Do you rather confront the elders or not answer the door?

by JH 30 Replies latest jw friends

  • Elsewhere
    Do you rather confront the elders or not answer the door?

    Actually it is the other way around... I have to wonder if the Elders are willing to talk to ME.

    I haven't have a JW knock on my door since 1998.

  • DigitalFokus

    Know what might be fun, cause i would actually like to talk to them and just bitch at em. but..

    When they knock at the door just yell "Be right there" and stay seated. just chillin and yellin out "almost ready, be right there" every few minutes and when they are finally just leaving from being sick of waiting..then open the door and let em have it.

    but thats just me since i have a few things i wouldn't mind getting of my chest to them.

  • MsShockJock

    I don't answer the door. I had a peep hole installed on my door for that reason alone.

  • IronClaw

    I've been waiting for what seems like an eternity. Well over a year now. They know a lot about what I've been doing ( thanks to the wife ) but still no visits or calls. I think its my attitude. They know it might get ugly, and I personally think they are afraid to confront me. So much for sheperding calls. I, like some that have posted on this thread would love to get into it with them. I have questions galore for them. The one that nobody to date has answered me is about the Mexican scam. They just clam up and walk away. My own sister who when I told her about it went into denial. She hasn't talked to me since.

    IronClaw -

  • Darth Yhwh
    Darth Yhwh

    It used to depend on my mood. When I was still concerned about the repercussions of being DF'ed I might or might not answer the door depending on who it was and how I was feeling at the moment. Now I have nothing to hide and have no fear. Let them come. I feel sorry for them.

  • HappyDad

    As one who used to be an elder, I have not, nor will not answer the door when they call.

    As representatives of an ultra high controlling religion (or if you prefer...cult), they are not worthy of my attention. I do not respect them as such.

    But if they were to act as a real man in another scenario, I would give them consideration as a man. But never give consideration to their position as "saviors" or "leaders" of the publishing company they represent.


  • bythesea

    I'm interested in these responses since I have been told by my husband that I should be expecting a sheparding call from the local elders soon! I have been fading for the past year and especially in the past 6 months have dropped my meeting attendance down to only about once a field service in a year....and no brothers have asked me about it at all!

    Since my husband is out of town frequently on his job he only is able to attend meetings locally a couple of times a month and 2 Sunday's ago is when one of the elders told him they were thinking of coming out to do a sheparding call on me...he encouraged them to do so, hoping I will get jump started again, I guess. I've told my husband I want out, that I don't believe it is "the truth"...but he sees me as being "spiritually sick" and that I NEED to talk to the elders about my doubts. Riiiiight, you bet, that will make it all better!!

    So, do I try to avoid them(this is the most frequent suggestion I read on this subject here), or let them come do their spiel and just nod politely so they can feel they've done their good deed finally? I'm afraid that I wouldn't be able to keep from digging a hole for myself if I were pressed on any touchy subject, tho! I'm a horrible liar and not good at even making excuses, so is there something appropriate I can say to them if they call and want to come see me? Any ideas??


  • willyloman

    bythesea: every case is different, and every elder may react differently, but here's is what happened in our case after we dropped out (just stopped going to the meetings, period). It had been about six months since we disappeared. We eased into our exit by playing a "sick card" due to some actual illness and pending surgery, but of course we created the illusion that our recovery would take longer than it really did.

    When an elder and his wife came knocking one Saturday morning, we had no choice but to answer the door -- our front door has window panes in it and you can see right in to the foyer, which is where I happened to be standing when they showed up.

    I invited them in and my wife joined us from the other room. They sat on the couch and chitty-chatted awhile, small talk mostly. Then his wife turned to mine and said, "So, how come you're not coming to meetings?"

    My wife smiled sweetly and said, "We haven't felt the need."

    There was total silence for a few seconds and then, just as if nothing had happened, the elder changed the subject and started talking about our puppy, who was sitting on my lap!

    A few minutes later, he looked at his watch and said, "Hey, we've got to get going," and they left.

    That was 18 months or so ago and no one's been by or called since.

    Weird, huh? I'm not suggesting this will work for everyone. But I think most dubs, even elders, are very reluctant to confront wayward sheep. It's as if they know why you aren't coming to meetings and really don't want to get into it with you, but feel they have to ask. Once they ask and you deflect the question, there's no place for them to go. Of course, some dubs are more hard-nosed but in my experience, they are not the ones who come to visit you after you leave.

  • bythesea

    LOL!!!!! What a wierd experience, huh? Geez, I can only hope that my visit will go as well!! I appreciate you sharing your experience, Willy, and think if I HAVE TO meet with them(as in get caught outside when they drive up) that I can hopefully be honest(like your wife was!!) but not put my foot in my mouth in the process! Since they DF our son year and half ago I have been slipping, so wonder if I can use that depressing situation to my benefit maybe?

    Anyway, thanks for your input...guess I got in on the tailend of this thread so didn't get any feedback on my situation!! oh well...I can wing it!! bythesea

  • willyloman
    Since they DF our son year and half ago I have been slipping, so wonder if I can use that depressing situation to my benefit maybe?

    bythesea: one of the things that really helped us was a series of posts on this board about planning an "exit strategy." The people who have successfully gotten out of the organization (successfully = on their own terms) had a plan.

    Your personal situation and subsequent depression is the perfect opportunity to create an exit strategy. You may have noticed that depression is one of those ailments that elders and other dubs do not fully understand and don't deal with very well. I'd suggest you talk with a doctor about your depression, and the reasons for it, and see if he'll prescribe counseling. Or got to a public mental health agency and attend a few sessions, or see if your insurance at work covers such therapy.

    That way you can honestly say you are "getting medical attention" for your bouts of depression. If the elders offer to "shepherd" you by coming over to talk about things, you can simply say, "I really don't feel like talking about it yet." This implies you may be willing to talk about it at some point and that will be enough that they will leave you alone. The fact that you are "getting medical attention" will relieve them of any obligation they feel to "help."

    Remember, the reason for doing the fade is to buy time to: Make new friends; develop new interests; do the work of recovery. And leaving the dubs is a form of recovery except that the abuse doesn't involve alcohol or drugs, but rather religion. This means spending time on this forum reading helpful threads and taking the advice you get here about various books to read that will really help you recover emotionally and intellectually from the mental abuse you've received at the hands of the Watchtower. Ther are lots of outside agencies and support groups as well. Consider your exit strategy as the first step on a spiritual journey that leads to freedom.

Share this