My Story: I don't know how to start this........
To those who care and read with out despair:
My name is Brooke I am the 3rd Child out of six Children. My Father was never an Elder. My Mother was not a Pioneer. However, we went to many meetings and on occasion we went out in service. My parents had to work many jobs to support their big family. We were looked at as bad because we were not the Prize winning JW family.
I have 2 older siblings My self righteous Sister and My never was really in Brother and I have 3 younger brothers. I was always in the back never really paid attention too. I always had to fight for My Mothers love from which my sister took from me. I was made to feel like I was never anything special. My whole mothers side of the family made us think like that as well. Since my Dad was not an Elder or MS we were looked at as The Un-Spiritual Family. The So-So Family. I hated it. I wanted to be something special. I was made to feel like I was a failure because we were not so strong in the congregation.
On my mothers side you Had to Be Rich Skinny(under 100 pounds) and move towards Bethel wanna be! If you were rich and Fat you were not good enough. You had to have all 3. Basically all or nothing. My parents were Middle Class. My looks were fine but not good enough. I guess I had to throw up more. Then it was the meeting attendance. I was just average. I wasn't miss goody too shoes. Everything bothered me about my family. You had to talk bad about everyone and judge everyone just to make yourself feel better. I hated being apart of that now more than ever. Everyone knew who my family was! We were a clan as you could say. We wouldn't let you in unless you married us but then there was that check list you needed to have. The 3 things Money Looks and Status in the Congregation.
Growing up at home was not easy. My parents had a horrible marriage and never paid attention to us kids. However my Sister got everything. She manipulated my parents to give her everything. I never did such a thing. I have been working since I was 12. I paid for everything school clothes my lunch and all my school fees since I was in the 7th grade. I never asked for anything fearing my mother. As I got older it got harder. You begin to see things and the truth as you get older. My mother and father both had drinking problems. My mother would be passed out in her Bedroom by 5 pm. My Dad would get home from work and drink in the living room until it was midnight. I did all the laundry and hid everything from my younger brothers. My parents would start to fight and I would run and grab the boys and go out for Ice Cream or something stupid to get out of the house. I cooked and cleaned did laundry took my bothers to school to their Dr appts paid for their lunches helped with their homework and made sure they knew nothing about our parents. I would find hidden beer bottles all over the house. I would have to clean up after them all the time. I was tired. I did this and went to school at the same time as I had a part time job at a Restaurant. I was tired my grades were falling and I didn't care because school was the least of my worries.
I wanted to run away. Not just to get out of the house but for some attention. I would doubt it if they knew I was gone. I mean that. I was in my Junior year and my mom said to me I didn't have to go to school anymore. The reason was because Jehovah didn't care about High School and grades and the World would come to a end. I believed her. I don't know why but I did. She said that I could go and pioneer and be with my Sister in IL find a man to marry. Well as a witness it sounded all good. Out of school move away from my parents get married have a life of my own. Plus, it was the first time my Mom ever gave me advice and seemed to care about my future. I took it. Blindly and stupidly I dropped out of school. I then was planning on moving with my Sister but since I can't stand her I waited. I had 3 jobs to stay out of the house. I worked 70-80 hours a weeks making nothing. I was tired and stressed. I thought the world would end soon and I started to go back to all the meetings. I made my Mom happy and proud for the first time she would smile and say I am proud of you for going. She never went. She said she was always so tired. I knew it was because of her drinking. I would drag all my brothers to the meeting with me. I felt needed and loved there. My grand parents were finally happy with me. I felt like a part of the family. I wasn't such an out cast anymore.
Then I meet my Husband. He made me feel special. It was great to feel like I was beautiful. I never felt like that before. I thought he was crazy for dating someone like me. He had some money and nice cars. I thought then..."Hey this is my chance to really get out of the house and be happy with someone who really cares for me." I did love him. I knew he was the once since I was 9 years old. Well during this time I was trying to get Baptized. I tried and tried for 2 years. They would say to me yeah sure we can go over the questions with you. However, they would cancel it with in a day or a hour before I had to meet them. I knew why I could never get baptized by them. It was our families. The big feud. Over land and Money. I still pressed on thinking I will one day. Then my BF at the time asked me to marry him. I said yes. I was happy. I quit my jobs because he helped me with all my bills and said he would take care of me and I would never have to worry. I was so happy because I finally slept and relaxed. I could breathe. Well I told him I am still not baptized. He said he didn't care because it should not matter. I have grown up a JW all my life and I was doing what I had to do. He said everything would be fine and it did not matter to him.
Well as I had the ring on my finger...Elders came up to me saying Congratulations! When is the Wedding? I would never have thought twice about getting baptized just to get married. I wanted my Baptism to be about me. Not the fact I wanted to get married like everyone else. I was different that way. Well as time went on I asked and asked about getting baptized. It all ended up the same old same old.
My wedding shower was coming up. I wanted to invite everyone. Being in my family we could only invite certain people for better gifts. That was not me. I wanted everyone to share in my wedding old young rich poor. Well on that day I was waiting around. Some people shown up. If it wasn't for my family being there I would say about 5 or 6 non family members showed up. I was so Sad. I couldn't believe it all these people that I have known all my life who my family grew up with did not come. I thought it was ME! I thought it was because again I was not good enough! I was so depressed! Well I just put it behind me and act like it didn't happen. Well I went to the Sunday meeting. Still the elders were nice. Saying when is the wedding? I thought it was a mishap. I thought maybe it was summer and everyone had plans. I was so naive. I did that because I didn't want to feel the hurt.
Well then my Wedding! I was happy and sad and scared thinking what if people don't come? Still I had no idea because the elders could not stop talking about the up coming wedding. Mainly because our families all hated each other. Well the Thursday night before our wedding the had a local needs talk. They did this in 5 local congregations. They said the "Up-Coming wedding" and how it was un evenly yoked. They told everyone if they went they could lose their privileges. I wasn't theirs because I was getting last minute things done. I was shocked. I cried that whole night thinking I am NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I have thought that all my life. I finally believe it to be true. It was the last straw, I thought in my head I am not good enough over and over.
I put on a good face through the rehearsal dinner and wedding day. I cried every moment I was alone. I shook and threw up over and over that day. I was glad it was all over with. I just wanted to go away and never come back. I became very depressed. I put up a good front and acted as if I was very happy. I was good at that because I did it all my life.
Well I still kept on. I got baptized almost a year later. I was tired and worn out. I fell into a deep depression. I just wanted to stay in bed and do nothing. Well then I got Pregnant 2 years later. I was so happy and scared. I thought this is My Baby My Child. No one could take it away from me. Everything was always taken from me but is MINE Then my Lily came. She was hard to handle but she gave me something to do. She is the reason why I wake up everyday. I needed her because if I didn't I don't think I would be here.
My life is very different. My parents are divorced. I now have 2 kids. I do not go to meetings anymore along with my husband. My family shuns me a bit. I have my good days and my bad....... My childhood and big moments were taken from me. I will just try one day at a time to get some back and make more.
My dream and Hope is to go back to school finish that up and maybe go to college and find myself. With my Loving husband and my 2 kids I know I can do it. It might take awhile but it can be done. The world will not end I will. I just have to live.
Brooke