I've really appreciated all the input on this topic. And I forgot to thank Mindchild for his reference to that book. As an evolutionist, I do agree that there are some serious biological differences between men and women in these areas. To put it bluntly, the "Should I kill it or fuck it?" response in men when they meet something or someone new seems to still be pretty strong, despite the trappings of culture and religion that want to keep that under wraps.
Ranchette - I 've appreciated the comments. It seems like taking risks has also been a powerful part of my personality. That and the incredible drive to KNOW instead of to just WONDER. It's not always badly intentioned - but there have been some bad consequences at times.
Si: Welcome to the discussion. Yes - the freedom is a bit hard to deal with when you leave the confines of Watchtowerdom. I was baptized at 11, my wife at 12, so we know of what you speak. My wife recently told me that I've always been wild, a viewpoint which somewhat surprised me, but I've curbed it fairly successfully for a long time. And I do appreciate what you wrote about possible physical effects from all of this. Actually, for the past ten years we've had to deal with the aftermath of finding out that one of our children was sexually abused. My wife has certainly felt that much of the physical and emotional turmoil she has had to deal with can be directly related to that.
But I also feel that my wife is an incredibly strong woman, and that she as well has undergone a considerable transformation over the past several years. I haven't been alone in making changes. From a shy young woman who was not very confident in herself she has become a strong, confident, independent professional woman. And I have no doubt that she could quickly find another man in her life. She is strikingly good looking and can easily pass for a woman 15 years younger. She's also had that reinforced for her several times over the past few weeks. Just this weekend we were at a party where this man, a total stranger, just came up and started taking pictures of her. This out of a crowd of maybe 100 people.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't believe that either of us wants to stay together because we have no choice. We want to stay together because that's what we want to do - not what we have to do. I totally believe in the fully examined life. Not doing things out of convenience or habit, but always asking why I'm doing a particular thing.
It's why I started this post - I'm not particularly afraid of taking a deep look at things that can be very painful, and I'm not especially concerned whether someone feels I'm an awful bastard for what I've done. That's a big change for me, as I've always wanted to please people and be liked by everyone. Leaving the Witnesses has allowed me to feel free to examine all the aspects of who I am - the light side and the dark side - and accept them both as part of what makes me me. We could never do that as Witnesses. So that may be a part of the rush of freedom that hits us when we leave the religion behind, an opportunity to look at things about ourselves that we may never have wanted to admit to before.
Part of all this for me was examining the whole concept of conventional morality. Xena has probably gone further in this than I will dare to in my lifetime. I would guess that neither I nor my wife have the strength to consider an open marriage, and neither of us would truly be happy in it, whereas we have seen that we can be truly happy and content with each other. And I don't think that either of us have any fears about growing old alone - though two women have brought this up to me. Is this a greater fear of women than of men? It seems that women face this much more often and would be better prepared for it than men.
Thank you all for your input, and for helping me examine this part of my life. I appreciate your openness, and also the civility, as has been referred to here before.
S4