There are as many reasons for relationships as there are people in relationships; and then some.
SPAZnik
JoinedPosts by SPAZnik
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23
Older Men/Younger Women
by asilentone inwhat are your thoughts about 44 year old guy dating 22 year old girl?.
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a very weird elder
by asilentone ini remember an elder in my congregation gave the talk "godly view of sex and marriage" in the 90's.
he was talking about masturbation.
he said to the audience if you have any problems with masturbation, please let him know, he also said please do not be embarrassed.
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SPAZnik
So if you're addicted to something like smoking you'll likely get the shaft,
but if you're addicted to masturbation you'll get "help"?
I don't get them.
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17
Not without my daughters
by IronHill inanyone remember that movie?
sally field playing an abused wife trying to leave iran with her daughter?
my current situation reminds me of that movie.. ok a little background.... i have two beautiful daughters from a previous marriage.
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SPAZnik
I feel for everyone involved in this challenging situation/transition. You said "I guess this means I'm failing my children." Do you really believe that's what this means? Or could it be that this is simply a f.e.a.r. (False Evidence Appearing Real)?
Keep being the best father you know how to be. Keep taking things one step at a time, one day at a time. Seek healthy outlets for your emotions during this time and be honest and realistic about both your strengths and limitations. I promise you that how you approach this PROCESS will have more of an impact on your daughters than the most idealistic OUTCOME you can imagine.
Recognize that you can't really "control" other people or every outcome in life (although you may be able to exert some influence some of the time, it is unreasonable to expect yourself to be able to control your ex-wife's decisions or choices or beliefs.) Try not to get tunnel vision on your fears. Dare I say, keep your eyes on the prize. But be realistic too. Avail yourself of whatever resources and expertise you reasonably can to support the best efforts you are conscientiously making. Remember that there is no such thing as perfection. Learn from your mistakes. Remember what really matters when it comes right down to it. Keep in mind that just as things could be better, they could also be far, far worse than they are.
I don't know how to specifically recommend you proceed with your (confused and troubled sounding) ex-wife other than to suggest keeping healthy boundaries as much as possible and behaving as respectfully as possible each step of the way and stay accountable for your own choices and responsible for your own path. Try and think positively that "forewarned is forearmed". I think it was reasonable to tell your ex yourself rather than leaving that to your daughters. Now you know where things stand at this moment. Let the emotions out. Then consider your options. Sometimes do nothing is an option. Sometimes you have to respect that your ex-wife (or your daughters) may make life choices that you don't like. Sometimes just when they've been scaring you the most, they'll up and surprise you with their decisions under fire. Sometimes you have to let people learn from their own choices and decisions just as we frequently reserve the right to do in our own lives.
Again, be the best person you can under the circumstances. Trust that your daughters will grow to be women and they will have their own choices and decisions to make as well and yes, that will be scary, but it doesn't necessarily spell the disaster you fear. Try not to project your worst fears onto them. Learn ways of managing your fears so that you can contribute positively to their lives. Give yourself credit for loving them, but don't make it all about them either. That will be a lot of pressure on them. Maintain a healthy relationship with yourself. Perhaps then your ex-wife's actions will seem a bit more manageable.
I suspect that you've already learned in your own life that things rarely go as planned. Perhaps you've even found that in some ways this can be positive in ways not previously imaginable to you. The same thing applies now. The same will go with your daughter's lives. (I speak as a daughter from a divorced situation).
The path you've chosen isn't an easy one. What path is? But speaking as a daughter to a father, I can honestly tell you, that what matters more than anything is how you manage the things you can control, especially your own emotions, and how you use the time you DO have with your daughters. The rest is just details. Even the seemingly big stuff like religion, politics, money, careers, sex, past relationship mistakes....etc, etc.
Your example as a father has more power than everyone in the world put together, including the JWs. Channel your anger in constructive directions. Each generation does a little bit better than the last.
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24
Breakdown of Forum Members
by Georgiegirl inha!!!.
how many online forum members does it take to change a lightbulb and to post that the lightbulb has been changed?.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
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SPAZnik
"12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy."
hahahaha
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17
His Silence Says it All
by compound complex ingreetings, dear friends:.
the day is bright and beautiful, yet i'm traveling to a space somewhere inward.
i dropped the broom while sweeping leaves on deck and hastened slowly to put my old and fading man's introspection to paper.
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SPAZnik
*silently reflecting*
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21
Does your body have a stress reaction?
by Gregor ini suppose mine is not uncommon (see below) but i have noticed it again of late and cannot deny the connection to excessively stressful events in my life.
i involuntarily keep my jaw clinched and within a day or so i get a piercing pain in my jaw up by my ear.
anyone have a cure for this?
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SPAZnik
Another excellent book on the subject is "The Worried Child" by Paul Foxman, Ph.D.
Great tool whether you are child or adult and wanting to better understand anxiety and how to overcome it via healthy stress control/responses.
SPAZnik
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Do you ever turn off the music?
by compound complex ingreetings fellow music lovers:.
given the numerous "name your favorite tune" threads that are posted here on jwn, it appears that none of us can live without la belle musique.
often my cd player runs through the night.
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SPAZnik
Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. :)
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21
Does your body have a stress reaction?
by Gregor ini suppose mine is not uncommon (see below) but i have noticed it again of late and cannot deny the connection to excessively stressful events in my life.
i involuntarily keep my jaw clinched and within a day or so i get a piercing pain in my jaw up by my ear.
anyone have a cure for this?
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SPAZnik
Yep, every body does. I like the exercise suggestion already given and the thought processes thing.
The best book I've read so far on the subject of stress reactions, where they come from, what can unwittingly contribute to them and what you can do about them is this one: http://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Fourth/dp/1572244135 It's written with some serious cases in mind, but applying it's insights can fortify anyone desiring to take responsibility for managing their stress responses.
Another thing that might help your inner ear canal and muscles in your head to relax is ear candling. It's not a wax remover as some people erroneously believe, so beware of buying into that bunk, but the warmth generated by the process is awesome for relaxing muscles that need a reminder of what it's like to actually relax. :)
Specific to your mention of jaw clenching/teeth grinding, I've heard dentists can help with that sort of thing as well, so it may serve you to ask yours about it. Keep in mind that a real fix to the underlying issue is superior to a bandaid fix to just one symptom. You seem on the right track with managing anxiety/stress/fear as a whole by means of things like exercise and any other techniques you can find that you are willing to do.
You're inherently worth the effort and the benefits of calm are totally worthwhile! :)
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SPAZnik
lol...i love threads like this.