Why am I paralyzed with fear?
It is very possible the fear is a memory from long ago, from an experience which traumatized you. The fear is an emotional scar, left over and unhealed since that time. Burying feelings, repressing the experience, can be a healthy thing in that it allows us to survive the initial event. But once we find a safe place, that coping skill of repression works against us and begins to harm.
It has been my experience that big feelings (anger, fear, shame for instance) only become bigger if ignored or untreated. Attempts at self-medicating the pain through drugs or alcohol only exacerbates the problem, again making the initial emotional event that much bigger.
It's completely irrational. I am terrified I will disappoint myself. So, I am paralyzed.
Fear of success battling fear of failure? If so, that's real inertia.
As impossibly difficult as it feels, doing rather than staying in your head will help get you out of the trap. Yes it feels big, but it is a feeling, perhaps even a memory, not reality.
Which will guarantee I will disappoint myself, which will make the terror real
Terror. This is a big clue pointing toward something else. Fear of failure is not terror; panic perhaps but terror is a word that introduces something outside of you. Terror is what we would feel being chased and hurt or seeing something hideous.
I also find the word guarantee interesting. It sounds like a setup. As if you want to break out, but the feeling of staying in your head, living with this long time fear is not so much comfortable as familiar. So the fear of the fear itself (and perhaps the event behind the fear) leads you to set yourself up to fail. But I also sense you want very badly to get past it, so there's that inertia again. This is a stage people are stuck at before they enter recovery. It takes more than 51% desire to get out.
But it feels more normal to be disappointed with myself than it does to be pleased with myself, even though that makes no sense whatsoever.
Yes it makes perfect sense. Again, it's not "normal", as it is familiar. You've gotten used to having this horrible feeling. Kind of like someone who has a massive 200 pound tumor. They never thought it would get that big, but gradually it grew and they never sought treatment to have it removed. And then one day they saw how big it had become but it was now part of their life. But it still grew bigger. But they either have to face it, get help and have it removed, or it will destroy them. Same with you.
Despite being able to rationally analyze all of this, and tell myself that I am worried about nothing, and that I will be able to find work without any problem, and that I can make friends...I remain paralyzed with fear. What IS that? And why do I have it?
You can't get out by yourself. Nor can you get by rational Vulcan-like logic. You've got to get your hands dirty. This is emotion. You're more comfortable using logic and rational thought. Why? Because it's easier and because the emotional side is being consumed by this fear tumor that is growing exponentially.
Finding a competent therapist is an absolute paramount for you. You need a guide, someone to help you identify the original event that gave you terror, then they must help you face that terror (as you re-experience it) and then help you past it. That is what real therapy is about. It sucks and it's painful, but it is an absolute necessity for you. You've got a lot of words to say, and you need to say them to someone who is trained to help you pin those words to the proper emotional place so you can move on.
You never really finish recovery; it's a lifetime process. But you'll find that as you move forward, you'll be the same except different.
Chris