What support - thank you. I know I'm in very delicate stage, probably boardering on crazy or on a nervous breakdown.
I broke down again in the toilet at work and then proceed to wrote my goodbye to my mother. I put down all the important legal stuff. I must say I felt so at peace afterwards, like I could breathe. I just have to collect all the important papers and put them together to make it easier.
Last nigh I sat down and spoke with her about my life, my decisions, where I've gone wrong. I don't have any dependents needing me to be around, I don't have a husband - this makes leaving that much easier. I told her I would rather her know that it was no fault of hers, not because of the faith, just because I am unhappy and I don't see a way out or a happy ending. And if by some remote chance there is a happy ending - it's probably years down the line, and I don't want to waste years being so so unhappy - it's just not worth it. I know I upset her.
To leave the job and ......to risk unemployment for an undetermined period ..... in south africa - being colour challenged (please don't take offence folks - just stating a fact) is suicidal in itself.
To stay and be miserable for who knows how long....
No win win here.
I don't know if I'll have the courage to go through with it. I want too - I want the quiet. I want the headaches, the crying, the breathlessness, the pain to stop you know. That peace.
I used to have such a lust for life, an easy smile. It's gone.
I am sure some people are thinking "ah just suck it up man" "there are worse people out there". And yes I guess you are right. I think there just comes a point when enough is enough and you don't want to suck it up and you don't want to compare yourself with others.
I have always been a fighter, from small. I remember looking after myself from about the age of 5 - I used catch the bus by myself, walk home by myself. I used stay by myself over night, lock the flat up and put myself to bed. I was independent. I have never relied on anyone becuase I learnt people will hurt you and disappoint you, sometimes time and time again. So I don't give people that power - some may say I'm hard *shake head* I'm honest about the shit people put you through. Even in the faith, I had to fight to prove that I wasn't drunk or answer for curly hair, a loud laugh. In the work place when my boss demoted me, messed my 'section' up, I fought. When my uncle was ill, I fought for him, for his treatment.
From all of this I have achieved nothing except exhaustion. I don't have any more fight left in me. I just want it to end.
At work yesterday I made a huge effort to call clients - these are cold calls that generate no results, a useless waste of time. I only feel worse by the time the close of day comes.
My dreams are full of spiders - I hate spiders! Spiders can represent a feeling of being trapped . It represents some ensaring and controlling force. you feel that someone or something is sucking the life right out of you....how is that! Yup I'm in Shelobs' sights.
I know a dear friend on here is going to be disappointed in me - I'm sorry. That fierceness you saw in my eyes 3/4 years ago is gone. I just want to close my eyes and sleep and sleep and sleep. If ever I wake up I want that feeling of being renewed and refreshed, not still exhausted.
I'm jumping all over the place today.
The only thing that really makes me sad is my brother - I don't think he understands why I'm the way I am. I think he thinks I should just get over it already. He is much younger than me....still young, still got his whole life ahead of him. Kid won't listen to me and get into tennis - he's got so much talent, a bit of coaching and he could definitely make top 10 in the world.
All right - Another hour and a half left at work!
