One of the most difficult things for ex-Jehovah's Witnesses (heretofore referred to as ex-JWs) to deal with is the loss of friends and family -- "loved ones." Rejection hurts, and the pain seems to be very intense for some. Ex-JWs seem validated to feel so awful since most humans naturally believe that love is a human need. The loss of loved ones, it naturally follows, would seem to be an utterly traumatic, "awful" experience. But, does losing loved ones really need to be so terrible?
No, it doesn't. One of the reasons for this is that love, contrary to popular belief, is not a human need. It's a human want, but not a need. Humans have an innate biological tendency to have a strong desire for love, but no adult need ever died from a lack of it. Human needs are actually very minimal: air, water, a certain amount of food and general safety and security. That's it. That's all that is required to live.
But humans foolishly believe that they need more than that. They believe they need love, approval, affection, success, to be outstanding, etc. NONE OF THESE THINGS ARE HUMAN NEEDS! There have been plenty of people throughout history who have never had strong relationships with anyone. An extreme example are some hermits, monks and nuns. They go for years, some of them, without even really talking to anyone, let alone feeling and expressing "love" to individuals. (Though they may do this in their meditation and spiritual practice) And there have been people who have led happy lives without ever getting married, starting a family, being part of a group or even having a number of very close friends.
Not only do humans foolishly thing that they need love in general, but they erroneously believe they need love from specific individuals, notably their family. This is especially prevelant amont ex-JWs. Humans quite naturally think that because person X is my mother, brother, child or cousin he or she "must" love me and I cannot live happily at all without this love. But this is a great myth. Just because we naturally think this way does not mean that it is a true fact of the universe, nor does it mean we cannot develop a "second nature" which can correct our "first nature." Really, all a relative is is a person with more genetic similarity to us than the average human, nothing more -- that is, nothing more unless we make it something more, and this we don't have to do.
The noted psychologist George Kelly pioneered what he called the "psychology of personal constructs." Writing in the 1950's he was a little ahead of his time. The cognitive revolution in psychology since then has largely confirmed that human thinking is largely constructivist -- that is, we construct our own realities. Believe that you must have love and approval from others and you will be extremely depressed and frustrated when you don't get it. Many ancient philosophies endorsed, in crude form, this constructivist model. "As you think, so shall you be" as the Bible even says. Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius and the Buddha had a similar understanding.
"But" you may retort, "don't babies die from a lack of love?" Yes -- some do, but not all. Some babies are less hardy than others and seem to need quite a bit of compassionate fondling and "love." But only some. We certainly cannot expect babies and small children to think philosophically and logically about life. And, of course I have to ask: Are you a baby? Do you shit in your pants and say "goo goo, ga ga"? Probably not. You are an ADULT, and love is not an adult human need.
"But" you may further respond, "isn't life better when we have love? Won't I feel naturally happier and healthier with love?" Yes! But that still doesn't prove that love is a human need. Everyone seems to function better when they have approval and love, just as they function better, usually, when they have wealth instead of poverty. You will be happier when you have love, but you still can be happy without it. Just think of all the delights there are in life that do not entail having love: good food, intellectual pleasure, masturbation, exercise, creative expression, work...the list is almost endless. And, of course, if you don't have the love and approval of your relatives -- as most ex-JWs do not -- that still does not prevent you from developing relationships with other people, people that will indeed love and approve of you. (Although this is still not necessary!)
When we look at life with a deep realization that we largely create our own happiness we can better accept the fact that our former friends and JW relatives may not love us and that this does not have to be the end of the world. It's tough work to actually feel this way, but the payoff is well worth the effort. Develop an inner, self-directed core of contentment with lifes necessities and view everything else as gravy.
With only the slightest bit of love,
B.