Why can't you just move on?

by atypical 45 Replies latest jw friends

  • atypical

    jwfacts, I have learned a lot from reading your posts. I think you are right - maybe the biggest lesson we can learn is that we can't change other peoples minds for them. That's what jws try to do.

  • GoingGoingGone
    Then what will happen I just don't know....

    I am a fader, too, and married to an active JW. When I was first doubting openly, I asked him all the questions that bothered me, and that the WTS has no answers for. He had no answers, of course, but he was still kind and wanted to 'help' me find answers.

    But once I told him that I didn't believe it anymore, and that I wasn't coming back because I had discovered things that convinced me that the WTS is wrong, all dialogue came to a screeching halt. I can't talk to him about anything. I'm labeled an apostate by my own husband, for simply asking questions. Actually, not for asking questions... for finding answers that are not on the WTS 'approved answer' list.

    Some days, things around here are ok. Other days, my husband proclaims that we have no future together, or some other gem... It's a roller coaster of emotion and insecurity and despair. It sucks.

    I don't know what I would have done without this site, honestly.


  • ellderwho


    This is a interesting topic, not only for the married unbelieving spouse couple. I recently had my parents(longtime active dubs) stay at my home for 3 months. What Ive noticed during that time was the fact that my mother and stepfather could openly discuss the goings on at the hall and field service, POs special meeting, and on and on.

    But one single notion or mention of our church or any dialogue about the goings on in our faith, whoa look out, they turn into the faith police.

    So the issue is, we could care less what goes on, other than the fact they regularly trade the truth for a lie, but we just feel that out of respect we do not chastise there religon, but why do they feel they have the right to be the faith police?

    I guess its the "we have the truth" mindset. Dont get me wrong, Ive introduced many theological viruses to the both of them, only ending in red faced disgruntled behavior.

    Sorry to say its a very tough road to continue on as a married couple.

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee

    I haven't read the whole thread but here's my take on this.

    She then asked me why I can't just move on. She said, "you have made your choice, why do you keep talking about it and getting angry?" The conversation went downhill very quickly from there.

    A few years ago I read a book called "Perfect Victim". It is the story of a young woman that was kidnapped and subjected to brainwashing (in the worst sense of the word, including torture). The man who kidnapped her kept her as his sexual slave for 7 years (yes this is a true story). After a few years she is so controlled by him that he can allow her to go out knowing she will return. And she always did. Until one day when the man's wife (who knew all about this) told her to leave and go back to her family (she had been told they were all killed before then). Anyways she finally gets home and actually goes to the police to file charges against him. And then she tries to get on with life.

    It isn't too long before she is telling herself she is such a failure for not just picking up her life and moving on as if nothing had ahppened. Her father sat her down and told her that she should not expect to just "move on". What happened to her was the equivalent of being hit by a mac truck. Her mind was injured and needed time to recover.

    An aside to this: In the court case against the kidnapper, a psychologist was called to testify about the effects of mind control and brainwashing. He listed 16 techniques required to gain control of an adult. Interestingly many of them apply to JWs.

    Back to what I was talking about:

    A few years ago I came frightfully close to being in a head on collision on the highway. I was the passenger and therefore has no control. As a result of the near miss I still tighten up when the car I am in drives too close to the car in front. My estranged husband uesd to be a taxi driver. He always was crawling up the bumper of the car in front of us. Then he would get angry when he saw me tense up. (another reason he is now estranged).

    Now the point of all this is that with so many JWs around you and your wife still in, it is no wonder you still react. if you didn't I might think there was something wrong with you. We need time to recover but if it is always in your face how can you do that? It's like me seeing that car in front of me getting too close.

  • atypical

    Thanks to all of you who posted and shared your insight. I thought I would post an update for anyone who read this thread.

    Basically, my wife and I had it out big time. She felt I was questioning her integrity when I said that she did not understand what it was like to be treated like crap by the people she is so loyal to. I told her that as long as I am alive, if someone treats me like crap, I am going to complain about it, whether or not it is convenient to anyone else's beliefs. After it blew over, she admitted that she would be upset if she was in my situation. She also said that she will not defend anyone who speaks against me. I thought that was pretty good progress.

    Even though I was still upset, I went out on a limb and bought her a valentines day present. She loved it and has treated me like a prince since then. So for now, I feel like things are good with her. Not good with the witnesses, but that's another story.

  • IronClaw
    So for now, I feel like things are good with her. Not good with the witnesses, but that's another story.

    Atypical, glad to hear the good news man. As for the witnesses, who gives a f-ck about them. They dont care or give two sh-ts about you. As long as you and yours got it goin, thats what really counts.

    The Claw.

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