ONE More Round of Lets Play Stoopid!!!

by Sparkplug 29 Replies latest jw friends

  • Sparkplug

    Ok, I have to tell a funny after all this heavy stuff I posted.

    My car broke this weekend. I just got it paid off and what do you know? I had to replace a timing belt and a bearing. That was Monday.

    So I am driving home today and the check engine light comes on. I am now broke and that can cause paranoia. So I pull over and kick the tire, open the hood, and look for anything that resembles something hooky that would make the light go on.


    So I get back in the car, and pick of the first three kids from the school. Meanwhile, the car is still blinking at me and now is turning solid. So...I get out, kick the tire, open the hood and pretend to know something about cars so that my 13 year old girl is not too embarrassed. (I do these things because they get so embarrased if I pull up playing anything but bubbly bald headed black boy band songs.) Then after establishing to myself that I really can only pull that dipstick out of the oil tube so many times before the kids catch on, ...I close the hood, get back in the car and drive on.

    When I get to the little ones day care, I am really nervous. I proceed to try to convince the staff to assist me because I am mechanically retarded and when that did not work, I proceeded to try to look cute and make sad soft Help me cries in the back of my throat.

    Nothing. No help. So I grab my youngest. Squish the Dr Suess Hat she made onto her head and drag her away from the sandbox. As she shows me how she fell and ran her brand new tights that I bought in knit heavy so that they would not run, I think to myself..."$3.67, down the drain." she stopps to dump sand out of her brand new shoes and shows me the black bottoms of her brand new tights. I curl my lips around each other and clench my teeth.

    Really afraid of the light, I proceed to get her in the car, untwist the bent around seatbelt. As I approach the stop lights I stop and turn off the car at each one. There are like 4 or 5 before I get home. I drop the two passenger girls off at their home where the mom is standing with her arms crossed and she looks pissed.

    Great. So I tell the sob story of the light and how it won;t go off and


    They suggest going to auto zone and tell me they can read some car computer codes for FREE!!!

    I jump in the car, and race to autozone. I can feel every bump in the road and I am afraid to drive too fast, afraid I will loose my motor, afraid I will not have this kind of money to fix, let's say, a transmission.

    A I go into the store, I look at my kids and tell the oldest to please loose the night vision driving type glasses. They are bigger than her head and she has hung out the window, flashed the biggest nerd smile and pimped those glasses at every stop sign. She is trying to embarrase me. Little does she know that I have her naked baby pictures..hahaha.

    I beg the bug eyed blondie to please pick the crap off the floor that I asked to be removed from the car for the last two weeks. I tell the baby to stay buckled, and I go in to get this free service.

    Well, The men look at me as if they have seen this drill a million times. The gentleman follows me ou to the car and gets under my dash to hook up the tool! Well, I am wondering if there are any lost french fries down there and pray that nobody has lost another sucker anywhere he is looking.

    He sits up, pushes some buttons, and after a moment...he tells me something about a evaporation unit, fuel, injector...blah blah blah. I can just see money flying out my butt, as he talks. I am pinching off golden logs, and wondering how much blond babies bring on the black market. I hope at least $3.67? (I need that tight money back)

    I let him finish, think to myself, why are his pants highwater, and what pretty teeth he has. I then wonder if he will be nicer and go easier on the verdict because I am half black and he is black. Ya know, I can be a sista' (Quickly I remember that all of my friends tell me I am so white, and profess my white girlfriend is more ethnic than I) So I rub my head and smiling, hope he will see the fine African American Woman hairdo I have and HAVE A LITTLE MERCY NOW!!!!

    He unplugs it, clears the screen.

    I smile a meniacal toon smile! See I am a happy, fine, half black American Woman!! SAY CHEESE!

    He walks around me to the gas tank. He tells me to pull open the little thin door and check if my gas cap is on right.

    Ok, I do, and it was loose. Well how in the hell did that happen? HMMM

    So I say, surely that is not all it was. I felt the car shake, and I had heard noises. Surely I would not look this crazy to the man who seems to have suddenly changed his appearance and is not so geeky anymore. I n fact I am feeling a bit small now.

    To humor me he plugs it in again. Turns the car on...and HELLO>>>THE LIGHT GOES OUT!

    I felt so stupid.

    He leaves me to gather my silly self together and I jump in the car.

    As I drive off I glance at my daughter with a "Don't you say a thing!" type look. She has put the bug glasses back on and grins at me with a metal mouth and I see how her world would have been so cruel if she had been made to wear glasses like me.

    She Winds up a snort (to fit the nerd herd look) laughs like craxy as I try to act as if it does not phase me.

    I glance back at the auto zone and my daughter reminds me that both salesmen are laughing their butts off. I look at the spot where the light comes on and pray that the light never gets brighter and brighter again!

  • bem

    LMAO, That was hilarious. * editted to add not what happened but the way you told the story.

  • Sparkplug

    Dorothy, I laughed so hard while writing it. Thanks!

    Oh, and the gas cap was highly amusing too.

  • prophecor

    Can I Hugg You Now, That was cute, and your daughter sounds the maniacal three foot terrorist, uncompromisingly cute.

  • Sparkplug
    maniacal three foot terrorist,

    You hit it on the head!

  • Billygoat


    (((((((((Sparky))))))))))))) Ya know I love ya! Seriously. I think you should write a book about your stories. Or at least submit it to the Dallas Morning News. You really have a way with funny "columns".

  • bem

    I have always told my young'uns and now my grand-daughter the only thing that saves them is cause they are so cute I so relate to this:

    maniacal three foot terrorist,
  • Frannie Banannie
    Frannie Banannie

    Sparky, that's just bodaciously funny! Andi is right, yanno. This is Dave Barry/Erma Bombeck quality shtuff. You should be published.


  • Gretchen956

    Sparky you are hilarious, thanks for the giggle this morning!


  • LittleToe

    It's been a tough week - thanks for that giggle

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