This is probably very immature of me, but

by Crumpet 46 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  LittleToe

  Crumpet:
  LIke you, having lost friends and family to a cult, I have a preoccupation with not enjoying losing anyone from my life.

  Some, however, are not healthy for us to be around. Hard experience tells us that. We might forgive it for a while, but eventually there can come a point where we [have to] let it go. If it is a greater drain on our energies than we can affford then we will just get sucked down with them, and some people truly are energy-vampires!

  There are all sorts of methods that this comes packaged as, including comments intended to hurt. After all, what kind of friend intentionally hurts another (and the intent is key, here)? It's harder to forgive than most other behaviour. Nonetheless forgiveness doesn't mean that continued company is a desirable outcome.

  You perhaps need to decide if that point has been reached, or not.
• 

  Crumpet

  There are all sorts of methods that this comes packaged as, including comments intended to hurt. After all, what kind of friend intentionally hurts another (and the intent is key, here)? It's harder to forgive than most other behaviour. Nonetheless forgiveness doesn't mean that continued company is a desirable outcome.

  You perhaps need to decide if that point has been reached, or not.

  Sound advice LT. I feel I should be kinder to my ex because I hurt him all those years back, but that situation has changed now. I don't need to feel responsible for him. And whilst, yes, frankly I would forgive him and probably do, and have, as you know, ample reason not to get all self righteous or judgemental as I am far from perfect - its not necessarily my energy as such that he's draining. It is making me very neglectful of Mr C, which isn't on at all. His happiness is more important to me than my ex's and I haven't been demonstrating that awfully well of late!

  You say what kind of friend intentionally hurts another - but I've been raised to see hurt and punishment as acts of love. Being smacked, being withdrawn from school, being reproved, being disfellowshipped, being shunned, being rejected by my family - all signs of love. So no wonder then that I walked straight into a relationship with someone who would punch me on tap, stamp on my head if I looked like I needed it and now I find out would abuse me in other ways too. To me it just demonstrated how much he loved me. On the whole mr c has helped me see the error of my ways in that respect - that love does not mean constant punishment.
• 

  under74

  I understand what you say about shunning and not wanting to cut him off. But I think I would understand it a bit more if he had been honest with you after he cheated like you were. I would understand not wanting to cut him off if he hadn't had sex with you while you were passed out.

  It might be somewhat more understandable to try and work things out with the whole cheating situation but taking advantage of you while you were drunk? I don't care how much you drank, that's not just crossing the line of trust and friendship that's demolishing the line.

  I'm sorry for what you're going through right now. I hope things get worked out for the best.
• 

  LittleToe

  He's an adult, and should surely shoulder his own responsibility, especially after seven years? If he is unwilling to, it's not your responsibility to shoulder it for him. If he insists, then it's still not your responsibility.

  If it's affecting your current relationship, then it really is detrimental and needs reassessing.

  Breaking the cycle of abuse can be difficult, but necessary, if you want to reclaim your human dignity and a place in normal society. Sometimes it's eaasier said than done.

  Regardless, you know you have support
• 

  Crumpet

  Regardless, you know you have support

  which I really do value this. Sometimes my own perspective being in the middle is rather askew. You bunch give me a sense of balance and how something would be viewed by someone not involved in the situation.

  crumpet - its been "good to talk"!
• 

  Goldminer

  Just walk girl.I know my advice sounds simple or maybe lame but that's just the way I am now,I've been walked on too many times.
• 

  Crumpet

  Thanks goldminer

  crumpet - walking and talking the green mile xxx