Totally understand what youre going through.
As others expressed its a journey, exiting and scary. Are we really alone, and only the product of some impersonal mechanism (evolution)?
Its hard to imagine.
Therefore sometimes I tend to believe in a somewhat personal first cause. However, I have to admit, when I try to see the world from a strict scientific viewpoint, there is more proof for the absence of a higher force than for its existence. Sure there are many questions about how life developed, and believers like to point the finger, however, if there was a creator who would like to be known, he could easily provide proof, and end all doubts about his existence.
Therefore, personally, I´m somewhere between believing nothing, and believing in some higher being, who has no particular interest in his work.
And I probably will never find out, whats the truth. This is something quite difficult for somebody who for years believed, he knows everything (as typical JW)