Wow, nicely written, and something I'm coming to terms with myself. I was listening to a podcast (shocking, I know) and they were interviewing Gretchen Rubin. Among other things, she recently wrote a book called The Four Tendencies. It is about how humans gravitate to one of four ways of dealing with expectations. That's not to say that we don't experience them all, but one tends to be your go to. Obliger, rebel, questioner, and I can't remember the fourth (probably because it's the healthier one, lol).
Anyway, while listening I was so sure I was a questioner and it didn't take me long to realize oh crap, I'm definitely an obliger, through and through. I do things out of obligation to others and often find myself and what I want to do as the odd man out.. The good is that I enjoy the external validation that comes from serving others and that I'm really good at it and it helps me in many ways. The bad is that I don't always know what's best for me and sell myself out. There's a better balance to be had. Heck, even doing things I want to do for myself often requires external accountability, or obligation. That's my motivation to meet expectations, whether internal or external.
I think I'm probably wired that way as a default to some extent. The stereotype is that firstborn often are people pleasers to some extent. But then I see how it made me ripe for the cult to pick. I wanted to be good enough so badly, and my parents gave me no validation. The congregation gave me that though if I did what they deemed right and good. Fuck, this has been too much of my life. Again, it's not all bad and makes me great at many things that I do, but it leaves a part of me unfulfilled.