To DA or not to DA that is the question

by lola28 19 Replies latest jw friends

  • freedomlover

    Lola - you have no idea right now how timely this thread is for me - thanks for starting it.

    events in my life in the last few hours have all of a sudden made me start thinking of DAing myself again. I keep going back to "it's not NECESSARY" or "I just want to fade" and then I put the DAing thing aside. I truly feel that I'm going to have to face the DAing monster head on soon.

    All the comments on here have just helped me more than you all know. I am truly thankful and lucky to have all of you wise people around me.

  • cyber-sista

    I have faded away from the Org and see no reason to become involved with them again by DAing myself--the whole DA thing is their little game. I am no longer a JW because I no longer participate in anything JW. I didn't sign any papers going into the JW and see no reason why I need to sign anything going out of it. I won't acknowledge them in anyway by sending them any paperwork or talking to any elders or whatever. I just tell them when they come around that I don't want to talk to them. I am way over it...But whatever works for you--some people may need some closure with all of it.

    I wish you well,


  • fullofdoubtnow

    Hi lola,

    I da'd in November last year without really fading for any length of time, and I have to say I don't regret it at all. I know it's not the truth, so there was no point hanging around and having the elders badger me to return to meetings. I can get on with my healing process unhindered now.

    Being shunned by formerly close friends is, of course, hard to take, but to me it is a small price to pay for my freedom.

    My advice to you is do what you are comfortable with. You know you will always have friends on here, however the jws treat you.



  • drew sagan
    drew sagan

    It's a good question that I feel is governed by circumstance. Family and friends are big factors. Some may simply not be able to let these things go. DA is a step taken by those that can do it, or are willing to suffer the consequences of doing it. Fading is for those not able to make such a step. We must all decide what are path will be according to our own perspective.
    Remember too that no matter how long you have faded, they may allways come back to you wanting to know your stance. "Do you believe it's Jehovah's organization?". Eventually you may face it, even if you don't want to.
    Personally, I think that eventually I'm going to have to make such a stand. My family is NOT in the Watchtower, but my wifes family is. Some of her family is REALLY in, looking at a life of full time service. I can see that allready we are looked upon as somewhat as unspiritual, most likely because I'm not "reaching out". Eventually the Elders will start to pressure me, what to know what's going on, and I might just let them know. Untill then I'm going to try my best to simply fade, for the sake of my wife and her parents.

  • yaddayadda

    I've sometimes thought about DA'ing but then when I work it through it really will accomplish nothing practical to me, except alienate and marginalise me. Usually the reasons I come up with from time to time for why I might DA pretty much just turn out to be a kind of psychic petulance when I have angry or hurt feelings towards those I've left behind. It just feels like nothing but some romantic notion of getting 'revenge' more than anything, similar to some kind of insane 'cry-for help' that a suicidal person might rationalise. At the end it seems that I'm the only one that would get hurt.

    I'd rather still be able to talk to JW's and perhaps sew a few seeds of doubt here and there. As I am opposed to the Society's shunning policy it also feels wrong to pander to that policy by cutting myself off and forcing other brain-washed JW's to shun me.

  • Calliope

    my reasons for "fading" are because i created a monster and became the "spiritual star" of the family and were i do da myself, my parents would take it very, very, hmmm let me re-emphasize, very badly. they are already losing sleep over some "comments" i let slip... sigh.

    otherwise, i'd totally da myself as i have no friends in the org. they've all left me b/c my husband da-ed himself.... sigh, again.

    for yourself, it sounds like you have nothing to lose. but then again, you don't owe the org anything...

    that didn't help much did it?

  • theinfamousone

    LOLA!!!! it seems to me that you have already made the FINAL decision, that you will never go back... heres the best idea i can give you, come here to live with me, and well write DA letters together!!!! then well both be out forever and it will be great!!!!

    the infamous one

  • Highlander

    If I didn't have 100 family members in this cult, I would send my letter in yesterday.

  • Kaput
    so my question for those of you that have DAed is, do you regret it ?

    Not a bit. But that's me and some of the others here. Everyone's different, so do what's best for you. I will say this...unless you truly disconnect from this religion, you will always have questions, concerns, doubts, etc. You will never really leave. And know this -- if you DO leave, it will involve creating an entirely different life, with a completely different view of the world. That's why some of those on this forum sound harsh with their comments, but it is because they have made the disconnect and have begun their new lives apart from Jehovah's Witnesses. However, they are here to help others see the REAL "light" about this religion. This is genuine altruism which the WBTS never had nor will have.

  • sass_my_frass

    Yeah I know hon, it's a big deal. My two cents is that if you give it more time, you will have an answer to the question. Put it on the back burner; give it a few months or years, and then see how you feel about it. You might have done such a successful fade that there's no point. You might decide to make a point.

    My experience was that basically, I wish I'd stood up for myself earlier and not followed the wishes of my witness parents, by talking to the elders. I was pushed a lot by them and so didn't have the time to sit and think. Mind you, I'd been inactive for many years, so maybe the push was the best thing for me; disfellowshipping hurt at the time, but then the pain went, and life has never been better. Maybe if I'd just kept coasting and bluffing I'd never have known how great life is to be free of it all, and for all the people who 'care' about me to be getting what they want from life too... the ability to prove their faith by shunning me. In a way that makes a much bigger statement to them than me just being a mystery.

    Okay so I don't have an answer for you; in a way I wish that the channels of communication were still open, but mostly I'm glad that it's all over and life can be about my hubbie and I, and there isn't a big grey cloud over everything.

    Give yourself time to work it out. If you think you've had a lot of time and haven't worked it out, change something in your life to prompt new perspectives; new interests, new friends, work, diet, sports, volunteer work.... well just something to get you thinking along new lines. It might help you see how big the world is, and that your choice isn't such a big deal in the scale of things.

    Just live the life you want until you have a better idea.

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