It's been a while since I've posted on the forum but Im needing to get how I'm feeling out of my head and out in the open. I don't know what's going on with me but sometimes I feel overwhelmingly sad and my eyes well up like I'm going to start crying. I'm not thinking about any one particular thing when this happens. I just think all of the pressure I'm under is just getting to be too much for me. It's hard because my husband treats me like I'm lazy and crazy because I tell him how I feel. I also have been lied to by him soooo much about who he is and I'm dealing with the reality of who he is and his lies and trying to do so with class and dignity and selflessness but I'm afraid I can't hold it in anymore. At the same time of these feelings of depression and lonliness, I also feel cut off from emotion if you can try to understand it because it's like i CANT cry either. I get to the point of crying but then the emotions go right back in and I don't let the tears fall.
What I'm referring to when I say his lies, I mean that I just found out last Nov that he has three children that I had no knowledge of. And I've welcomed them and spent money on them and spent time with them but it never seems like its enough. He's always raising his voice to me saying that I don't like him talking to them and just this last friday I sent $50 over to his nephew as a late bday gift and when he saw that he yelled at mi saying "Dummy you wouldve done better sending money to the kids (his 3 sons) instead of sending a grown man $50" I had just finished sending them $100 minutes before he said that. But he only saw me wiring money to his nephew and went off.
I sent them $200 to have a bday party and have gifts and my husband sent $130 because they said they needed more money to have everything for the party (I failed to mention that his sister who takes care of them lives in another country) Yesterday we connected on skype to see who the party went and they were so happy and excited thanking him for the party and I just felt useless and a little bad that he was acting like it was his idea and he sent over the bulk of the money. And he wanted me to pay him back half of the $130 he sent saying that because the party was my idea I should pay for it. But then I get a next to nothing thanks for it. Then one of his other sisters needed some money to buy som shoes for her kid and he sent her some money and I guess this morning she was talking to him on skype and told him to tell me thanks and god bless and he comes up to me and said " my sister said to tell you thanks and god bless. you didn't send her anything it was me but ok just relaying the msg"
He's such a jerk. Calling me dumb and stupid and treats me badly. And he can't stand my his step daughter (my daughter) but has the audacity to be that way when he lied to me these 6 yrs we've been married about having three kids. And he expects me to just be ok with it and take it with open arms and I have. but i need for him to acknowlege that he lied to me and that he needs to earn my trust back but nothing. I get an emotional slap in the face and am told to deal with it. I've tried to tell him about my feelings of depression and he thinks its a joke. I've been in therapy for almost a year now with no results. I'm just seeing and psychologist so no meds are being prescribed. Also he knows that since I have cut my mother out of my life because shes hardcore JW and I've left the "truth" and don't want her in my life anymore because shes toxic, I've been really needing to have his emotional support and I don't have it. everytime he sees me on this website he calls me rediculous. Also sometimes when I talk to him he just ignores me. He hears me but he doesnt even look at me he just ignores me. Or I'll start talking to him and he fake yawns and says "how boring" and starts whistling to shut me up.
He wants all access to my information, bank account, email and facebook passwords and yet I have no access to his information. And I just feel like he's a liar and I can't handle his emotional abuse anymore. I feel like I keep giving and giving and getting nothing in return. I'm not a selfish person but I feel like i deserve respect and that I'm a good wife and mother and deserve to be treated as such.