The Elders Are Trying to Break up my relationship. HELP!!

by Proteus 31 Replies latest social relationships

  • Proteus

    I am in desperate need of advice. I was recently DF'd along with my fiancee, for fornication. Now the elders are trying to convince her parents that our relationship should end. The only catch here is that our engagement although scriptually binding is not "official" in that her mother wants us to wait. My fiancee is following the elders instructions to end our relationship and I think I'm going to lose her. She agrees that what they are doing is wrong but she won't do anything against her mother, who will blindly do anything the elders say. How can I save my relationship and still keep my dignity by not giving in to the elders pressure??

    Please Help!!


  • AuldSoul

    Short of criminal violence which would probably also result in the end of the relationship you probably have no option other than a scripture showdown with the elders in front of her mother. Make them show you from the Bible WHY you shouldn't be engaged. Make them show you FROM THE BIBLE what the Jewish law said regarding engagement, and ask them if anything in the Christian Greek Scriptures changed that.

    Ask them whether they think God will be pleased with them if they try to separate what God says is yoked together.

    Make frequent "I can't believe these clowns" looks at your mother-in-law to be.

    If they dodge a question nod at the answer and then repeat the questions starting with, "Thanks. But what I ASKED was..."

    If they fail to use Scriptures in their answer or if they ask you questions say, "Look, this should be simple. If God says what you are doing is right, you can show me where he says that."

    If they make excuses about everything not being directly stated in the Bible, say, "If the Bible doesn't say it, then you are lying if you put those words in his mouth. I asked for Scriptural proof for your viewpoint and all you are giving me is what men told you."

    Just a suggestion. It is worth a shot. If your MIL to be is serious about breaking you guys up under elder orders it may be your only shot.


  • skyman

    I broke up with my wife after we where engaged to be married. I told her if could not stand up against her parents she was not ready to get married. A few months went by with her parents thinking they had won before she came around and told them to quit trying to run her life. We have been married for over 20 years now but dhe had to stand up to her parents first.

  • simplesally

    Tell her mother that a promise is a promise, an oath. If you research the WT you will find that your engagement stands. Should you pose a threat to her spirituality, well then she can plead that.

    Oh and she was not df'd??

  • jgnat

    Tough one. If you want to take on the elders, give it a go. If nothing else it should open your fiancee's and your MIL's eyes to their hypocritical leadership. I've got some other worries:

    she won't do anything against her mother

    A marriage is a sacred vow that BREAKS the former bonds between parent and child. You need a helpmate, a support, in the storms of life to come. If your fiancee won't do anything against her mother, you are up for years of misery.

    who will blindly do anything the elders say

    Heck. See above.

    How can I save my relationship and still keep my dignity by not giving in to the elders pressure

    I think you need to work on your fiancee. If she can show some backbone, it can be the two of you against the world for the rest of your lives, and your manhood can be restored. Maybe try the "absence makes the heart go fonder" approach, found in any cheap romance novel. Girls always fall for this. This has a good chance of success, since the two of you have been intimate already, and have already formed a strong bond. The idea is to have a tearful, heartfelt departure from your fiancee. Make it romantic and memorable, nice restaurant or picnic in the park, candle-light, give and ask for a photo or memento. Tell her you cannot bear to be torn between her and the elders, and if she cannot go against their wishes, you must separate. Ask her not to call you for at least a week, but promise her that she will be on your thoughts constantly.

    About a week later, "bump" in to her somewhere along her daily routine, look deeply in to her eyes, wait for it, the tingle of desire, and tell her how much you've missed her. Take it from there. Maybe have a spontaneous surprise waiting, like a ring and an application for a marriage licence, a list of local Justices of the Peace, clippings of starter homes from the local paper, a copy of "June Bride", something like that.

    The truth is, since you are both DF'd, you can't get in much more ca-ca with the elders. If you off and elope, you can still work on reinstatement afterwards. What are they going to do, double-DF you?

  • zagor

    one word, Gestapo.
    The borg wants to take complete control. Take your girl and run.

  • stillAwitness

    If she is not willing to fight than maybe she is not the one. Perhaps you should evaluate where her heart is really at.

    Even if you really do get her to change her viewpoint you may have to constantly fight with her over the DUB ways for the rest of your lives. And you know the elders will be on you guys like a hawk from here on end.

    Really, think about this. Think of the long run, not just of tomorrow.

  • AlmostAtheist

    Poor JGnat! She has to do all the heavy-lifting, then some idiot just comes along and says, "Yeah, what she said!"

    ** Note: Tonight the part of "idiot" will be played by Dave

    Yeah, what Jgnat said. Especially the "she listens to mom/elders no matter what" part. Dude, marriage is HARD, TOUGH, DIFFICULT. Half end in divorce, and the other half... haven't yet. You really, really, really don't want to marry someone that can't get her priorities straight.

    Lay it out, give her some time to think about it, but prepare yourself mentally to make a break for it and cut your losses.


  • ozziepost

    G'day Proteus and welcome aboard!

    I broke up with my wife after we where engaged to be married. I told her if could not stand up against her parents she was not ready to get married.

    This advice from Skyman has been repeated by stilla and AlmostAtheist just above.

    Hard though it is to accept, it's advice you need to think very long about and take on board.

    Cheers, ozzie

  • jwfacts

    You do not say if you believe it is the truth. That will make a big difference. If she believes and you don't then you have a long and hard road ahead of you by staying together. The two of you need to work out where you both stand on a lot of issues. You are better breaking off than being stuck with the wrong person.

    Now you both are d/f it is worth sitting down together and learning as much as you can about to org and finding out if both of you really want to go back. If both of you determine it is not the truth, then you may find it builds your relationship and she is more willing to stand by you.

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