Is age an excuse to hold back?

by stopthepain 21 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  stopthepain

  A few times me and my family have had it out about the cult,and my parents{especially my mom}who are now 50,get all craxzy sometimes.She almost acts like she's physically sick,or haveing a heart attack or something when things get heated.Now I understand sheis emotional to begin with,thats what got her into this crap .But is all these factors a reason to hold back feelings?I often find myself tip-toeing around how I talk to her.I feel the fanatic state they kept thier kids(especially us o0lder 3 of 5}really had detrimental effects on us.It's not so much of what they believed,but how they held us kids back from normal growth.I don't want to make her feel terrible,but sometimes it's hard not to say things.She still clings to her meeting on sunday,and basic principlkes of the bible,but I at times feel betrayed because of her cntinuing to support that reloigion.I guess you just have to take it as comes.Has this happened to anyone else?Sometimes I care,sometimes I don't.I want my parents to know exactly how wrong the way they raised me was.I guess it was worse because I was so trusting.At a few times in my life,I actually beli9eved.When the rug got pulled out for me,I was left emotionally scarred.It is very difficult for me to forgive and forget.It's just the more you think about how ridicoulous there way of raising children was,the more angry I get.

  Its my little brothers 21 birthday tonight,and we are all going out to eat and have a few drinks{but it's not a birthday party}.I couldn't do crap in all my childhood.They taught me to hate.They used warped scare tactics on young children.They held me back socially in everyway.They caused,thru that cult,soooooo much pain,that still lingers today.Will I ever truly forgive and forget,I dont think so,but thier age may spare them my full disdain.Its a fine line I tread with my parents,one between love and hate.

  Should age matter when it comes to confronting people on this subject,one that runs deep for many of us children of the watchtowers 1980's /early 90's pinnacle of fanatisism?STP
• 

  EvilForce

  I've found alot of mother's use the emotional card to the hilt for control. I won't partake in that crap, nor allow it to dissuade me. Ma / Dad, you fricking didn't give 2 shites what emotional damage you did to me....well...the truth is painful at times. I've held back many times....but it's the brutal truth sometimes that FINALLY gets thru to them. How on a couple of occasions I almost killed myself because of hating being gay as a Dub..etc...
• 

  garybuss

  Why not try this? Be nice to your parents and be confrontational to me. I'm 61 and I can handle anything. Just post to me everything you'd like to say to your parents, but don't say it to them. Wanna try this for one week?
  
  
  
• 

  BluesBrother

  To many of us , being 50 is no great age !

  But no matter. it is not a matter of age, rather a concern for others feelings that counts. Also a realisation that communication is only worthwhile when the other person listens. Sometimes one has to tread gently and refrain from coming out with what is on the tip of your tongue. Perhaps you can accomplish more by saying less, but in the right way
• 

  stopthepain

  thanks for your replies.

  Garybuss-aalthough I may take you up on that from time to time,it just aint the same.

  Good call EF!

  BluesBro-Could it be I want them to feel the pain I feel they put me through.As the years wind down for them,I know the last thing they want to hear is how bad they f*cked up with me.

  As far as my dad goes,he's of the attitude that he did almost nothing wrong,which pisses me off bigtime.But I work with him,sometimes in close quarters,and I make good money,and he has seniority at our job.I kind of shut up just to keep from ruffling any feathers at work.One time he said,"yeah ,I probly should have let you play football"like that was the only thing that pissed me off.He has also said "at least you wern't molested" or sarcistically say"yeah,I'm a horrible parent ,I know" .Comments like that burn me.My mom has genuinly apologized,but still clings to it,and encourages my sisters and little niece to be a part of it.They have no clue of how I feel about myself,and don't want to know,becuase alot of it in my opinion,stems from the cult.
• 

  HadEnuf

  My mother-in-law, at the ripe old age of 92...listens intently to my husband when he visits (which is frequently, as we live next door and his dad has altzeimers, and though she can get very upset when she now hears the crap that the JW's teach that is so hypocritical (UN, protecting pedophiles, etc.)...she seems to be standing up quite well. Though she says that she will never change religions or quit the JW's at her age...she still listens with an open mind and has never shunned us for expressing our "new" belief system.

  EF...I am always sad to hear the experiences of the gay X-JW community and the hell that you and others must have had to endure as JW's growing up. I feel so glad to NOW be able to respect others choices in lifestyles. Big hug EF!!

  I think many JW parents HIDE behind their age just so they don't have to face the truth about the "truth". A very convenient escape route.

  cathy l.
• 

  garybuss

  Garybuss-aalthough I may take you up on that from time to time,it just aint the same.

  I just made the standing offer because I showed my parents information about the Witness group that generated a hostile attack back from them and cost me the fragile rapport I did have with them. I think nothing was gained by that by me. I was shocked at their reply to me. I would have died before I'd have ever believed my parents would reject me, but that's for sure what they did.
  
  I actually thought I could go and have a rational talk with them. That turned out to be my delusion. I'd rather have kept the fragile rapport with them than to have that two minutes of "right" time with them.
  
  Same with my brother. I never imagined he was in such fragile mental condition. When I talked to him about the Society, he lashed out at me and that rapport remains gone 13 years later. There again, I went to him as a friend but as soon as I mentioned the Society, I found an enemy.
  
  Now I have a rule. I NEVER talk religion or Witnessism to a Witness. Witnesses who have been mean to me or people who are important to me are banned from my home. Those who thought they could be a divisive element between me and anyone living are banned forever. Most Witnesses shun and snub me and my family but that was their choice to start that. They got to start it, but I get to end it, and I say it never ends:-)
  
  Maybe I couldn't have gotten here any other way. I don't know. The thought that my parents could have used my help over the last 11 years or so may be another of my delusions. I'll never know. I do know I'm glad I made my break from the Society in a public way. The Watch Tower Corporation has absolutely no hold over me. Anything they could have taken away from me, they have taken and all their best efforts couldn't silence me.
  
  
• 

  LittleToe

  Gary:
  That was my experience, also.
  Nice offer
• 

  Golden Girl

  Well..being a parent I can truthfully say:
  No parent wants to hear that they were a bad parent!

  I would try and say things that would not be finger pointing. Even tho it was our fault for becoming JW's in the first place..
  But who's to say what your life would have been otherwise? Really..if you stop and think about it.

  We all envision this wonderful life we "Might have had if only"..maybe there would have been other problems.
  Maybe a different approach might work better at promotoing a closer relationship...?

  And just for the record..using my age to try and get the Kids to do something..doesn't work for me..
  They just roll their eyes.. And say..yeah right Mom...

  BUT..it does work in retail stores etc....sometimes...

  Snoozy....
• 

  Black Sheep

  My parents are in their 80s and have been in for 65 years.

  I have explained my position on John 20:28 and 607 and my intention is to leave it at that. Something clicked in Mum's head when I was talking about 607, but I don't know if the seed will grow. It is impossible to have a conversation with my father without him bullying and the discussion getting heated. I found a couple of books in his rubbish bin after the discussion on 607 and grabbed them. Both contradicted 607

  I have told them that, if they do not want me to attack their faith in the WT, that they should not try to defend it in my presence.

  Two weeks later my father tried it on again and I immediately left.

  I have been back once since and they were as happy to see me as usual, but I don't call them. Mum calls me occasionally. She is the one that is getting hurt.

  Chris