New here,i hope someone might help,my abuser hung himself

by Linzlou24 38 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

  • nicolaou

    Dear Linzlou

    Your story is so sad, you need ask for no-ones forgiveness. I hope you find all the love, support and kindness you and your child deserve. I hope you don't mind but I've reproduced your post below in a way that will be easier to read - I've changed nothing - I think it is importnat for your story to be read and understood.




    I'll try not babble too much but from the beginning dad was here one minute, not the next and then not at all, to this day still never bothers. Mum remarried when I was about 4,this was the guy who sexually abused me at 7 (mum never knew). They had a baby together...I found my brother dead in his cot, he died from cot death and it was just all downhill from there with my life, that was after my brother was abused by him. They split when I was around 8 and I guess my mum looking back now on it now just went on her own mission but it wasn’t easy for me, she fell for another guy and we moved from one place to the next. Every time I started a new school and made friends it was time to pack up and go and start all over.....mum settled again and remarried a third time when I was around 12.

    I'd started a new high school, maybe its just those teens but I went off the rails with mum, I was terrible, didn’t mean to be, but I blamed her for all my hurt and life and id rebel at everything, drinking started, running away started and I just wish now I could have felt close when all I wanted was to love and be loved back. The next bit until now (I’m 25 now) is what is killing more than ever and I’d very much appreciate your thoughts because I’m lower than ever and still scared.

    Mum is very much here in my life now...its only been a few months but she's heartbroken and the love and understanding has been tremendous off her, she blames herself but I blame me.....when I started the new high school I met this girl, she became my friend at the time and it was so good to have a friend I’d do anything she said....anyway she needed some money once and said "I know this guy you can come to with me and he will pay you to touch your boobs". That’s when it started. I agreed because if I said no then she’d probably laugh at me, so I went.

    It sounds strange (he was nearly 50) but he was very, very nice, and said "I don’t like the person who’s brought you up here, she’s nasty". I hated him touch me but I was scared but at same time I felt I could really trust him. This girl and me never did stay friends, there’s another big, big part in all of this, but from 13 this guy became the best friend I ever had in my WHOLE life, but everything was a big secret. Its lasted years...he had a hold over me, though I knew he was supposed be my friend I knew he mustn’t really be one else he wouldn’t put me through the torture of crying and not coping when I had my baby

    My babe is 8 now but still when I let him touch my boobs so I can buy the best part of my life something nice or take him somewhere that man would buy bigger and better and undermine all my all got too much before Christmas....I knew this man was touching other girls, and he just had his first granddaughter, I completely cracked and broke down....I mean really cracked up.

    They sent me to hospital.....other girls have since spoke up, but this guy hung himself on Feb 4th and its killing me because I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to do, if I’d stayed quiet then he’d be alive...So am I a murderer for speaking up? Was he ever a friend? I feel so guilty.... as much as I try to love and always be good life brings bad stuff......does god hate me? I’m sorry if I’ve babbled too much, but I hope someone reads this and helps me understand.

    God bless everyone.


  • gumby

    Hi Linzlou,

    Just wanted to give you a warm welcome and a hug. I see you've already gotten some good advise so I'll just say hi.


  • unique1

    IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT HE DIED!!! It reminds me of the phrase "He made his bed let him lie in it." He made his own choices and he chose to abuse others. HIS CHOICE was wrong and now he has paid for it. Try to put him behind you. Try going to see a counselor. They are much more experienced with dealing with these types of things.

    Best Wishes and WELCOME to the board.

  • Big Tex
    Big Tex
    So am i a murderer for speaking up?

    No you are NOT. It took a great deal of courage to speak up. This man was not your friend. He used you for his own selifsh desires. He was selfish, cowardly and self-centered. That he treated other girls this badly should tell you what kind of person he was. The world is a better place now that he's gone.

    I understand what you're feeling. I was abused as a child (age 4). Just three years ago, my father-in-law committed suicide. He would not have killed himself if I had not confronted him about how he was wasting his money and his drinking and drug addiction. I don't regret speaking up, but I have to live with the knowledge that if I had kept silent he would most likely still be alive. So I know what you're feeling.

    But hear me and repeat to yourself as a mantra: This is not your fault. How this man abused you IS NOT YOUR FAULT. The fact that he killed himself IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

    The guilt does not belong to you. It is his and part of your recovery will be giving it back to him. Realize that some of what you feel guilty for is the result of acting out the abuse you suffered when you were 7.

    Have you seen a psychologist? If not, I urge you to find one who is trained in treating adult survivors of abuse.

    Was he ever a friend?

    No. Never. Not for even an instant. Do not confuse a smile, or a friendly face with a friend. Friends give. Friends help. Friends stand by you. This man did none of those things.

    I feel so much as i try love and always be good life brings bad stuff......does god hate me?

    Again, this guilt is not yours. You are not being punished. One of the things I've learned is that this life isn't fair; anyone who says otherwise is trying to sell you something. One thing one of my therapists told me about God that has always stuck with me is that during abuse a victim is attached to the most evil side of the world. There is little that is more evil than hurting a child, and to be raised with that as a backdrop in your life it's so easy to view the whole world that way. But she told me that the good side (God/light/life) sees what happened to us as children and grieves. One thing she said I'll never forget is that: "even the walls cried". Part of recovery in therapy is recognizing your own goodness and forgiving yourself. That sounds odd to those who have not been through abuse, but the vast majority of victims are like you, and blame themselves. Forgiving yourself entails allowing that little girl who was hurt crawl up into your lap and giving her a hug; hold her and tell her she did nothing wrong and she's a good girl. Again, you would do well to find a professional to talk to. You have a right to happiness and you need to heal. It can get better.

    Be well,


  • Lo-ru-hamah

    Dear Linzlou,

    My heart breaks for the pain that you have gone through and continue to have to deal with. Please seek out assistance from a professional source to help you through this. You made a great step for coming here for friendship, and as you continue to seek friends, you will find, that there are people out there that will love you for you and not what they can get out of you.
    "Friendship is alway a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity."

    Much Love,


  • Brigid


    My darling, darling girl. Much love and light to you. You will heal. You will (you ARE) strong just to have survived all of this.

    I am very glad you are here. Come and warm yourself by our fires.

    We welcome you with hugs and blessings,


  • anewme

    Linzlou, you are going to be alright.
    You did the right thing.


  • rebel8

    forum for abuse survivors:

    jw abuse support organizaton:

  • mouthy

    You are not a murderer for turning him in. You saved yourself from his abuse. You saved the other girls he was abusing. You saved many more potential victims. There's no doubt in my mind that you did the right thing.

    I agree with scully>>>> I thank you for turning him in... Do you realize how many other children he could "Be Nice" to. Do get counselling... But remember YOUR NOT RESPONSIBLE for HIS death



  • serendipity

    Hi linzlou and hugs.

    I agree with the other posters. If you're still having problems coping, please see a counselor who can help you sort things out.

    Welcome to the forum!

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