LOL!! that's classic. haha. Do apostates still count time? If so....then DAMN I'm like a super pioneer or something with as much as I tell people about it.
Posts by feenx
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15TATTOO LOVERS: Need some suggestions...
by feenx inhelllloooooo peeps!
alright so with all my recent bs part of the new "me" will be a new tattoo.
i have part of it figured out, a phoenix bird, which really is perfect for me personally with my journey through life, as a silentlamb, and coming out of the borg and embracing my own life.
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15
TATTOO LOVERS: Need some suggestions...
by feenx inhelllloooooo peeps!
alright so with all my recent bs part of the new "me" will be a new tattoo.
i have part of it figured out, a phoenix bird, which really is perfect for me personally with my journey through life, as a silentlamb, and coming out of the borg and embracing my own life.
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feenx
Helllloooooo peeps!
Alright so with all my recent BS part of the new "me" will be a new tattoo. I have part of it figured out, a phoenix bird, which really is perfect for me personally with my journey through life, as a silentlamb, and coming out of the borg and embracing my own life. REBORN!
What I am trying to figure out is the piece that I want to get over my heart, which will be where the tattoo starts. I want something that symbolizes that life of a child, inside the borg, alone, sad, terrified, victimized, etc. Something that is a clear statement of what that life was, and the life that is now dead and left behind.
Any thoughts?? -
Well...at least it's helped with my writing block
by feenx ini've had some definite writers block when it comes to prose.
partly because of this book i'm working on, partly because of life itself.
i haven't written anything that i like in a while.
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feenx
I've had some definite writers block when it comes to prose. Partly because of this book I'm working on, partly because of life itself. I haven't written anything that I like in a while. And then this morning at work BOOM, there it was. I spat it out in about 15 minutes. It's just a first draft, so go easy on me grammar people ;)
Anyways, just thought I'd share it, another way to let myself be heard :)
My working title is "I Stand Alone"
I stand alone Atop my mountain Years of one step at a time To get to this peak
Thousands of feet of climbing Now one step to go One step to be free One step to fall On my way down all the world to see
I stand alone My parachute Full of my life's journeys On my back
Can it save me Catching my fall, Or will I let this climb continue to destroy me Never being whole?
One foot foreword One step of self trust The ultimate test Of my self earned strength
Will this parachute of my past make me fly, Or will this weight of pain I've carried up this mountain Make me fall?
Once more step Will I take it?
One more step Will I continue to only imagine it?
This unseen force Is pulling me down
Is it my past life and current pain Or is it my fear, Of trusting myself enough to jump Off this cliff?
I stand alone On this mountain One step To my future
I stand alone On this mountain Dead inside Betrayed and slaughtered
I stand alone Questioning Do I have the strength? Do I have the will, To resurrect myself?
I stand alone Sewing the broken pieces of myself Back together
Like Frankenstein's monster Stiff, unsure and angry I yearn to be whole
One more step And we shall see
I stand here alone Asking Will I fly? Or will I take my final fall?
One more step... -
11
What to do when your JW + Silentlamb pasts ends in relationship rejection
by feenx ini find myself today completely distraught, rejected and questioning myself for the first time in quite a while.
this past friday night i ran into my recent ex and some mutual friends, and the new guy she is seeing.
the very guy who she herself referred to previously as a "man whore.
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feenx
Thank you all so much for your encouraging words! I am sure I will be re-reading them quite often :)
I also had gone through the stage where I didn't open up to anyone, kept all of myself inside. And as I grew so did the desire for others to know, not for sympathy or anything, but just that I, as in the real me, was out there. I was in this transition stage when I met her. Before I met I had made the conscious decision that I wanted to be in a relationship and open myself up in that way.
Then suddenly BOOM there she was.
I remember all these feelings gushing up inside of me that I had not felt in to so long. It was all so real sometimes it was hard for me to believe. On our second date, as we laid together (before we'd ever had sex) she said I was just too perfect, there had to be something wrong with me, what was it? I told very briefly and matter of fact my past. And she replied, "That's it?"
I remember the feeling I had at that moment was best feeling and sensation I can remember. FINALLY. It was like affection and acceptance of all of me at once. I will never forget that feeling.
Now those are feelings are erased by her eventual rejection of my healing process. So now I am questioning if I made the wrong decision to be in a relationship, maybe I am not as far along in my healing process as I thought. Or was I so excited at the initial affection that I blinded myself from seeing true colors that eventually would come out? Did I expect too much of her and thus in a way am also personally responsible for this pain I feel now? What about the next time, if there is a next time, will I make a similar mistake and this only one event in an endless cycle? Am I going to be forced to date only ex-JW's because they are the only ones that may be able to handle me and all my bullsh*t?
Too many questions about myself that I feel I can't answer, and I'm letting myself and my thoughts swirl around in my head like a turd in a toilet, and I can't seem to make it stop. -
11
What to do when your JW + Silentlamb pasts ends in relationship rejection
by feenx ini find myself today completely distraught, rejected and questioning myself for the first time in quite a while.
this past friday night i ran into my recent ex and some mutual friends, and the new guy she is seeing.
the very guy who she herself referred to previously as a "man whore.
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feenx
I find myself today completely distraught, rejected and questioning myself for the first time in quite a while.
This past Friday night I ran into my recent ex and some mutual friends, and the new guy she is seeing. The very guy who she herself referred to previously as a "man whore." At first I was dismayed, not understanding how I could be replaced so easily. But then all the pieces of the puzzle started to come together.
She can go over to our friends house with this guy, as they have also known him for a while, and have a foursome like nothing has changed. He can give her all the attention she needs that I could not or would not as she can require a lot of attention. She can F*ck him, which really stings because she rarely wanted sex with me. (in fact the image of him on top of her is SEARED in my brain, I literally have not been able to get it out of my head for three days now). And ALLLLLL of this she can do WITHOUT having to deal with any of things I am working through, without having to talk about anything deep with him. Basically all the things she hated about OUR relationship are now gone.
And so not only now do I feel completely rejected in a relationship sense, but now it's also on a very VERY personal level, as I realize just how much my JW upbrining, my being a Silentlamb for years and as an adult trying to work through, make sense, heal and move on from all that truly drove this person away.
It makes me question myself, my path, my pain, my motivation, my drive. Really just about everything. I feel like a rag doll that served it's purpose, but when that doll started showing real needs and emotions was just thrown away and a new one bought.
For the first time, I feel utterly helpless. When my grandfather would rape me, or when mother would attempt suicide, I always had me. I counted on and depended on me. And now, as an adult, I AM the one I'm questioning and feel can't be depended on... -
24
WTF! my ex came into my place yesterday....
by feenx inand swiped all the curtains, which will do her no good because she doesn't even have a big sliding glass door to put them on, and she took the friggin sheets of my damn bed...because back when we were living together last year she paid for the stuff.
no warning, nothing.
i come home yesterday from work and there's crap strewn all over from the nicknacks and what not she took and all the windows are bare.
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feenx
yeah I thought about that too, if she made copies. I'd hate for her to come in while I'm in the middle of *ahem* something. At first I just totally shook it off, I gotta say though, it got irritating once it got dark to have this huge ass window wide open at night for the whole neighborhood to see into straight into. :/ But yeah...could've been worse. She gave me a leather recliner, at least she didn't take that back too. Or any of the other furniture.
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WTF! my ex came into my place yesterday....
by feenx inand swiped all the curtains, which will do her no good because she doesn't even have a big sliding glass door to put them on, and she took the friggin sheets of my damn bed...because back when we were living together last year she paid for the stuff.
no warning, nothing.
i come home yesterday from work and there's crap strewn all over from the nicknacks and what not she took and all the windows are bare.
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feenx
and swiped all the curtains, which will do her no good because she doesn't even have a big sliding glass door to put them on, AND she took the friggin sheets of my damn bed...because back when we were living together last year she paid for the stuff. No warning, nothing. I come home yesterday from work and there's crap strewn all over from the nicknacks and what not she took and all the windows are bare. WTF??
Thank CHRIST she at least had the decency to leave the key there, so I dont have to worry about her coming in anymore. -
41
Stuck in the "Truth"
by IMustBreakAway ini notice from comments posted that many here who post (and untold scores who lurk) are still "in".
perhaps their social / family circles are too constricted for freedom of mind, and or, they are too afraid to rock the boat.
or too young to strike out on their own and are dependent on jw parents for support.
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feenx
I dont know of any sites like that, though not that it would matter for me...I have always been curious about the lurkers though. I wonder what it is that draws them here, if they find what they're looking for, and if they continue to come back why they never post. because as you say, people here post incognito.
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98
Torn between being Gay and the Truth.........
by ScoobySnax inis there anything worse than this?
sometimes it is ok, other times it sucks.
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feenx
Scooby, looks like you've gotten a lot of good advice on this thread. I can understand taking it with a grain of salt from those of us outside the organization. However, if I was still inside the organization, my bottom line would be that being gay doesn't mean you suddenly have to stop believing in Jehovah and what you feel is "the Truth." There is a difference between the Truth and the organization. In fact...wasn't the Truth around long before there was a society? Of course.
Being gay doesn't negate your love for God or your beliefs in the Bible. And wouldn't you rather strive to serve God in earnestly and HONESTLY? If you are gay, then that would be the honest thing to do. And isn't honesty and faithfulness based from the heart what, above all, truly matters to Jehovah?
You can't choose whether or not to be gay, you either are or you aren't. That wont change no matter how hard you try to suppress it. But you CAN change being honest with yourself and God, or to keep living a lie for the sake of men. -
9
God does not have Multiple Personality Disorder
by Cephyr13 ina jehovah's witness once said that the christian god of the trinity has multiple personality disorder (mpd).
this goes to show their complete lack of understanding of the trinity and how to explain it.. god does not have multiple personality disorder (mpd).
he created us in his image, having three parts.
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feenx
That's quite the theory you've got nailed down there...