by Insomniac 47 Replies latest social relationships
it's been simmering for 6 1/2 years
Very close to the 7 year itch.
Boy this is so hard as I read thru your posts on this. So hard.
It sounds like you met your soulmate one marriage and divorce too late
I wish you happiness and peace of mind. (If it were so easy right?)
Give him more time he may come around. Its worth it if you really love him.
M'
After six and a half years....
I just wish he'd care enough to make me happy.
You've said it all in just a few words.
Is what you have with him really enough? If it isn't then as difficult as it is, it is probably time to move on. You won't have enough without him, true, but you are in a position to have enough with someone else. If you stay with him, you just won't have enough, and (to put it crudely) you will be off the market.
The deal with marriage is that it is the only way (besides adoption) that people who were born unrelated can become "kin." Family is the foundation of any society. This is not some childhood fantasy, or old-fashioned notion. It is so deeply connected with the human condition that people have fought for the right to marry, against astronomical opposition, throughout human history, in every culture. That you want all that the notion stands for is just fine, and not to be criticized.
What's enough? Only you know.
Shoshana
I also think that if you really believe in marriage and he doesn't you should think about moving on eventually to someone that appreciates marriage differently.
Well not to get down on you but.....
You have made clear you won't move in with him. It's marriage or no dice.
He must propose to you.
You have "an idealized" idea of marriage.
I'd say you are both a bit set in your ways unable to give ground no? I have a few friends of mine that always feel a relationship has to "be going somewhere" in order for it to be good. They assure me it's a good relationship now...but want it to be "going somewhere". This always confuses me a bit. If you are enjoying your time together, love each other, who gives a shite?
You seem to care way too much how other see you. You want a big wedding. You won't live in sin without marriage. You care how others look at your "odd" relationship with him. SCREW THEM. It's your life and your relationship. If you love each other and it's good...so be it.
Maybe he's afraid that by marrying you it will turn into what his last marriage did. A great, passionate friendship that fizzled out once the rigors of day to day life reared their ugly head.
You make the first step. If you move in and everything goes ok...then in two years get hitched. I honestly feel women have been sold the biggest bill of goods by the wedding industry that somehow their day will be perfect and all issues will melt away. Blech! Huge magazines devoted to "the ideal wedding".
I have a nagging feeling you haven't been 100% forthright in communicating with him. The old "he should know how I feel" without actually spelling it out for him usually applies here. No MEN just don't get it sometimes unless you explain it, paint a picture, AND ask them to repeat it to you. I guess maybe I just get a little confused when the choices come down to...we either get married or break up. Which is usually shortly followed up by...we either have kids or get divorced. Maybe cause I'm a man I just don't get it.
Evil gets off soapbox....heads to bed.
If someone else feels that living together is ok, then for them it is ok. But it gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomache to think of doing it myself.
Why is that? Does Christianity have that strong of a hold on you? This is just another example of how the religion makes people miserable.
You seem to be very much bound by tradition. Why hold on to your traditions if they're controlling your life? You can't even ask him to marry you? Come on. Some women need to accept the fact that chivalry is dead and take control of their lives. They want equal rights but still look to the man to hold their hand and walk them through life.
Well, if you won't ask him to marry you, you won't move in with him, and you're not happy in your current situation, I think you know that it's time to start looking for someone else or stay on your own for a while. 36 is far from old.
In my opinion you are lucky to have what you have, some people go through life without ever falling in love.
I'd just relax and enjoy it if I were you, if he didnt love you he wouldnt stay with you for so long, maybe hes just happy and doesn't want anything to spoil it.
Sorry Hon.. but he get's the milk without buying the cow. I think all women are wired to look for security...you deserve it.
For the rest of you.. women still get some benefits from the legal protection marriage offers. When a woman keeps house or contributes financially to a man for any length of time wouldnt it be nice to have free access to his hospital room (or visa versa) if he is hurt or ill. Or carry them on your health insurance?
It's way too bad we got "gay rights" confused with 'civil union' during the last election, isnt it?
~Hill
women have been sold the biggest bill of goods by the wedding industry that somehow their day will be perfect and all issues will melt away
The WIC (wedding industry conglomerate) sells that big bill of goods to men too.
A wedding is not all it's cracked up to be. It's a symbol of your future life together, which is not all ga-ga, rose petals, candles, and champagne. Being with your soulmate has it's highly romantic moments, peppered in with a few low spots and a general routine sense of calm happiness. A wedding brings those feelings to a head on the wedding day, but that's about it. It's a symbol.
I gave in a LOT with my wedding plans. I wanted it to be just us two alone on a beautiful beach somewhere far away. My husband wanted the big froo froo thing. He did compromise, but still it was mostly his way. Even months later when I look at my wedding pics, I'm embarassed to see myself in what I view to be a childish getup. I look like a woman in her upper 30s dressing as though she's a 20 yr old. I had help dressing & doing my hair, and people refused to honor my simple requests on style and how to arrange my attire. The hairdo, the big dress. Ick. I never wanted any of that. I was happy to be getting married, but HOW it was done was truly disappointing. My husband thinks it was awesome. I try not to think about it.
The reason I mention this is because I think some "significant others" who have totally different ideas about marriage and weddings feel the same sense of dread and disappointment I felt. I felt for months that I wanted to cancel the whole thing, just because of HOW the wedding was going to be done. It was a horrible feeling.
(((((((((Insomniac))))))))))))))))))
I do have to give you a call girl! I know you have been struggling with your "weekend friend" now for a long time. I can tell you that when I was living with my now husband we lived together for 2 years before we got married. And I think the only reason we did get married is because of all the family pressure that surrounded us. But we were happy being together and we wanted to have a big party with our family around us to show that we were committed to each other. ( I consider him my soulmate too) Now look where we are, 8 years later 2 kids later and building a brand new house. LOL. I would say that if you can't get his real feelings out in the open about this marriage thing then you should just take a break from him. Stop doing the "wifey" things and just concentrate on YOU.
BTW...I'm not that far away from you either. So if you need to chat you know my number. ;) hehehe
Love ya girl. I hope you figure things out. This is a difficult situation and there is no easy answer to solve it either.
Sherry
