Death In the Family, How do I handle this ??? HELP !!!

by run dont walk 30 Replies latest jw friends

  • jgnat

    I admire Scully's creative ways to grieve. Run don't walk, you need that time to say goodbye, to comfort your mom so she knows you will be there for her.

    My in-laws are mixed JW and non-JW. For my father-in-law's funeral, a nondenominational preacher led the service and a JW son gave his canned presentation. The non-JW family hated it.

    Later for my mother-in-law's funeral, a nondenominational preacher led it, and no JW relatives were invited to give their peice. The JW's demonstrated their protest by visiting mama's gravesite as a CLUMP. I was disgusted.

    Like Scully pointed out, there will also be the funeral home and the gravesite. If you can't stomach the hall, there are other ways to join in.

  • HadEnuf

    You poor dear. I swore that I would never enter a KH again...but then a friend died and we just felt we had to go to his funeral; he was the only elder that ever stood up for truth (thus he was eventually removed, go figure). It was hard; but I'm glad my husband and I went. It is only a small amount of time in your life and yes, you'll probably have many bad memories and even flashbacks and such afterwards. But if you can find the strength, please go. It seems that your mom has reached out to you and it is a good chance to reach back with love at this time. But in the end; only your heart will be able to tell you what to do. I am so sorry about your mother. Please accept our sympathy.

    Big hug...cathy l.

  • LittleToe

    Tough call.

    For me I mentally know that it's only a building, but there would be ramifications in going. At the place I'm at just now I don't know if I could go. It perhaps highlights that we are all so very different.

    I like Elsewhere's idea, but would add a more serious twist. If I were to go I think I'd take some of my own friends, since no other b*gger there would be likely to comfort me in my grieving a parent (my grandparents have all passed some years ago).

    Attending a Crematorium or Graveside might be another matter but, like Scotsman mentioned, I suspect I know the kind of treatment I would be in for. That having been said, it would be nice to see if my kid brother's hairline has completely receded - he got the paternal scalp genes, whereas I got the maternal ones

  • burnieschick

    Hi RDW,

    You have my sympathy for both your loss and your situation.
    My Mother-in-law was in the same boat as yourself a few years. She had been ousted by the JW's many years ago and her life was made a misery by her parents who were still very active within the org. They would pop in and out of her life when it suited them, cutting her off from the family when their other JW children questioned what they were doing associating themselves with her. She had her heart broken more times than I can remember.
    When her parents died (seperately), she made the decision to attend both services at the KH, and all her children and myself went with her for much needed morale support. We made sure that certain individuals weren't able to get near her, and sat quietly at the back of the KH in our own little group. It was about paying respects and saying goodbye, more than anything else, and it did seem to help Mum. I don't think she'd have ever forgiven them for their short-comings and hurtful behaviour, or herself if she hadn't gone. She's been able to put the past behind her and move on with her life, without any interference from her JW siblings.
    Saying goodbye is very important. Human beings need closure, and just to attend the service without actually taking part in prayer or singing will help more than you'll know. You only get one chance. If you decide to go, take close family or friends with you for support and protection from unwanted attention.

  • FMZ

    Sorry dude... I really don't want to sound too blunt... but I say you do whatever you need to to get yourself there. Whether it be taking a friend, going only for 5 minutes, whatever it may be. You need to be there. Just try to realize that they hold no power over you and that you are just there to visit your loved one. Pity them mate, they are the ones with the problem, not you.

    Always in love.


  • Soledad

    So sorry for your loss. Just take some time to think things carefully and in the end do whatever feels right to you.

    I went to KH last year for the funeral of a dear friend. It was the first time I went in 6 years. I didn't feel at all uncomfortable nor did I let their foolish attitudes dictate my mood at all.

    The way I see it, it is just a building they are using. Basically, I will not be like a JW who refuses to enter a church.

    Going also allowed me to make an anti-Witness by not participating in the prayer by not bowing my head. I also did not participate in the singing before and after. Got a few interesting looks too.

    I agree 1000% with the above, and this is exactly what I did last year for the funeral!
  • Mary

    a member of my own family pressured me NOT to attend a worldly funeral at a Jewish temple, saying that I would bring reproach on Jehovah's name.
    Oh fer crissakes how dumb is that?? The Jews have been worshipping Jehovah, or Yahweh, for at least 3,000 years---a hell of a lot longer than what Witnesses have-----how the hell is entering a synagogue "bringing reproach on Jehovah's name"??

    Now my dilema, I under no circumstances can enter a Kingdom Hall knowing what I know, the things the Watchtower has done.

    I know that it would be extremely difficult, but one thing thing this board has taught me is a measure of tolerance. Yes, the Botchtower has destroyed many lives, but I would tell your mother that you would attend, if for no other reason than to ease her pain. I've been to Catholic funerals, Protestant----hell, I even went to a Muslim funeral. I don't agree with their teachings, but you go to pay your respects to the person that has died.

    You have to make this decision yourself, but I would go. I have a question though: you are the child----what about having the funeral service at a funeral home??

  • Undecided

    I don't know why but I can go to a KH with no problems at all. I am not Df'ed or DAed, just quit many years ago. I don't remember any funerals in this area in a KH, they are usually in the funeral home. The only one I can recall is my former wife's mother who lived in Az. I did the memorial service for her about 35 years ago. I forgot, I went to a KH a few months back in VA for one of my childhood friends. I just visited the family and left before the memorial service.

    Sorry about the death of your Granny, we all have to face death many times in this life. You have to make the decision to go or not. If it was me I would go, but that's your choice. I just hope it turns out for the best.

    Ken P.

  • Es

    I would out of respect and love for family still attend the memorial no matter where it is. all the best in your decision. "Better to regret what you did rather than what you didnt." es

  • anewme

    May I too add my sorrow over your loss. Also my joy over what your dear mother said to you.
    I would focus on what those two women mean to you. Lets show those JWs how an EXJW shows his love for his family! He or she is THERE when needed to be, despite what old worn torn smelly faded scriptures say.
    I personally look forward to the next opportunity TO SHINE before my former friends and family who left me for dead!


    I agree to bring along a good friend for support. Look your very best! Support your dear mom and then leave.
    Remember you are setting an example for others who are considering leaving and who have been wondering about your welfare. My how surprised they will be when they see you handsome and composed and happy, not green and addicted and foaming and hunched over!!!


    But only if you are up to it.

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