thanks you guys for all your kind words. i hope that i do muster up the courage to do whats necessary. thanks again and god bless
moe
mochamint22
JoinedPosts by mochamint22
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22
Feel like I'm living a lie....
by mochamint22 init's been a while since i've posted on the forum but im needing to get how i'm feeling out of my head and out in the open.
i don't know what's going on with me but sometimes i feel overwhelmingly sad and my eyes well up like i'm going to start crying.
i'm not thinking about any one particular thing when this happens.
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22
Feel like I'm living a lie....
by mochamint22 init's been a while since i've posted on the forum but im needing to get how i'm feeling out of my head and out in the open.
i don't know what's going on with me but sometimes i feel overwhelmingly sad and my eyes well up like i'm going to start crying.
i'm not thinking about any one particular thing when this happens.
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mochamint22
This isn't the first time that I've heard this. time and time again. I don't know what keeps holding me back. I don't know if its fear or what. but its just not good. and my 2 kids are also dealing with him. he raises his voice for no reason sending them in the room when they only do what little kids do. he has no patience and he runs to me like a little kid tattling on me everytime my daughter does something he doesnt like. "oh she looked at me disrespectfully" "she's just trying to get attention" i am thinking seriously about this. i am supposed to be going to his country to visit in november ...maybe after that
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22
Feel like I'm living a lie....
by mochamint22 init's been a while since i've posted on the forum but im needing to get how i'm feeling out of my head and out in the open.
i don't know what's going on with me but sometimes i feel overwhelmingly sad and my eyes well up like i'm going to start crying.
i'm not thinking about any one particular thing when this happens.
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mochamint22
thanks isojourn
thats what i've started thinking is that since fading away from "the truth" i go to the next overbearing and controlling situation. i often worry that no one will ever want me if i leave him because i have 2 kids- not to mention that my mother pioneer dub and my husband has told me that. its not that i cant be alone, i just dont like to be. but i could totally get rid of him no problem and be ok. i work at home my daughter isnt in daycare so its not question of finances. i just dont want to be w/out him. i love him and know he's had a hard life but it doesnt excuse his behavior and i just want him to see that i'm his ally not his enemy. you know, i asked him this past thurs if we could just only say good and positive things to eachother for the following 24 hrs and he couldnt even do that. he asked for anal sex since i'm on my period and i said hell to the no and he said that i wasnt being respectful and nice and that i broke the 24 hr thing
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22
Feel like I'm living a lie....
by mochamint22 init's been a while since i've posted on the forum but im needing to get how i'm feeling out of my head and out in the open.
i don't know what's going on with me but sometimes i feel overwhelmingly sad and my eyes well up like i'm going to start crying.
i'm not thinking about any one particular thing when this happens.
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mochamint22
i know guys, i know. and i always come back to this point feeling that i need to get out. to get relief. and i actually have had him move out a couple times but i always let him come back home. he basically gets me to go out to dinner or something with him and then he pressures me to let him come back. i wouldnt need to go to a shelter, he would leave if i asked him. in fact he tries to scare me by saying to get the divorce paperwork together whenever i don't want to do something he likes. or whenever i stand up for myself and tell him i dont like how he treats me. he says that i don't see how i behave and that i bitch about everything and that i think i'm better than him, blah blah. its all crap.
this may seem like a small thing but i want to tell you guys what got me started feeling like this all over again this morning. i was IMg his niece and she told me that she just turned 31 last saturday. over comes my husband and starts reading my conversation with her and typing like he's me and he sees that i was typing to her how crazy it is that him, her uncle is younger than her. and she responded saying no he's not, he already turned 32 last year. well as far as i know my husband is 30. when he saw me telling her that i know he's 30 he moved my hand away from my laptop to delete me typing that he's 30. I don't know if that's because he's lying to me and he is older or if he was just not liking that i was talking about him. it was a totally casual conversation nothing was going on at all but he just got all bent outta shape seeing me tell her that he's 30. I'm like whats all that about??
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22
Feel like I'm living a lie....
by mochamint22 init's been a while since i've posted on the forum but im needing to get how i'm feeling out of my head and out in the open.
i don't know what's going on with me but sometimes i feel overwhelmingly sad and my eyes well up like i'm going to start crying.
i'm not thinking about any one particular thing when this happens.
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mochamint22
the physical abuse has already happened before. right as i was filing for divorce and asked for him to sign the papers he hit me accross the head and gave me a mild concussion. but i decided not to send in the paperwork so we could try to work it out because I suppose I provoked him to hit me since he was saying he wouldnt sign the papers and I hit him on the arm because he made me angry. It was my own fault on that one.
but yes i feel like i cant trust him and its just not good. also whenever he walks up to me he cant ever just hug me, no he has to grab my chest or my private section. ive already told him that i want him to show other forms of affection besides grabbing up on my privates and he doesnt get it. he's pissed right now because i've been on my period for like over a week. but its because i have PCOS due to stress that my hormones are all off and he just doesnt get it. he's made at ME bc my period is still on and he cant get any. he says "fine, its not my fault then if i get outside what i'm not getting at home."
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22
Feel like I'm living a lie....
by mochamint22 init's been a while since i've posted on the forum but im needing to get how i'm feeling out of my head and out in the open.
i don't know what's going on with me but sometimes i feel overwhelmingly sad and my eyes well up like i'm going to start crying.
i'm not thinking about any one particular thing when this happens.
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mochamint22
yes and i've called a help line before and it's nice to have someone to talk to but you know they aren't living it everyday. also, I've asked him to come with me to marriage counseling and he shuts down and says i'm rediculous with the whole "counseling thing" and says never to ask him that again. His own family didn't know that I didn't know about the kids until a yr ago. So he's been lying to them too. but i'm just under all this pressure to be what he wants every minute of the day and to be all smiles whenever the kids are on skype plus i'm under a lot of stress from work, which is another thing he yells at me about and says i bitch all the time and should be happy i sit on my ass all day type of job (his exact words) and think i'm ridiculous. plus the responsibility of taking care of our 2 kids here. my daughter, the one he doesnt like doesnt like him either and has bad personality traits and it's partly him but also from being around my mother and her toxicity as well. my husband expects us to move to his country in about a year to live there for a little while so he can be near his kids and i've gone along with it but i seriously have doubts. i actually filed for divorce 4 mos ago but never sent in the final paperwork because i want to work it out but i really dont know if this is fixable. but if i were to have him leave and complete the divorce, i feel like i'd be letting down everyone that expects this to work, his family, his three kids which have grown very attached to me and myself too. i dont know what to do. i'm soo depressed.
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22
Feel like I'm living a lie....
by mochamint22 init's been a while since i've posted on the forum but im needing to get how i'm feeling out of my head and out in the open.
i don't know what's going on with me but sometimes i feel overwhelmingly sad and my eyes well up like i'm going to start crying.
i'm not thinking about any one particular thing when this happens.
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mochamint22
Hi all,
It's been a while since I've posted on the forum but Im needing to get how I'm feeling out of my head and out in the open. I don't know what's going on with me but sometimes I feel overwhelmingly sad and my eyes well up like I'm going to start crying. I'm not thinking about any one particular thing when this happens. I just think all of the pressure I'm under is just getting to be too much for me. It's hard because my husband treats me like I'm lazy and crazy because I tell him how I feel. I also have been lied to by him soooo much about who he is and I'm dealing with the reality of who he is and his lies and trying to do so with class and dignity and selflessness but I'm afraid I can't hold it in anymore. At the same time of these feelings of depression and lonliness, I also feel cut off from emotion if you can try to understand it because it's like i CANT cry either. I get to the point of crying but then the emotions go right back in and I don't let the tears fall.
What I'm referring to when I say his lies, I mean that I just found out last Nov that he has three children that I had no knowledge of. And I've welcomed them and spent money on them and spent time with them but it never seems like its enough. He's always raising his voice to me saying that I don't like him talking to them and just this last friday I sent $50 over to his nephew as a late bday gift and when he saw that he yelled at mi saying "Dummy you wouldve done better sending money to the kids (his 3 sons) instead of sending a grown man $50" I had just finished sending them $100 minutes before he said that. But he only saw me wiring money to his nephew and went off.
I sent them $200 to have a bday party and have gifts and my husband sent $130 because they said they needed more money to have everything for the party (I failed to mention that his sister who takes care of them lives in another country) Yesterday we connected on skype to see who the party went and they were so happy and excited thanking him for the party and I just felt useless and a little bad that he was acting like it was his idea and he sent over the bulk of the money. And he wanted me to pay him back half of the $130 he sent saying that because the party was my idea I should pay for it. But then I get a next to nothing thanks for it. Then one of his other sisters needed some money to buy som shoes for her kid and he sent her some money and I guess this morning she was talking to him on skype and told him to tell me thanks and god bless and he comes up to me and said " my sister said to tell you thanks and god bless. you didn't send her anything it was me but ok just relaying the msg"
He's such a jerk. Calling me dumb and stupid and treats me badly. And he can't stand my his step daughter (my daughter) but has the audacity to be that way when he lied to me these 6 yrs we've been married about having three kids. And he expects me to just be ok with it and take it with open arms and I have. but i need for him to acknowlege that he lied to me and that he needs to earn my trust back but nothing. I get an emotional slap in the face and am told to deal with it. I've tried to tell him about my feelings of depression and he thinks its a joke. I've been in therapy for almost a year now with no results. I'm just seeing and psychologist so no meds are being prescribed. Also he knows that since I have cut my mother out of my life because shes hardcore JW and I've left the "truth" and don't want her in my life anymore because shes toxic, I've been really needing to have his emotional support and I don't have it. everytime he sees me on this website he calls me rediculous. Also sometimes when I talk to him he just ignores me. He hears me but he doesnt even look at me he just ignores me. Or I'll start talking to him and he fake yawns and says "how boring" and starts whistling to shut me up.
He wants all access to my information, bank account, email and facebook passwords and yet I have no access to his information. And I just feel like he's a liar and I can't handle his emotional abuse anymore. I feel like I keep giving and giving and getting nothing in return. I'm not a selfish person but I feel like i deserve respect and that I'm a good wife and mother and deserve to be treated as such.
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Several ways you can leave the WT money when you die - No subtlety here folks
by agonus inin the latest kool-aid edition (november 15th), there's an insert on page 22 entitled "ways in which some choose to give".
in this short (less than 2 page) article, the word "death" appears no less than 3, count 'em, 3 times.
"payable on death", "transfer on death", and "bequest at death" are all mentioned.. .
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mochamint22
Yeah my mother already did this. She said that her kids don't care enough about her to leave us money when she passes. She said its better to leave it to the Society since they're the only ones that care about her. Yep WBTS is now the named beneficiary on her will....that was years ago.
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A day in the life of a fader...
by onemore inso, the day is almost over, its going to be sunday in the next 2 hours.
how did i spend my saturday now that im out of the organization....well... .
after watching sponge bob, i went to the gym and had a nice workout, on my way home...i saw a few jws on field service.... later i met with my brother to look at some used car, after grabbing a bite, guess what?
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mochamint22
Yeah it's nice. I must say though that now that I'm out I seem to keep running into witnesses everywhere. I don't know them but I know they are witnesses cause they're just out there preching w/their briefcases and their bookbags and their literature. seems i can't get away from them. but yes it is very nice to just wake up and not have to think about boringly strolling down a street knocking on doors that won't open. or that will slam the moment they do.... i'm glad for you!
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So what do ya'll think about the recent new light?
by stillin9 inyou know, the thing they were talking about in the 2011 dc.
it was about how the "toes" of daniel's image no longer represent all the individual governments that have come around in human history.
and that the anglo-american world power is the last world power we'll see before the end of the system of things.
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mochamint22
just wanted to throw out that those jws that didnt actually hear that wont believe it unless its at a meeting or convention. i told my pioneer mother about the "new light" everyone was buzzing about several months ago about the generation that will never pass away and she said they never said anything about that at her convention or meeting and that it was all false material conjured up on the web and apostate doing....funny how thats their catch all for anything they cant explain....