Why am I paralyzed with fear?

by AuldSoul 44 Replies latest members private

• 

  AuldSoul

  I'm reaching out, here. I'm not crying or whining or excusing or bitching or moaning. Just reaching out.

  It's completely irrational. I am terrified I will disappoint myself. So, I am paralyzed.

  Which will guarantee I will disappoint myself, which will make the terror real.

  But it feels more normal to be disappointed with myself than it does to be pleased with myself, even though that makes no sense whatsoever.

  Despite being able to rationally analyze all of this, and tell myself that I am worried about nothing, and that I will be able to find work without any problem, and that I can make friends...I remain paralyzed with fear. What IS that? And why do I have it?
• 

  johnny cip

  auld soul: your a pretty smart guy. and what ever it is that's bothering you. it will work out. it always does. chin up. john
• 

  fullofdoubtnow

  A throwback to the way you used to feel as a jw perhaps?

  I guess no matter how long we've been away from the wts, and for me it's a year now, I handed my da letter in on Nov 1st 2005, there's alaways the chance of some residual fears/feelings from those days rearing up and biting us. I haven't felt so much fear as indecision, having spent so long having my future mapped out for me, it's sometimes a little scary when you realise what you do is down to you.

  As for it being more normal to be disappointed than pleased with ourselves, that's dub teaching as well, never being allowed to feel good enough for jehovah, whatever we did. The thing is not to let these feelings get you down, they will pass..

  Linda
• 

  GoingGoingGone

  I'm no psychologist, but my guess would be this:

  If you don't try, you can keep telling yourself that you CAN do it, you CAN be successful if you just try. But you don't try.... so you CAN'T fail.You are more afraid to fail than you want to admit, and therefore you are stuck in the place where you reassure yourself of your success, but don't actually set the wheels in motion. Because if you were to fail, you're afraid that you wouldn't be able to handle it.

  Maybe?

  GGG
• 

  BabaYaga

  My take on it is that the Jehovah's Witnesses THRIVE on instilling fear, and fear is an incredibly difficult thing to unlearn.
  
  A great concept on fear is that "fear is a false sense of lack." In other words, if you are afraid, it is because you are wrongly concluding that you are missing something, when in reality you have everything you need. That comes from "A Course in Miracles," a very interesting read. Another great one from the same source is...
  
  "Nothing REAL can be threatened. Nothing UNREAL exists. Therein lies the peace of God."
  
  I find that rather comforting.
• 

  under_believer

  Brandon, I have no delicate way of putting this: I think that you need to get some professional help. I hope that you don't take that the wrong way, because it's not intended to offend. I happen to have a lot of personal experience with depression and anxiety disorders, having suffered from them myself (and I'm currently seeking treatment for my own problems). Your own post on how irony saved your life was actually a huge inspiration to me. It may have saved my life, and I wanted you to know that.
  
  You clearly suffer from depression. I don't know if you are in a treatment program, but your posts lead me to believe that talk therapy (some kind of cognitive behavioral therapy) and probably medication would be very helpful to you. Again, I'm not talking out of my ass--I have personal experience with this.
  
  So to answer your actual question: you're paralyzed by fear because of irrationality stemming from a physiological health problem. Talking and posting here will help; but nobody here is a mental health professional (or, if they are, they cannot act in their professional capacity here). You should seek help as soon as possible.
• 

  bebu

  AS...
  

  I am terrified I will disappoint myself.

  In what way are you afraid to disappoint yourself? Or are you afraid to disappoint God?

  If it is God... I think it might help to acknowlege that it's already too late. What I mean is... God already knows every disappointment before you will ever experience it. He sees the whole future and past. He saw it all before time started from our perspective. And yet, it never changed His love. We discover who we are as we go along... but it has always been known to God. So disappointing yourself is inevitable, but God is not 'disappointed'.

  When you think about this, you realize that God's love is very safe and secure after all. You can't surprise Him, only yourself. And this can be a comfort to you at the times you fail. God loves you now, even as He sees whatever real failures you may have ahead.

  As for disappointing yourself... I've found that reaching the end of the illusions of my goodness only really helped me in the end. It will hurt your 'self', but not 'you'. Whatever process you are experiencing right now is not deadly to you in the way you might fear. Crucibles remove dross; and then the reflection of the silversmith is seen.

  I am not trying to be quippy or trite. I hope you can find something in here to rest in.

  (((((HUGS))))

  bebu

  Edited to add: And I agree with underbeliever. TALKING with someone, hopefully a qualified counselor from your church, can only help you out. You don't have to handle this anxiety alone!
• 

  Warlock

  Many times, these problems stem from our relationship with our parents. It might be good to start there.

  Warlock
• 

  BabaYaga

  ...to add another thought...
  
  in addition to the instilling of fear, the JW upbringing did WONDERS to hold us back from ever succeeding in ANYTHING. It was as if the poorer you were, the more you struggled, the closer you were to the elusive kingdom. Heck, we couldn't even succeed in the service... nothing was EVER enough.
  
  WE WERE HELD BACK: Do not get a college education, leave your professional career if you already have one (it takes FAR too much time from your service work,) be HUMBLE HUMBLE HUMBLE, pride comes before a fall, keep on heapin' them ashes on yer head... ad infinitum.
  
  It's not an easy task, but you MUST remind yourself that this springs from JW instilled fears and hold-backs. It's like the ancient Asian custom of binding the feet of female children... but the JW's bound our psyches.
  
  Cheers and strength to you.
  Baba.
• 

  morty

  Much good advice here for you on this thread and I cannot add to much more to it...

  Just wanted to give you a (((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))

  Mort...