!!!


  • Emma

    Nos, you don't need them.

    I've done so well on my own, but they never see it that way.

    You have done well. You see that and don't need any further validation from them. It sure hurts, though, doesn't it?

    Make friends with folks of all ages; you'll have chosen family for your kids. I'm a surogate grandma to a newborn baby girl. Her paternal grandparents are nuts and her maternal grandparents live in Europe. I have no grandchildren of my own, but will be the absolute best one I can be to this little girl.

    Congratulations to you and your wife!

  • Nosferatu
    but you do need to stop looking to them for approval.

    I'm not looking for approval from them. I quit doing that years ago and just went on doing my own thing no matter what their thoughts were. It would just be a nice change to have a smile and "congratulations" from them after 10 years of frowns and disappointment.

    I usually toss people like this out of my life. However, it's difficult to do this when they're so closely related.

  • GoingGoingGone
    I own the book, and I've read it. It was very helpful with a lot of things, especially how it supports how I don't have to forgive them. It still doesn't help take away the pain though.

    Oops.. posted at the same time!

    It's very true, it doesn't take away the pain. The pain will stay until you can cut the bonds yourself. It's sooooo hard to do, for some reason we just keep on going back to our parents, who are supposed to love us, and get slapped down again, and repeat ad nauseum.

    When my kids were small, my mother doted on them. She loves kids. She's also extremely manipulative, in a lovey-dovey sort of way, and it didn't take long before she started using the kids in all kinds of ways. I could write a book (but I'd rather not) But honestly, having no grandparents is infinately better than having abusive ones. There is no doubt in my mind.

    Do whatever you have to do to accept the reality of the situation you're in. Don't expect your parents to change. Cry, scream, get a punching bag, and get it out of your system. Then move on, create a wonderful, loving family for your child, and give him or her all the love and respect that you wish you had had when you were a kid, and even now.


  • blondie

    I'm almost 30 years older than you, Nos, and I can tell you don't hold your breath and don't set yourself up for hurt by expecting anything from your parents. It would be good just to move on. My father sexually, verbally, emotionally abused his children and my mother allowed it. Just because you share DNA with someone doesn't mean that you need to treat them any differently than the average Joe or Jill off the street. In fact, you should perhaps keep your distance from them and from your child(ren). Believe me if they treated you this way, they will treat your children that way.

    Love, Blondie

    Happy parenthood


    Nos...if it's any consolation, one set of my kid's grandparents never have any contact with them. In return, they don't recognize them or even call them grandma or grandpa. If they do run into them, they call them by their first names!!! It hurt my husband way more than it did me (they were his parents). I just accepted it and never looked back! They were the ones missing's funny, but my 2 sons NEVER even bring it up! We gave our kids all they needed, but my mom was a SUPER grandparent to them and they were happy with that!

    Swalker (understands what you are feeling )

  • FlyingHighNow
    The child will at least have one good grandparent.

    I had one good grandparent, my mother's father. He was the most wonderful man. If not for him, I might not have done anything right as a parent. Just let your child know it's not his/her fault the grandparents aren't loving. No one explained that to me.

  • Nosferatu
    In fact, you should perhaps keep your distance from them and from your child(ren).

    I probably will. Hell, I've already distanced myself from them quite a bit. I'll let them have a bit of a chance to redeem themselves, but I will never leave my child alone with them.

    In the early stages of me and my wife's relationship, she really tried to give my parents some credability. After seeing for herself what kind of people they are, she now has the same opinion of them that I do.

  • LDH

    When my daughter was born 16 years ago, my mother's remark was that she wasn't going to 'get close to her' because she would just die at Armageddon.


    If you think about it, that is really a hoot.

    When my son was born 4 years ago, they said the same thing. My reaction? "WhatEVA!!!!" Really. It's funny and pathetic all at once.

    You will be great parents, and we are ALL happy for you.


  • Scully

    Your parents may not be happy for you, but we sure are!

    I'm thinking we should have a JWD baby shower for you guys!

    If you and Mrs Nos want to set up a Gift Registry at someplace like ToysRUs and share it with the folks here, I'm sure you'll see just how much love there is to go around for your new baby.

    Hugs, Scully

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