How long is too long?

Insomniac

Just a question, for those who might know. How long should you hang onto a relationship, when it's becoming undeniably clear that it's going nowhere?

I'm so in love, with the most wonderful person I've ever known. He and I have been together for 6 1/2 years. After our first date, he told me he didn't want to see anyone else; I felt the same, so we've been exclusive from the first. We spend 3-4 days and nights per week together, but I still have my own apartment. He has a nice house, which he bought 4 years ago after I found it for him. I thought it would be for us together, but I guess not.

After a lifetime of loneliness and mismatches with guys I was incompatible with, I finally found someone who's like the other half of me. He's said that no woman has ever loved him as purely as I do, and that he never thought it possible to love someone as he does me.

Only problem is, he doesn't want to marry me. Everyone we know lives together, and I told him I seem to be the only person left on this earth who still believes in marriage. His reply: "Yup, apparently." He says marriage doesn't matter to him. I say, if it matters so much to me, how can it mean nothing at all to him? What if it is a meaningless piece of paper, which cannot possibly encompass the union we have? Fine, I say- do it just because it would make me happy. Jesus, I do everything for him, and this is all I ask. While I've been biding my time, waiting for the proposal I was so sure was coming, I've gotten so old, I doubt anyone else will ever want me.

Originally he told me the reasons he wasn't asking me to marry him were: His job was unstable because his supervisor hated him, and that he didn't have a home, just an apartment. So, his supervisor was transferred out of state and he got his supervisor's old job. Then I found him a house and got him a hell of a deal on it, as it belonged to an old friend of my dad's. Still no ring, no acknowledgement of any commitment.

How the hell can I walk away from someone I'm in love with? I can't do it, I just can't. At the same time, how can I stay, when I keep envisioning myself twenty years down the line, still in my damned spinster's apartment, still trying to explain to friends and family and self why we never wed? A stronger woman could have walked years ago, but I've allowed myself to sit for so long, my legs have atrophied so I can't move. Any time I broach the subject, he just says he's not ready. How do I walk away, and is it better to have what I have now, with no marriage, or to be out there all alone again? I spent most of my life being alone, and I just don't know if I could do it again. Nor could I ever envision being intimate with another man- and I mean this not just physically, but emotionally as well. I'm too damned old to start over.

Cupcake

how old is to old? if hes not into you then you need to move on. he knows you wil always be around for him without a commetment. so thats is why. I know been there done that... I should use my own words... MOVE ON theres someone who will respect you enough to make you his wife

LittleToe

Is he adverse to the idea of you moving in together? If not, is it literally just the marriage thing, or does he have personal space issues?

I have no answers, only questions for ya...

(((hugs))) (cyber hugs don't invade personal space, right? )

rebel8

We are about the same age, so I think I can take a stab at this subject. I do understand your dilemma about age. It is so hard to meet someone you're compatible with, but it's true once you get to be "our age" it is harder. Lots of men are married already, etc., you know the drill. I'm just saying this stuff to validate your feelings, not to depress you some more :) It's not impossible to meet someone. I am a testament to that....just walked down the aisle for the 1st time at age 36...and I was one of those that didn't want to get married! Your "legs" haven't completely atrophied. It's not too late. They can still be whipped right back into shape.

I will go ahead and say what other people are gonna say--you gotta talk to him some more about this. "I'm just not ready" is a non-answer. He needs to give you a real reason. Then think about it and share your feelings. At this point, probably all we can do is speculate about what his reason is. A lot of what you decide to do depends on his reason and how definite he is about it.

There is also the option of really living together (7 days a week!) as a compromise. Ultimately, if he definitely doesn't want to get married any time soon and you definitely do, you're faced with having to either accept it or move on. No middle ground there. Tough decision.

Elsewhere

Why is the title "married" so important to you?

fleaman uk

Im thinking with the pressuring you seem to be doing to him the decision to split may well be taken out of your Hands.

Wouldnt it be better to keep the happy relationship and the personal space too?

Too many co-habiting relationships go sour very quick.Married or not.

Insomniac

The thing is, we've been through everything together. He does respect me, cupcake- he just doesn't feel marriage holds any meaning. And, we spend half our time together at his house, have travelled together (9 days in my two-door Toyota, cross-country to meet his sister. Didn't argue once.) So, I think we've established that we can be in the same space together for long periods. Maybe it's because he's older, has already had a marriage and a divorce, so he doesn't care. I just wish he'd care enough to make me happy.

luna2

Gads, you've got a tough situation. I am a relationship weinie, so I don't really "know" anything really.

I pressured my boyfriend into getting married because it seemed like the "next step". He didn't have anything better in the pipeline, so he acquiesced. It was not a happy marriage. Of course, if we had continued dating, I'm sure he would have either dumped me or cheated on me long before we hit the 6 year mark, so I don't know that my situation compares to your's at all.

I guess it all depends on how badly you want to be married. I suppose you could take a break, not see him for a while, tell him why, and see if it alters his point of view at all. The danger is that he will call your bluff and start dating other women.

Hopefully someone else will have heaps of experiences and good advice for you.

(((Hugs)))

Insomniac

Fleaman, I don't pressure him. I rarely bring it up, in fact. I do think about it a lot, but as he knows my thoughts on the matter, I don't burden him all that often.

Elsewhere- why is marriage not important for everyone else lately? I can't take credit for inventing it; it's been a part of the human experience for ages now. Like using silverware and wearing clothing, it's one of the civilized habits that sets us apart from the bloody gorillas.

wanderlustguy

When I was the person in his shoes...it was because I had a doubt that we were a forever thing.

If the shoe doesn't quite fit, some people make do until they find one that does. I wish there was a better way to put it.

WLG

How long is too long?

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